When I was small grandparents would say a good marriage is a blessing and then you get married. There are many times that it doesn’t feel like a blessing. I think we do women a disservice by not being honest with them about embracing a natural role in marriage. When I gave up my independence after 15 years of marriage and decided to fully commit to my husband the marriage became a decision and a commitment and now much joy.
I'm so happy for you, Barbara. I don't understand why there isn't more nuance in the whole marriage narrative. So many young people thinking that to do it right means to follow this prescriptive plan that's socially acceptable rather than finding what works for the two people intimately involved.
So Beautiful!!! I am currently peeling apart what society has taught us about marriage and how women in marriage should act. Independence was my middle name! Lol! My kids always come first, but now working so hard to be of service to everyone in my family. My husband and I have been together for 22 years (since high school). The past year and a half has been a lot of hard work to undo so much. To be more giving to my husband. Less on this self care. And you know what?! I feel so well taken care of, happier, and healthier. It is hard, but I am so happy to be on this new journey with him! Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. Love this!
I love this, Katharine. You and I sound a lot alike in the whole "independence is my middle name". Learning to let that go in service to enriching our union was like learning a new language for me, but like with you, it brought so much more into our lives. I'm truly happy for you and your family.
Thank you for this. Such a great mind opening read. I admit I am so wrapped up in mothering my four children (6,4,2,10months) that my marriage is always put on the back burner lately. Thank you for reminding me that it is worth the extra effort to share my gratitude for all of the things my husband does for my family. You are completely correct that just letting it be known that you are thankful for your man is what they are needing. Going out and closing up the chickens, bringing an extra bucket of water out for our animals, I think he enjoys doing this all the more when he returns and I say thank you from my heart. Recently my father was diagnosed with a bad form of cancer, this has had me really looking at my place in my marriage and realizing that I need to show my love and thankfulness so much more for my man. Seeing my parents marriage and how strong they have been through so many hardships the past few years, and now another one, has made me want to reconnect with my man and just be thankful for the time we have together and stop fussing over the small stuff. This read came at a really great time for me. Thank you for your brilliance with words and life wisdom.
You are amazing Momma! Four babies and running a home is no stinking joke!!! Those babies are not going anywhere and you are and always will be their rock, their everything. They will notice the shift as you make it and they will love it!
It is never too late to put him first. You can start slowly by simply noticing something he does and commenting on it with appreciation. (Sits and plays with one of the kids for ten minutes casually) Look him in the eyes and say something like “thanks for playing with her for a few babe, she loved that” This makes me feel seen, appreciated and then loved. It can start with a thankful remark, then move on to a loving touch of the back or shoulder. Then you can move on to something a little more romantic like hugging him from behind or laying your head on his shoulder. We always have been trained that men make the moves in lustful romance, all part of the fantasy. We should be taught that our intimate and physical love is both of our responsibility. The waves of life will have us all flowing in and out and it is impossible for us to be on the same patterns as our spouse all though life. You are amazing for noticing that you are putting the kids first and reading this with that in mind. Give it some time and he will start to notice your loving shift and you could even say after a bit “babe I’m going to try to put you and our marriage first because after all this family started with you and I” or depending on how bad it’s been you could even apologize “sorry I have been so focused on the kids the past few years I haven’t given you the attention you deserve”
He may be hurting inside yearning for these touches and words. Men always just hold it all in and deal with it. Praying that you shift back towards the passion that created that beautiful family. I have noticed by following this sort of living my husband and I now crack up laughing at the small stuff and chaos of babies and then tackle it together. Basking in the beautiful chaos together it’s a real form of love we have come to know and enjoy! We can’t control much when their are kids in the home but we can control our intentional love and affection towards each other. Give him some time to come back into it as well, it won’t be over night but over months and then it will last forever. Thank you for sharing, we all help each other. As we plan for two more children your post helps me prepare for that as I will have to balance four kids and my marriage as well. God bless🙏🏽
Sarah, you have your hands full. It's totally understandable that there are moments when things slide. I'm sure it works this way for both of you. I've learned that the more I give, the more I get and forgiveness for the times I don't get it quite right comes in hot and fast. Big love to you and your beautiful brood, Sarah.
You captured so brilliantly what I haven't been able to explain to anyone my husband and I know. We met in high school and have committed to our relationship 100% . We, at the tender ages of 17, proclaimed either stay or go; we're not doing this break up make up crap. Little did we know how true that is. Every day since 2003, we've chosen each other. We've had to outgrow the bullshit fantasy, as you described so precisely. A couple years ago, a friend from high school said, "Y'all are it. If you don't make it, there's no hope for the rest of us." Well that's flattering, but as these people discard one relationship after another, they don't see the reason we "make it" is because we work at it. Everyday we choose each other and put our union above all. Every day it's him and me, growing and changing together.
I just love this Jenna! I'm so happy to hear from other couples here who have found that forging their own path, outside of what passes for "healthy relationships" has been fruitful. The more stories and examples the better. We just don't hear this side of things in the discussion around marriage. I'm so happy for you and your husband.
As a man I must say that I believe you captured us pretty well. As a man I also appreciate and needed the insights into the woman’s heart and perspective. Thank you once again Tara. Thank you Troy.
Your story was so beautiful and raw. Loved the comments also. My husband and I have been together 10 years. 1 kid second one on the way..and we’re on the verge of divorce. As painful as it is to type out. I’m off service to everyone. My husband our child our animals the house. I do it all. Left my job to take care of my family. I don’t need thank u or great job but all is missing in our some would say perfect home is..love. My husband doesn’t see me. We don’t really talk unless it’s about the child. No affection no interest no love. And it’s absolutely killing me. He always puts himself first then our child then everyone else and I’m on the bottom of the list. Kills me to be asking for love and affection and going through such stress while pregnant. We both came from broken homes. No marriage role models. Even now we have no one to turn to. If anyone has any advice that would be much appreciated
That's a very hard place to be in, Anna. I can hear your sadness. It's not my place to offer advice and I don't know the relationship you live. I just know that for me, whenever I have felt like I wanting, I have tried to be that which I lacked. If I felt unloved, I became love. If I felt unheard, I listened. It was only through loving more, finding the things I could be grateful for, even in my darkest sadness, that I was able to start receiving.
This piece is so lovely. So lovely. And it holds so much to consider in order to make the shift you did. I am saying this take from an “almost” 50 year marriage—as my husband died a few years before the 50 year mark 8 years ago. Thanks so much for this deep thinking and analysis.
So beautifully written! Educational as well. We are currently in surrounded by poor company. Living in the same house with a married couple who resent each other and have no way of working it out. They are only stuck in the comfort of what they know. The negative atmosphere is suffocating. We have finally found a way out and prepare to do so as soon as possible. Find new jobs, quit our jobs and go. Out, as fast as possible to save our own relationship. We notice how poor company can affect your own mood and relationship negatively.
Your article also made me aware of myself. That I often only give with the expectation of something in return. To be love, to be love, will be my new chant to learn to give and support and appreciate.
I can imagine going back to this article in the future in preparation for a wedding vow.
Sometimes I think seeing what we don't want is just as powerful as knowing what we do. When we don't have good, aspirational role models, sometimes just moving away from the things we don't want to manifest in our lives is good enough.
I was the first of my friends to be married, just a wee one by today's standards (wife by 22 and mother by 23). When my friends started getting married, I gave them a book about marriage that I found helpful. Thus essay is so much better than that book. It encompasses the raw beauty and hardship of marriage so well and includes so many of the lessons my husband and I have learned, like Troy and yourself, the hard way. Neither of us had very good examples of a "good marriage" or a "strong marriage." Our examples were full of pain, strife, mistrust, anger, divorce, and sheer exasperation. We, too, had to muddle our way through this life and all that it has thrown at us. We, too, have been forged in fire. We, too, had to unlearn (and are still unlearning) the ways the dominant culture and our experiences have shaped our view of man, woman, marriage , and love.
My soul seems, somehow, more nourished now. Thank you for this latest essay. I cannot wait to here what Troy has to say! ❤
I just loved reading your comment, Amanda. I hope it's as inspirational to others as it's been for me to read so many of the wonderful comments here. Couples that, despite having no real role models, have forged their own paths and are better for it. I'm so happy for you and I'm so glad you shared your story. Thank you.
Wow everything you wrote hit home so much. I feel a lot of your story is the same with my husband and I. Thank you for putting into words what I have felt in my spirit. Well done
I am 30+ years together with my man, we became a couple in the school. Being career woman in my 20ies, 3 kids in a row in 30ies and my 9 y lasting chronic pain in 40ies have taught something indeed. We were on the verge of divorce several times, but thanks god the marriage survived, our edges softened and the minds & hearts found that sacred equilibrium state. Your words resonate with me so much, I feel like reading our/ my journey in your letter, Tara!
Do you ever find there are moments in life when certain words find you when you need them the most? Or maybe these words are always around it just doesn't absorb the same way unless the moment is ripe. Well, my moment is ripe and these words you write about marriage bring about many emotions but mostly I feel relief to read them. What a beautiful thing to arrive here in your marriage despite everything, and still you choose each other. I'm a decade and three kids into my marriage, and I have discovered my "toolbox" is only partially full with the wrong tools to boot. Damn.
What a wonderful comment, thank you Annie. And yes, that's been the story of my life, but hey, at least you recognize your toolbox has the wrong tools instead of thrashing away at a nail with a wrench. Now you can unlearn and relearn as you see fit. :)
This is also my favorite post you've written. Tolstoy said (and I'm going to mangle this), that there is one way to have a happy family and thousands of ways to be unhappy. I've thought about that idea a lot over the years. Is it true? False? And yet, the longer I think about it, the more it does seem true that there are so many ways to mess things up, and that only the path of love and kindness leads to happiness. I read this article out loud to my love, and then I cried for a second and then he gave me a long hug and told me he loved me...and I am so thankful for him. And your true words.
When I was small grandparents would say a good marriage is a blessing and then you get married. There are many times that it doesn’t feel like a blessing. I think we do women a disservice by not being honest with them about embracing a natural role in marriage. When I gave up my independence after 15 years of marriage and decided to fully commit to my husband the marriage became a decision and a commitment and now much joy.
I'm so happy for you, Barbara. I don't understand why there isn't more nuance in the whole marriage narrative. So many young people thinking that to do it right means to follow this prescriptive plan that's socially acceptable rather than finding what works for the two people intimately involved.
So Beautiful!!! I am currently peeling apart what society has taught us about marriage and how women in marriage should act. Independence was my middle name! Lol! My kids always come first, but now working so hard to be of service to everyone in my family. My husband and I have been together for 22 years (since high school). The past year and a half has been a lot of hard work to undo so much. To be more giving to my husband. Less on this self care. And you know what?! I feel so well taken care of, happier, and healthier. It is hard, but I am so happy to be on this new journey with him! Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. Love this!
I love this, Katharine. You and I sound a lot alike in the whole "independence is my middle name". Learning to let that go in service to enriching our union was like learning a new language for me, but like with you, it brought so much more into our lives. I'm truly happy for you and your family.
This is my most favorite one yet, Tara. Hands down. Bar none. Bonafide. All the things. THIS is THE one. LOVE. I love love.!☺️
Haha that's so great! Thank you xo
Thank you for this. Such a great mind opening read. I admit I am so wrapped up in mothering my four children (6,4,2,10months) that my marriage is always put on the back burner lately. Thank you for reminding me that it is worth the extra effort to share my gratitude for all of the things my husband does for my family. You are completely correct that just letting it be known that you are thankful for your man is what they are needing. Going out and closing up the chickens, bringing an extra bucket of water out for our animals, I think he enjoys doing this all the more when he returns and I say thank you from my heart. Recently my father was diagnosed with a bad form of cancer, this has had me really looking at my place in my marriage and realizing that I need to show my love and thankfulness so much more for my man. Seeing my parents marriage and how strong they have been through so many hardships the past few years, and now another one, has made me want to reconnect with my man and just be thankful for the time we have together and stop fussing over the small stuff. This read came at a really great time for me. Thank you for your brilliance with words and life wisdom.
You are amazing Momma! Four babies and running a home is no stinking joke!!! Those babies are not going anywhere and you are and always will be their rock, their everything. They will notice the shift as you make it and they will love it!
It is never too late to put him first. You can start slowly by simply noticing something he does and commenting on it with appreciation. (Sits and plays with one of the kids for ten minutes casually) Look him in the eyes and say something like “thanks for playing with her for a few babe, she loved that” This makes me feel seen, appreciated and then loved. It can start with a thankful remark, then move on to a loving touch of the back or shoulder. Then you can move on to something a little more romantic like hugging him from behind or laying your head on his shoulder. We always have been trained that men make the moves in lustful romance, all part of the fantasy. We should be taught that our intimate and physical love is both of our responsibility. The waves of life will have us all flowing in and out and it is impossible for us to be on the same patterns as our spouse all though life. You are amazing for noticing that you are putting the kids first and reading this with that in mind. Give it some time and he will start to notice your loving shift and you could even say after a bit “babe I’m going to try to put you and our marriage first because after all this family started with you and I” or depending on how bad it’s been you could even apologize “sorry I have been so focused on the kids the past few years I haven’t given you the attention you deserve”
He may be hurting inside yearning for these touches and words. Men always just hold it all in and deal with it. Praying that you shift back towards the passion that created that beautiful family. I have noticed by following this sort of living my husband and I now crack up laughing at the small stuff and chaos of babies and then tackle it together. Basking in the beautiful chaos together it’s a real form of love we have come to know and enjoy! We can’t control much when their are kids in the home but we can control our intentional love and affection towards each other. Give him some time to come back into it as well, it won’t be over night but over months and then it will last forever. Thank you for sharing, we all help each other. As we plan for two more children your post helps me prepare for that as I will have to balance four kids and my marriage as well. God bless🙏🏽
Sarah, you have your hands full. It's totally understandable that there are moments when things slide. I'm sure it works this way for both of you. I've learned that the more I give, the more I get and forgiveness for the times I don't get it quite right comes in hot and fast. Big love to you and your beautiful brood, Sarah.
You captured so brilliantly what I haven't been able to explain to anyone my husband and I know. We met in high school and have committed to our relationship 100% . We, at the tender ages of 17, proclaimed either stay or go; we're not doing this break up make up crap. Little did we know how true that is. Every day since 2003, we've chosen each other. We've had to outgrow the bullshit fantasy, as you described so precisely. A couple years ago, a friend from high school said, "Y'all are it. If you don't make it, there's no hope for the rest of us." Well that's flattering, but as these people discard one relationship after another, they don't see the reason we "make it" is because we work at it. Everyday we choose each other and put our union above all. Every day it's him and me, growing and changing together.
I just love this Jenna! I'm so happy to hear from other couples here who have found that forging their own path, outside of what passes for "healthy relationships" has been fruitful. The more stories and examples the better. We just don't hear this side of things in the discussion around marriage. I'm so happy for you and your husband.
As a man I must say that I believe you captured us pretty well. As a man I also appreciate and needed the insights into the woman’s heart and perspective. Thank you once again Tara. Thank you Troy.
Thank you, Guy.
As a younger woman this is what we need to hear. Resonates deeply. Gave me much to ponder on
So happy to hear that :)
Your story was so beautiful and raw. Loved the comments also. My husband and I have been together 10 years. 1 kid second one on the way..and we’re on the verge of divorce. As painful as it is to type out. I’m off service to everyone. My husband our child our animals the house. I do it all. Left my job to take care of my family. I don’t need thank u or great job but all is missing in our some would say perfect home is..love. My husband doesn’t see me. We don’t really talk unless it’s about the child. No affection no interest no love. And it’s absolutely killing me. He always puts himself first then our child then everyone else and I’m on the bottom of the list. Kills me to be asking for love and affection and going through such stress while pregnant. We both came from broken homes. No marriage role models. Even now we have no one to turn to. If anyone has any advice that would be much appreciated
That's a very hard place to be in, Anna. I can hear your sadness. It's not my place to offer advice and I don't know the relationship you live. I just know that for me, whenever I have felt like I wanting, I have tried to be that which I lacked. If I felt unloved, I became love. If I felt unheard, I listened. It was only through loving more, finding the things I could be grateful for, even in my darkest sadness, that I was able to start receiving.
I would love to chat if you want to email me. youneybrittany1@gmail.com
I am here for you and will pray for you, your marriage and your family.
I feel that I may have good advice to offer and for sure love and support. ❤️🙏🏽
Beautiful. Keeping this in the files for easy reference, again and again.
This piece is so lovely. So lovely. And it holds so much to consider in order to make the shift you did. I am saying this take from an “almost” 50 year marriage—as my husband died a few years before the 50 year mark 8 years ago. Thanks so much for this deep thinking and analysis.
Thank you, Louisa. Wow, almost 50 years of marriage. That's wonderful.
So beautifully written! Educational as well. We are currently in surrounded by poor company. Living in the same house with a married couple who resent each other and have no way of working it out. They are only stuck in the comfort of what they know. The negative atmosphere is suffocating. We have finally found a way out and prepare to do so as soon as possible. Find new jobs, quit our jobs and go. Out, as fast as possible to save our own relationship. We notice how poor company can affect your own mood and relationship negatively.
Your article also made me aware of myself. That I often only give with the expectation of something in return. To be love, to be love, will be my new chant to learn to give and support and appreciate.
I can imagine going back to this article in the future in preparation for a wedding vow.
Sometimes I think seeing what we don't want is just as powerful as knowing what we do. When we don't have good, aspirational role models, sometimes just moving away from the things we don't want to manifest in our lives is good enough.
I was the first of my friends to be married, just a wee one by today's standards (wife by 22 and mother by 23). When my friends started getting married, I gave them a book about marriage that I found helpful. Thus essay is so much better than that book. It encompasses the raw beauty and hardship of marriage so well and includes so many of the lessons my husband and I have learned, like Troy and yourself, the hard way. Neither of us had very good examples of a "good marriage" or a "strong marriage." Our examples were full of pain, strife, mistrust, anger, divorce, and sheer exasperation. We, too, had to muddle our way through this life and all that it has thrown at us. We, too, have been forged in fire. We, too, had to unlearn (and are still unlearning) the ways the dominant culture and our experiences have shaped our view of man, woman, marriage , and love.
My soul seems, somehow, more nourished now. Thank you for this latest essay. I cannot wait to here what Troy has to say! ❤
I just loved reading your comment, Amanda. I hope it's as inspirational to others as it's been for me to read so many of the wonderful comments here. Couples that, despite having no real role models, have forged their own paths and are better for it. I'm so happy for you and I'm so glad you shared your story. Thank you.
Wow everything you wrote hit home so much. I feel a lot of your story is the same with my husband and I. Thank you for putting into words what I have felt in my spirit. Well done
So glad to hear it, thank you, Jaccalyn.
I am 30+ years together with my man, we became a couple in the school. Being career woman in my 20ies, 3 kids in a row in 30ies and my 9 y lasting chronic pain in 40ies have taught something indeed. We were on the verge of divorce several times, but thanks god the marriage survived, our edges softened and the minds & hearts found that sacred equilibrium state. Your words resonate with me so much, I feel like reading our/ my journey in your letter, Tara!
I am so happy you both saw those tough times through and are here sharing your story, Modesta. Thank you :)
Do you ever find there are moments in life when certain words find you when you need them the most? Or maybe these words are always around it just doesn't absorb the same way unless the moment is ripe. Well, my moment is ripe and these words you write about marriage bring about many emotions but mostly I feel relief to read them. What a beautiful thing to arrive here in your marriage despite everything, and still you choose each other. I'm a decade and three kids into my marriage, and I have discovered my "toolbox" is only partially full with the wrong tools to boot. Damn.
What a wonderful comment, thank you Annie. And yes, that's been the story of my life, but hey, at least you recognize your toolbox has the wrong tools instead of thrashing away at a nail with a wrench. Now you can unlearn and relearn as you see fit. :)
This is also my favorite post you've written. Tolstoy said (and I'm going to mangle this), that there is one way to have a happy family and thousands of ways to be unhappy. I've thought about that idea a lot over the years. Is it true? False? And yet, the longer I think about it, the more it does seem true that there are so many ways to mess things up, and that only the path of love and kindness leads to happiness. I read this article out loud to my love, and then I cried for a second and then he gave me a long hug and told me he loved me...and I am so thankful for him. And your true words.
Well this just made me downright misty. Thank you for sharing that tender moment with me, Janene.