Your words came at an opportune time for me. For the last four years I’ve become increasingly, and desperately bitter about having had two shots of you know what. My brother in law died, and to attend the funeral and celebration of life, my family had to get vaccinated. I have lived with that regret for four years, and I’ve noticed those weeds and vines you speak of, slowly ensnaring me with resentment. I’m going to let it go, keep eating well, moving my body, and hope for the best. Thank you, Tara!
We’re our own best (or worst) medicine. I think there’s also a lot of power we take back in making these decisions for ourselves after making the ones we’re unhappy we made. Yes, I did that thing and yes, I’m choosing to let that go. 💕💕
Oh my goodness! How these words have touched this regret-recovering soul. I have started to rout out regret a few years ago; it can be slow going sometimes, the weak muscle that needs to be exercised more often to be sure!
This passage is just so encouraging and pushes me to keep moving forward (as well as your words about receiving grace-after punishing myself for so long I almost don’t know what it ‘feels’ like):
Regret is a lie. It’s a fantasy that holds us but never delivers peace. In that way, how is a life plagued by regret any different than other distractions people fill their lives with in an effort to not immerse themselves in the business of creating their lives right now? Here and now is where I can honour and serve the people I love. This is where I can remedy the ailments and shortcomings of my character. This is where I can love deeply, expressing my gratitude with actions. If I have failed, allow me to be one who has learned and grown from that failure and who can heal with that awareness.
Thank you again for sharing with us. Your pain, response, and determination to not live in a fetal position affects me so powerfully.❤️
Maya, I am praying that you come to know that grace - that it seeps into all of those nooks and crannies where regret once lived but left space for when it was vanquished from your life,❤️❤️
I'm here for the lessons, and that perspective has made pain and suffering a little easier to bear, and yields much better outcomes. We can only do the best we know how. No use comes from hating our past selves who didn't know better. We truly need all that grace.
Lovely essay today Tara. And so needed. We all have "the regrets," but we have to move on, to learn from them, to choose love in the future, and so on. Rather than regret, it's a lesson learned, one that makes us happier inside our skin and heart. Or so I think.
I don't so much have regrets. The past is just that, the past. Nobody can change it. Ruminations? At times. What it's? Sometimes. But who amd where I am now would be different if something in the past were changed. Would I want that?
Indeed. What I don't like about life at present can still be changed. Which overall isn't much, it's just not easy working that in around daily demands.
Thank you Tara as always. Reading through the comments and knowing fellow humans, who among us doesn't have regret. It's really in what we do with those lessons.
"Regret is a feeling like any other". I never thought of it that way and I'm so glad I do now.
Your comment of regret or gratitude turning the key reminds me of a friend saying we can't be both anxious and grateful at the same time. I bet we can't be regretful and grateful at the same time alike.
I also try to remember that without those things I 'regret' I wouldn't have this beautiful life I'm grateful for today, if I had changed any one of those things who knows. We can regret them, which does nothing, or we can use that to remedy any of our ailments or shortcomings as you beautifully said, in the here and now. We can't change the past. So now what?
Thank you gifting us with your beautiful thoughts and words again and always.
Thank you for your wise and beautifully articulated comment, Julie. Yes, I think the burrowing into these “negative” emotions and reframing them is so helpful. Usually we regret and don’t like that feeling so distract ourselves or just fall into that hole. It’s good to know there’s beauty and healing to be found in those dusty little caves.
So good. I’ve always struggled with how NOT to feel regrets- but it’s true! Or, just a positive attitude does not change the TRUTH! Blah, blah, blah— racing thoughts too much. But to see it from the perspective of a gratitude prism is so good for me. I can understand it and I know it’s true. It’s what allows my heart to see beauty.
I’m so glad to hear this! Yes, it’s true, you’re right! We have regret and then what? Don’t stop there, keep going! There’s gold up in them there hills!
Finally pulling myself out of my hole to read your reply to my last comment and reading this article that I do indeed believe you unknowingly wrote for me. I live with regret of my decision to birth naturally at a birth center everyday. What if I was in a hospital? Would my son be ok? Would everything that subsequently happened not of happened? I don’t know, I can’t say. I still don’t know how to stop those thoughts. I don’t know how to be “better” I’m still trying everyday nonetheless.
I think what you’ve gone through is so similar to what I did. My son is still here but if I made different choices would he be healthy? Would he be walking and smiling and learning to talk? Would he be calling me mama and giving me kisses back? I don’t know.
I do wish we could sit and talk, I think you might be one of the only people who could align with my thought process and maybe help me break it. I’ve tried talking to people, I’ve tried therapy. It all feels empty and scripted to me. Maybe the world will put me in your path one day, who knows. I hope so.
I wish I could just hug you.aunt the greatest gift to yourself is accepting that there is no way to break out of everything. Let the thoughts come. Entertain them and ask if something else could also be true T the same time. Let them do with you what you will. They’ll probably always resurface. I will be heavy with grief for the rest of my life. I’ve accepted that. In amongst there it is also true that I am here in this precious life of mine and I will covet that too.
You may like the book “Bearing the Unbearable” and maybe even “It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay”, but I think the first one most of all.
I could definitely use a real hug. Accepting the life long grief is hard for me, all of my hopes and dreams of having my son were crushed and everything feels tainted now. I’m pregnant again, girl this time and I’m just nervous. I don’t have the excitement I did with my first pregnancy. I fear for how growing up with a disabled sibling is going to shape my daughter’s life. I feel guilty for taking a “normal” life away from her. I’m so scared for the future and what it may bring. There’s no guarantees of life for anyone but a severely disabled child’s life expectancy is significantly decreased and possibly subjecting her to that pain breaks my heart. I hope this birth is healing for us and it’s as magical as I was hoping my first would be. I’ll check out your book recommendations, can’t wait for your book as well <3
Wow...what a gift you have with your wisdom and way with words. These words about regret really had an impact on me because I tend to hang onto things too much and "have regrets". So thank you for setting me on a new path. I appreciate all you share with us...and can't wait to read your book!
So grateful for this! In my work as a psychotherapist (trained as a spiritual psychotherapist) there are many nuances around ideas like “regret” that can feel tangled and unclear. I’m really grateful for this clarity Tara, thank you!
Your words came at an opportune time for me. For the last four years I’ve become increasingly, and desperately bitter about having had two shots of you know what. My brother in law died, and to attend the funeral and celebration of life, my family had to get vaccinated. I have lived with that regret for four years, and I’ve noticed those weeds and vines you speak of, slowly ensnaring me with resentment. I’m going to let it go, keep eating well, moving my body, and hope for the best. Thank you, Tara!
We’re our own best (or worst) medicine. I think there’s also a lot of power we take back in making these decisions for ourselves after making the ones we’re unhappy we made. Yes, I did that thing and yes, I’m choosing to let that go. 💕💕
This essay was like a balm to my soul. Your words are medicinal, and I am so deeply grateful to receive them. Thankyou Tara 🙏
Thank you, Biba. I’m truly honoured.
Oh my goodness! How these words have touched this regret-recovering soul. I have started to rout out regret a few years ago; it can be slow going sometimes, the weak muscle that needs to be exercised more often to be sure!
This passage is just so encouraging and pushes me to keep moving forward (as well as your words about receiving grace-after punishing myself for so long I almost don’t know what it ‘feels’ like):
Regret is a lie. It’s a fantasy that holds us but never delivers peace. In that way, how is a life plagued by regret any different than other distractions people fill their lives with in an effort to not immerse themselves in the business of creating their lives right now? Here and now is where I can honour and serve the people I love. This is where I can remedy the ailments and shortcomings of my character. This is where I can love deeply, expressing my gratitude with actions. If I have failed, allow me to be one who has learned and grown from that failure and who can heal with that awareness.
Thank you again for sharing with us. Your pain, response, and determination to not live in a fetal position affects me so powerfully.❤️
Maya, I am praying that you come to know that grace - that it seeps into all of those nooks and crannies where regret once lived but left space for when it was vanquished from your life,❤️❤️
I love when someone is gifted in words and can put them in a way that I not only relate to, but are beautiful.
And your description of the weeds…it gives me a new perspective on Mary Oliver’s poem “Backyard”…a different kind of idea on the weeds of regret-
I had no time to haul out all
the dead stuff so it hung, limp
or dry, wherever the wind swung it
over or down or across. All summer it stayed that way, untrimmed, and thickened. The paths grew
damp and uncomfortable and mossy until nobody could get through but a mouse or a
shadow. Blackberries, ferns, leaves, litter totally without direction management supervision. The birds loved it.
Ahhh Mary Oliver… somehow always grabbing onto life with such a pure eye and steady heart. Thank you, Corie. 💕
I'm here for the lessons, and that perspective has made pain and suffering a little easier to bear, and yields much better outcomes. We can only do the best we know how. No use comes from hating our past selves who didn't know better. We truly need all that grace.
Beautifully said.💕
Lovely essay today Tara. And so needed. We all have "the regrets," but we have to move on, to learn from them, to choose love in the future, and so on. Rather than regret, it's a lesson learned, one that makes us happier inside our skin and heart. Or so I think.
I think so, too 🙂
Thank you. Amen 🙏
I don't so much have regrets. The past is just that, the past. Nobody can change it. Ruminations? At times. What it's? Sometimes. But who amd where I am now would be different if something in the past were changed. Would I want that?
Hopefully not! And if we do want that, maybe our focus should be on what we can do about that now rather than fantasizing about a past that’s gone.
Indeed. What I don't like about life at present can still be changed. Which overall isn't much, it's just not easy working that in around daily demands.
Thank you Tara as always. Reading through the comments and knowing fellow humans, who among us doesn't have regret. It's really in what we do with those lessons.
"Regret is a feeling like any other". I never thought of it that way and I'm so glad I do now.
Your comment of regret or gratitude turning the key reminds me of a friend saying we can't be both anxious and grateful at the same time. I bet we can't be regretful and grateful at the same time alike.
I also try to remember that without those things I 'regret' I wouldn't have this beautiful life I'm grateful for today, if I had changed any one of those things who knows. We can regret them, which does nothing, or we can use that to remedy any of our ailments or shortcomings as you beautifully said, in the here and now. We can't change the past. So now what?
Thank you gifting us with your beautiful thoughts and words again and always.
Thank you for your wise and beautifully articulated comment, Julie. Yes, I think the burrowing into these “negative” emotions and reframing them is so helpful. Usually we regret and don’t like that feeling so distract ourselves or just fall into that hole. It’s good to know there’s beauty and healing to be found in those dusty little caves.
So good. I’ve always struggled with how NOT to feel regrets- but it’s true! Or, just a positive attitude does not change the TRUTH! Blah, blah, blah— racing thoughts too much. But to see it from the perspective of a gratitude prism is so good for me. I can understand it and I know it’s true. It’s what allows my heart to see beauty.
I’m so glad to hear this! Yes, it’s true, you’re right! We have regret and then what? Don’t stop there, keep going! There’s gold up in them there hills!
Thank you!
Finally pulling myself out of my hole to read your reply to my last comment and reading this article that I do indeed believe you unknowingly wrote for me. I live with regret of my decision to birth naturally at a birth center everyday. What if I was in a hospital? Would my son be ok? Would everything that subsequently happened not of happened? I don’t know, I can’t say. I still don’t know how to stop those thoughts. I don’t know how to be “better” I’m still trying everyday nonetheless.
I think what you’ve gone through is so similar to what I did. My son is still here but if I made different choices would he be healthy? Would he be walking and smiling and learning to talk? Would he be calling me mama and giving me kisses back? I don’t know.
I do wish we could sit and talk, I think you might be one of the only people who could align with my thought process and maybe help me break it. I’ve tried talking to people, I’ve tried therapy. It all feels empty and scripted to me. Maybe the world will put me in your path one day, who knows. I hope so.
I wish I could just hug you.aunt the greatest gift to yourself is accepting that there is no way to break out of everything. Let the thoughts come. Entertain them and ask if something else could also be true T the same time. Let them do with you what you will. They’ll probably always resurface. I will be heavy with grief for the rest of my life. I’ve accepted that. In amongst there it is also true that I am here in this precious life of mine and I will covet that too.
You may like the book “Bearing the Unbearable” and maybe even “It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay”, but I think the first one most of all.
❤️
I could definitely use a real hug. Accepting the life long grief is hard for me, all of my hopes and dreams of having my son were crushed and everything feels tainted now. I’m pregnant again, girl this time and I’m just nervous. I don’t have the excitement I did with my first pregnancy. I fear for how growing up with a disabled sibling is going to shape my daughter’s life. I feel guilty for taking a “normal” life away from her. I’m so scared for the future and what it may bring. There’s no guarantees of life for anyone but a severely disabled child’s life expectancy is significantly decreased and possibly subjecting her to that pain breaks my heart. I hope this birth is healing for us and it’s as magical as I was hoping my first would be. I’ll check out your book recommendations, can’t wait for your book as well <3
Simple. Profound. Beautiful.
One of your best…. In my humble opinion. ❤️
Thank you, Joe.
Wow...what a gift you have with your wisdom and way with words. These words about regret really had an impact on me because I tend to hang onto things too much and "have regrets". So thank you for setting me on a new path. I appreciate all you share with us...and can't wait to read your book!
May peace bloom in the open places regret has abandoned.
Every word, every word, thank you x
Thank you.
So grateful for this! In my work as a psychotherapist (trained as a spiritual psychotherapist) there are many nuances around ideas like “regret” that can feel tangled and unclear. I’m really grateful for this clarity Tara, thank you!