marriage: let's discuss

There’s such a delightful array of readers here. Some have been married for decades, some for a few years. I get a lot of questions about marriage and I understand why. I think meaningful, long lasting relationships are seen as something luck brings your way. When kismet meets serendipity, you get l-o-v-e and when it fizzles, move on. The truth is so much harder and with hard comes rewarding.

I will start us off, but I hope you all share what has worked for you. It’s not a debate, just an open call to anyone that wants to contribute.

Alright, for Troy and I, here’s what we went into our marriage thinking that turned out to be bogus, and in some cases, outright detrimental:

  • women are more evolved emotionally than men (we just communicate differently)

  • two independent humans make up a “healthy relationship” (interconnectedness is where it’s at)

  • vulnerability is dangerous (there is no connection without vulnerability)

  • if a woman doesn’t want to have sex, there is no sex (seriously, this is pervasive and incredibly damaging. if a woman loses her libido, it’s time to start figuring it out not assuming that’s just life now)

  • women are supreme, all powerful and need to shape and evolve their men

  • traditional roles are for archaic humans who belong in the dark ages (just no)

Here are some realizations that brought us so much joy and peace:

  • the incredible benefits of spending more time figuring out what kindness we could bring to each other over who was right

  • extending compassion over judgment

  • honouring our commitment to life together daily, especially when the ebb and flow of feelings made us feel less than enthused. feelings wane, commitment is commitment

  • telling each other how much we appreciated this little thing or that little thing - it shows the other that they are seen and it helps you to build gratitude in your heart

  • saying “I’m sorry”

  • saying “I’m sorry” again

  • humility to listen without need to defend

  • us over all. any toxic relationships with family or others that continuously cause issues in marriage need to be addressed head on

  • parenting together, as a united front, and always, always still putting our marriage front and centre, even if that meant just squirrelling away an hour for a tea under a tree or a bath together, or a massage for a weary body

  • never bemoaning our spouse to other people. if we have a problem, we solve it together. we are each other’s most staunch defenders. woe is the mortal who insults my man.

  • touching, hugging, sweet kisses, pats on the bum, cat calls, lifted eyebrows at the sight of naked bums. always

  • noticing, admiring, being grateful for what the other person brings into our lives and encouraging their passions and pursuits

There’s so much more to say, but this should get us going. Alright, your turn! Let’s chat!

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