There’s such a delightful array of readers here. Some have been married for decades, some for a few years. I get a lot of questions about marriage and I understand why. I think meaningful, long lasting relationships are seen as something luck brings your way. When kismet meets serendipity, you get l-o-v-e and when it fizzles, move on. The truth is so much harder and with hard comes rewarding.
I will start us off, but I hope you all share what has worked for you. It’s not a debate, just an open call to anyone that wants to contribute.
Alright, for Troy and I, here’s what we went into our marriage thinking that turned out to be bogus, and in some cases, outright detrimental:
women are more evolved emotionally than men (we just communicate differently)
two independent humans make up a “healthy relationship” (interconnectedness is where it’s at)
vulnerability is dangerous (there is no connection without vulnerability)
if a woman doesn’t want to have sex, there is no sex (seriously, this is pervasive and incredibly damaging. if a woman loses her libido, it’s time to start figuring it out not assuming that’s just life now)
women are supreme, all powerful and need to shape and evolve their men
traditional roles are for archaic humans who belong in the dark ages (just no)
Here are some realizations that brought us so much joy and peace:
the incredible benefits of spending more time figuring out what kindness we could bring to each other over who was right
extending compassion over judgment
honouring our commitment to life together daily, especially when the ebb and flow of feelings made us feel less than enthused. feelings wane, commitment is commitment
telling each other how much we appreciated this little thing or that little thing - it shows the other that they are seen and it helps you to build gratitude in your heart
saying “I’m sorry”
saying “I’m sorry” again
humility to listen without need to defend
us over all. any toxic relationships with family or others that continuously cause issues in marriage need to be addressed head on
parenting together, as a united front, and always, always still putting our marriage front and centre, even if that meant just squirrelling away an hour for a tea under a tree or a bath together, or a massage for a weary body
never bemoaning our spouse to other people. if we have a problem, we solve it together. we are each other’s most staunch defenders. woe is the mortal who insults my man.
touching, hugging, sweet kisses, pats on the bum, cat calls, lifted eyebrows at the sight of naked bums. always
noticing, admiring, being grateful for what the other person brings into our lives and encouraging their passions and pursuits
There’s so much more to say, but this should get us going. Alright, your turn! Let’s chat!
Tara's in town today, so I thought I would sneak in a post from a man's perspective on our marriage and what I feel has brought us peace and joy. (1) Follow through with everything you say. The small things that you say you'll do but that go undone, whittle away at her trust in you. Let her know that when you say you'll do something, it's done. (2) Vulnerability is a strength when shared with the woman you love. This way of being was so counter to the way I was brought up and enforced from a profession in the military. I now know that true intimacy comes through sharing my innermost thoughts "aloud" with Tara, regularly and always. (3) Loving the sight of her naked and telling her so, daily. (4) Noticing and being grateful for all the small things that Tara does. And, in my man way doing all the small things for her to make her life easier and more beautiful with no expectation for thanks or anything in return. (5) Supporting Tara to allow her to flourish and grow in her pursuits. Often I don't understand the why, but I have learned that doing everything I can to support her creativity and interests benefits us as a couple and makes us stronger together. (6) Lead the family. If you are married to a woman as highly competent and intelligent as Tara you know that they are more then capable to lead and will do so when there is a deficit of leadership. But, I know that when I lead our family and our relationship, it brings more peace, clarity and structure and in turn I believe, allows Tara to relax more into her natural feminine state. (7) Be playful. I'm pretty straight laced and even keel, but I love seeing and participating in the zany ways of Tara and our daughters. (8) Always, always take and make the time to allow your woman to feel loved. From always giving a lingering goodbye kiss, to a shoulder massage after a long day, to a more than detailed "tick check", make her feel loved, steadfastly and forever.
Hey Troy, I found it really helpful to get a man's take on what works in a relationship. I'm a 24 year old guy (man, I guess? Sometimes I'm not so sure (not about my gender orientation, but whether I'm worthy of that title)), and didn’t grow up with good examples of happy, functional relationships. I surely did learn a lot about how not to be in a relationship (and as a human generally), so I have a good idea of many pitfalls to avoid, but I don't feel that I have much that is concrete to aim for.
I'm happy to write that I believe I'm actually pretty good in a few of the pillars you mentioned (particularly 3, 5, and 7), though feel I need to improve on the rest. I feel that each one is straight-froward and self-explanatory except for #6 (lead the family), which I hope you'll write/speak more about at some point.
I have been dating a highly competent and intelligent women for 1.5 years. She is also deeply feminine, and I feel in my bones that she wants me to be the leader in our relationship, but I don't feel that I have much know-how or confidence in this area, so we often experience what feel like momentary glitches. Like we both want to shout "LINE" backstage, as though we don’t know how the script is supposed to go. I think these are moment when I fail to step up (usually times when a decision needs to be made, but no one does). I'm not a very decisive person. Is that a major part in leading a family? If so I'll start practicing.
I'm also curious if what you've learned about manhood has come purely from role models, trial/error, or if you've read helpful books on the subject (and if so, I'd appreciate your recommendations).
Thanks again for your perspective.
I'd also like to add, more in response to Tara's post, that the notion that 'men expressing masculinity is toxic' was deeply engrained in my psyche from an early age. I feel that it's only since meeting my current girlfriend, who is the epitome of feminine in many ways, that I've recognized how harmful this idea is and have happily made great effort and progress in uprooting it from my mind. Hence why a void has opened up (as per my previous paragraph) and I'm not so sure how to act sometimes…
oh I just love troy guest appearances! everything you both have said rings very true for us also after 14 years of marriage. it really does seem pretty simple when you lay it out, yet so incredibly difficult and profound.
Thank you Troy, I am new here but looking forward to getting to know you too. Hearing your perspective is so valuable. I Know my husband would agree with all those points, and the 1st point I think would hit him hard. He wants to be true to his word but has not kept one big promise he made me on our 4th date, to quit smoking, he has tried but the stress of work and a young family has always brought him back. He also uses alcohol, as I have, but sober for 6 months now with no intention of going back, and I hope one day he can see he needs to quit drinking too. I, on the other hand, have not been very receptive of his (or really anyones) affection or even recognition. I see now how that has eaten away at our connection. Lots of self-love needed on both our parts but we are dedicated to growing and evolving.
Our details are different, but we've been in some very hard places. Focus on you and what you can do and keep talking to each other. It's amazing what can grow just from that.
Great perspectives all! Combining numbers 1 and 7 brought back a memory for me. My well-intentioned husband would often put off projects I needed completed leading to marital frustration on my part. I found a plaque in an antique store that said "If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months." After I bought it and handed it to my husband, we both had a good giggle.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years this month. We both feel like each other is the best thing that ever happened to us followed by our little miracle baby.
We tried for kids for 10 years, experienced 2 miscarriages and then got our sweet baby boy.
I got really sick 5 years ago and was bed ridden for 9 months before we figured out I had developed all of these autoimmune diseases. It took 3 years of very consistent effort in changing diet and lifestyle to get my health back. My husband has bathed me, dressed me, literally spoon fed me and even shaved my legs for me lol there is nothing more humbling, and more connecting than total dependence on each other.
All to say, I think we made our biggest leap in our marriage when a 2 years ago we were setting yearly goals and we always pick 4 areas to set goals in: relationships being one of them.
My goal was to have a deep connection with my husband every day. Then I wrote out every idea I could think of on how to do that. This is when I started to realize that sex wasn’t just for him and his needs! It was for us. It was for connection. I realized that simple things like eating together with no tv on, and making a cup of tea and sitting on the couch for half an hour at night just to talk was also deep connection. My sex drive went from pretty much nothing to basically wanting sex with him every other day lol it’s funny how aiming for connection opened up all these doors. And guess what? We got pregnant and made our baby! And now having a child, and being tired, we have had to work out new ways to connect each day but meal times are still a huge part of that and pillow talk. Anyways not sure if all of this made sense. It can be hard to put into words the nuances and the epicness of these small daily decisions and how they echo in our relationship for years to come. You know? ❤️ Thanks for starting the convo!
Aw, Ruth, this made me cry. I am so happy for your both. And, you know, it's true that not having sex seems to deaden something in us women. The longer you go without, it's like your body says, "Okay, guess we're not doing that anymore. Good night." Ha! Need a higher libido, have more sex! What a good and loyal man you have there. :)
Wow, Ruth, your reply really connected with me; especially this bit about sex and aiming for connection....somewhere deep in the translation of marriage sex became “duty” which isnt very sexy, lol! But connection is a beautiful perspective. Navigating the terrain of intimacy even after many years of marriage is full of mystery but perhaps it is more paradox it scary and it is beautiful especially if you are going for connection above all else...hmm thank you🤍 your man sound beautiful caring for you whilst your physical being healed..bless you both🙏
Yes to this! I have tried to explain to my S.O. that my low libido has a lot to do with things not being well in our relationship, and that feeling good and happy and loved turns me on.... I think it's difficult for guys to grasp that, when he is turned on directly by physical touch, seeing me naked etc. But you hit the nail on the head!
For us, married 38 years, it’s been never giving up. Both are human, we both are thoughtless at times. I remember reading this and it has helped me…Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself…it’s thinking of yourself less. I need to focus on my husband, too. I also find it helpful to ask myself if I would want to be married to me. And, yes, lots of sex. It is the connection that’s saved us when we aren’t in time with each other.
Wonderful, Willisa! I love that, "humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less". What a simple, wonderful thought in the time of great narcissism.
Thank you for all of the insights. And yes to all of it. More of this discussion is needed, I think young couples starting out today are very ill equipped. We were. Either we didnt have good examples of healthy relationships, no elders to tell us this advice, or were not raised in an open-communication type of way. As a couple that got pregnant before we were ready, but decided to have at it anyways, we have been through many ups and downs already in our 5 years together. Through financial struggles, addiction issues, parenting our child (and reparenting ourselves), toxic family members, and many other things, heres a few things ive learned:
-We can always get over ourselves and see the other persons perspective, and therefore respond with understanding
-its hurtful to deny a man sex in a dismissive, sarcastic or rude way. (doesnt mean you should just do it if you really dont want to) but atleast explain why you need to say no and whats going on rather than just dismiss- imagine being in those shoes and constantly having to be the initiator only to be denied constantly
-Dont assume he knows whats in your head, always communicate clearly your needs. Be aware when youre doing the dishes and rattling off in your head all the shit he's not doing enough of. Sit down and have the talk and understand.
-your on the same team... no matter what
-its the little things- organize and refold the clothes in his closet, make sure hes got food, ask him if he needs support
-if you're really in the deep end and are feeling like "i dont know if this relationship is going to work anymore" just wait... and be with it.. and remember that replacing someone doesn't solve the sadness/anger/shame inside of you that contributed to the issues with your partner. The inner work is so important, to understand what continuously comes up for you and why. Ive known many couples that separated and got with new partners only to have the same issues arise because they didnt realize they had unresolved emotions stuck in the subconscious
-always hug and touch every day. endorphins. HusB and I were at a point once where I was still nursing my son at 2 years and was still getting all the lovely snuggles with him and sleeping next to him in a different room and so I was getting all this body connection but realized my husband was really not getting it much...so now i make a point to at the very least long hug in morning and evening.
-dont argue in front of kids, they hear even when theyre babies
-always connect back to your greater vision together, often.
I came to the realization too that even if I threw our relationship out the window I would have the same struggles with another man...because what triggers me is my own!
Gosh, Kacey, these are fantastic, honest, incredibly helpful pieces of wisdom. I wish I could print this whole thread out and share it with so many people that write to me on Instagram asking what's going wrong in their relationships. These are just excellent and your ability to self-reflect, to question if your husband is getting what he needs, not just what you need, is something that will surely hold you in good stead. Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Kacey! I really enjoyed reading your comment! I'd like to add a different perspective on the part about not arguing in front of kids. I grew up in a home where my parents did not argue in front of us, or would start an argument and then would stop. They probably picked it back up when we were out of earshot. But I found as an adult, wishing I had had healthy arguing modeled for me. I had no idea how to work through a disagreement in a healthy fashion and what the outcome of working through it looked like. Does that make sense? My husband and I don't argue much, but I try really hard to let our kids see how we work through stuff. I'm wondering what other people's experiences are with this.
Yes I think thats true actually Cristin. I think its just being about aware of how you're speaking to your partner or about them in front of kids. This is an area I'm still working on with my partner. I tend to just remain quiet about it in front of my son and talk to partner about it later, sometimes this also allows me time to sort through it myself instead of the feeling like i want to blow up in the moment. But definitely important for kids to see conflict resolution and all types of emotions being allowed. My partner and I were not in a good place at one point a couple of years ago and sometimes things would escalate to the point of really putting the other down rather than just an argument, and that never feels good especially in front of a kid. I just really try and see where a conflict might go and what both of our energies are to decide if its ok to have right then or should wait... but im not sure, would love to know others perspectives on this as well.
My husband and I are going on 10 years of marriage now. Crazy to think we’ve been together through a third of my life now just about.
We’ve been through SUCH tumult. Probably more than most couples ever deal with in a lifetime: legal woes, a prison term (we were pot growers), infidelity, squandered fortunates, alcoholism, and parenting a toddler! We had taken 6 months apart while he decided whether or not he wanted to quit drinking and stay together, and just moved back in together. I feel nothing short of triumphant. We have grown apart then back together, now deep in a process of reflecting on how we came to be here and why, together and separately. I easily could have blamed him for everything and called him a deadbeat and moved on but that isn’t what I wanted and neither is it the truth.
The truth is that for a life to become so twisted up in drama it requires two parties drowning in self delusion.
We’re lucky in that at least we both come from parents who remained happily married. I don’t really see it modeled in the culture at large. My generation seems to see marriage as nothing more than a piece of paper, as disposable. I can’t even tell you how many friends I have that are single mothers. I can’t even tell you how many friends I have that advised me to just walk away from my relationship. They call everything “abusive.” People are losing the ability to compromise, to view one another charitably. And I don’t see a culture that supports families in working it out and staying together.
My husband is human, as am I. He has wounds and struggles and insecurities, as I do. He’s complex, as am I. But I know him and he knows me. He has loved me through all of my craziness, my fickleness, my “feminism.”
I’ll end with this: I spent a lot of years having bought into the victim economy. I blamed my shortcomings on everyone but me. My dad for not loving me the way I thought I needed to be loved as I child. Society for its ills. My elders. Patriarchy. Whatever. Recently I came out of a really intense process of waking up from that veil of delusion. It’s like I woke up and realize what an adult actually is. It’s someone who takes responsibility for their life and their feelings and their wellbeing without blaming others. I can’t think of a more disempowering way to see the world than through the lens of patriarchy, or racism or whatever else. It’s only one small piece of the story.
I too would defend my man to the end. He’s a person of courage and integrity. We go forward together with the understanding that we are the weavers of our destiny. If things aren’t okay it’s both of our jobs to seek solutions.
Anyway, I could go on about this forever. We were married. We said words. We meant them. Nothing is more important than each other and our family.
Thank you for sharing such an honest and profound piece of your story with us. There is a great authenticity in your words and I think it's 'the real' that is missing in the empty nourishment of our world. It makes me so sad that being a victim is offered up and heralded as "brave" in our twisted culture. It keeps us all so very small and powerless. I could tell you stories about my past, but my past is gone and I am here and I am choosing to be responsible for the love and the life I give and receive and what can be more important than that? Feeding the past which isn't even real anymore? I am moved by your determination and that you are fulfilling what you have been put here for and that you have a man to do that alongside you. xo
Thanks for sharing this. I am so impressed by the whole path you're walking and your reflection and being committed to being an "adult" - We all are!! Being an adult can be hard :)
20 years in, I'll say "choosing your battles"...and when you feel like there are battles, really reflect before you choose to fight. Take stock in what the rub is, what caused it, how could it be better handled, own your part, decide if a battle is worth the energy that could be better spent elsewhere, decide if it is something to die on the sword for, think about what outcome you're hoping for....and sheesh, by then you should be calmed down and hopefully realizing nothing is worth all that drama!
I can be a hothead reactionary gal. And if I settle my arse down and do some reflecting, it takes the wind from my sails and I can think logically. It's really a self time out!
I'll also jump on the kindness train. Everything from pouring his coffee to making a beautiful salad at lunch to covering him with his favorite quilt when he falls asleep on the couch. All little things that show love and kindness. They don't go unnoticed and on busy days, mean more than ever.
Finally, we don't let stuff sit. And we work together to talk everything through...from bills, to meals, to which direction to mow the lawn this week. We have done this for nearly all our 20 years together. I think it is the truest show of our love for one another because we agree, disagree, and agree to disagree...and at the end of each day, it always all works out and we find ourselves happier for those moments.
All I'm thinking here is that I hope young couples find their way to these amazing comments. Just layers of gems based on experience and truth. This is wonderful, Jeanie. We have found the same things to be true, especially talking about everything. There is nothing off limits and we communicate about it all. I love the image of you doing those sweet things for your man, too. Women are such beautiful nurturers and its always so lovely to witness that full expression of love.
I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve sort of girl but trying to be more careful with as you say picking my battles. I want to share all the changes to my heart and soul that have happened recently with my husband but I'm also finding I have to give him time to see the changes first. Playing a bit of poker, if I reveal all my recent revelations he gets scared I've changed beyond recognition.
I understand this- i think sometimes change and evolution are scary processes...and while they are cause for celebration, they are also good moments for reflection. I think that "showing your full hand" can often be daunting for the recipient- who will likely be proud, but could well be overwhelmed at first blush.
My husband always says that life is a slow dance. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...but you always end up dancing together.
I really love this, and truly appreciate your posts on the topic - there just aren't enough people talking about it.
I think for us, one of the most important aspects of our relationship that has really been the glue, is to never lose our playfulness with each other, to be happy, silly little children together and lose ourselves in that, even if just for a stolen moment in between doing the dishes and bathtime.
And a deep respect for the other, and what's important to them. Does he understand why there is a frozen placenta in our freezer, waiting to be buried under a tree? 😂 Nope. Does he know its important to me, and will Bury it with me and pretend it doesn't slightly freak him out every time he opens the freezer? You can bet on it.
Ahahaha thank you for the laugh! Yes! How wonderful! My husband is as straight-laced as they come and I think I'm pretty bonkers most of the time. It's so refreshing to read this, Lee. Playfulness is so important! You're absolutely right! There is all manner of wonkiness that can be diluted with delight and laughter. Thank you for sharing this :)
Okay...I'm a bossy/stressy (but funny!) type personality and struggled to find someone who could cope with that! But he did and I really appreciated the way he handled me! I'm big on communication so arguments were not left to fester ... we had to talk it through...sometimes too much but I was always honest in my feelings and wouldn't hesitate to admit fault. He's always been very happy with me being happy and I was aware that his desires may get left behind but i think i managed to make sure he was able to have his desires fulfilled...mostly! :P We still working on things like libido and not taking each other for granted. We definitely aren't perfect and looking back I think we've done okay...29 years this year and we feel that we are happier together and stronger now, more than ever, but still a work in progress. my two cents <3
Another thing is that due to being a communicator type (I had my strengths test and communicator was numero uno) and being open and honest I've inadvertently enabled great relationships with our 3 boys and their girlfriends and we talk openly over family get togethers, of the challenges of navigating issues that can cause problems ...and we laugh about a lot of it...I'm hoping it's helping the girls understand boys in a way that's not offered in the general sphere they inhabit. 🙏🤞
I love this Tara, thank you, so with you on all your realisations.
For me and my husband (married 6 years, together 12, 3 kids who are 9, 6 and 4) I feel it’s our commitment to our sexual connection that has allowed us to to thrive together and for our relationship to evolve and deepen over time.
We are committed to a minimum of one evening a week where we get naked and connect intimately, although it often becomes 3 or 4 and sometimes we even manage to steal a morning or lunchtime session : )
This is the foundation of our relationship - it’s here that we meet each other’s most vulnerable and tender parts as well as the God/Goddess in one another. Where we connect on the deepest level. And where we play.
It’s not easy - we have waded through a whole load of entangled stuff naked in bed. And there is always more of course. But each time we come through it we reach a new level of connection. And the sex just gets better and better.
I'm so glad you shared this, Laura. What a beautiful, intimate way to connect (as it should be). I know that there are a whole host of reasons that intimacy can wane, from young children to hormonal issues, but it's so integral to the fabric of a relationship. Thank you for sharing how meaningful this is in your relationship.
I feel like we are only learning now how important this aspect is but I also think the years he had patience with me greatly impacted my trust in him and ability to connect.
With healing foods and reconnecting with nature (especially the sun) my libido is coming back! It is exciting and refreshing to hear how sex strengthens a couples connection and I am ever more eager to explore intimacy with my husband. 😁
I just found this out😊 and now I believe it is the giver and messenger for all life on earth! I have not gotten my husband to join me, but he has enjoyed watching me sun bath topless on the warmer days this past Manitoba winter/spring! 😉 Looking forward to the warmer days still to come.
I have been using all the light of the sun to help heal my health issues including hormonal imbalances. I try every morning to see the sunrise to put my melatonin to bed and get cortisol and serotonin kicking in naturally. I make sure to use the sun to make vitamin D, and limit blue light especially after sunset, so my sleep is good too. It has helped regulate all my hormones as they are all connected to our circadian rhythm. Together with eating high fat and mainly animal products I've noticed changes with all my health issues, mentally, physically and spiritually. So not sure how intriguing that sounds, but i have found learing the science behind it has been extremely enlightening.
These changes alone are some of the most profound things anyone can do for their health. I have family members that are not well, cannot sleep, and are now suffering the ravages of whole body/brain inflammation that, had they made these simple steps, would very likely see them in robust health right now. We humans like to overcomplicate things, but these things alone are profound and affect every facet of our health. Wonderful comment, Alexandra.
Love this. Have been having horrible hormonal issues over the last few years, from thyroid to sex hormones. Libido is terrible. Eat essentially carnivore. Maybe more fat? I always go outside within minutes of waking to get the natural light. In the spring thru autumn, soend lots of time outside in sun, but mostly working around the home…not relaxing in the sun. Blue light always an issue as hubby and I love to catch a movie or documentary every night. Not sure I can convince him to turn off the tv. Thanks for this info Neil do some more looking into it. Any books you recommend or people worthy of following that are backed up with science? Thanks for sharing.
The person I have mainly learnt from is Dr. Courtney Hunt.She has one book, but it is not really about hormonal health but quantum mechanics as it relates to human creation. She also goes live every morning at sunrise, Arizona time, and many other times during the day, so you can learn for free. She speaks about the science of the sun, mitochondrial health, DNA, epigenetics, quantum biology, human creation and the singularit(ies), so you have to listen often to piece it all together. She also provides webinars that I found very helpful. There are others as well, Dr.Jack Kruse I hear is a good source.
My struggle right now is seeing the sunrise as it gets earlier and earlier, especially when, like last night, my 2 yo ends up in bed with us and we have a restless night.
I hear you about the TV, fortunately my husband has been pretty accommodating with this change in lifestyle. If we do anything it is listen to audible books together by candle light, sometimes in the bath, it is lovely! We are listening to the Dune series right now.
I also wear blue light blockers, daytime ones while on the computer and night time ones which are shaded reddish. While your whole body sense the light your eyes are the main connection between the light and your biology, so it is suppose to help, I think it has. Maybe look into getting a pair, Swanwick is one good brand. Then at least you can control your own light!
Might I also add that there is no "counting the jellybeans"...meaning we are not divided on what gets done. We share and share alike. Some days I do all the cooking and dishes. Some days he does all the dishes. Somedays the dishes sit. We strive to just see a need and fill a need. It somehow gives us more time together.
We also didn't parent together when our kids were younger...we brought our children together when we became a couple. From day 1, we saw each other's kids as our own and support all 4 of them in whatever way they may need. At times, one may need way more than the other and that's okay. We give as freely of our time and energy as we can, even when it may seem uneven. If we aren't on the same page- we never talk about it in front of the kids. We discuss later and make amends as needed.
We spend many a night with a quiet house, jigsawing or playing Gin. Some nights we play vinyl on our record player and watch the world outside. It may be 5 minutes or 5 hours. But it's "our time" and we work hard not to forgo it.
We always, always hold hands...there is nothing better than my hand in his.
Love each and every comment here. 20 years in and I am still finding there is so much to learn.
My in-laws told us the day we got married that marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100, each must give a 100% of themselves to the marriage every day. We've lived this philosophy for the 13 years of our marriage, and it's absolutely true. They also said to marry your best friend because you won't always be in love, but you'll always be friends. My husband is my best friend and I'm his. I can't imagine my life being any other way. 💗
That is such good advice! And so very true. I'm so glad you happened to marry your best friend, Jenna :) How beautiful is that?! Very beautiful, indeed.
Totally. If it weren’t for the fact that my husband and I genuinely enjoy each other, make each other laugh super hard and have a lot in common, we never would have pulled through some things. Our friendship has saved us for sure.
Wonderfully said, I agree and practice all of that you mentioned. Happily married for 20 years. We have keept the flame going and we are in love, in a different way than when we meet. We had gone through life changes, moves overseas, and big health issues for both of us. We always supported each other in the lowest and the highest. We make a point to compliment and thank each other always. I had breast cancer with a double mastectomy and went flat, no recontruction. He hold me all the way, no complains ever. We managed to keep a healthy sex life given the lack of breast. Our bodies have changed but our love have grown even stronger for the beauty inside. Everyday, no matter what, we have "baby hold" time off. We lay in bed, converse, joke, dream, plan, kiss and caress each other. We sing, we dance and laugh of our jokes, even if they are bad. We forgive and forget. We are each other priority, our home is our sanctuary, and we look forward to our time together every single day.
Thank you for your words Tara it is lovely and refreshing to read you.
This is absolutely beautiful, Cecilia. I am so glad. you shared this with us. All of our bodies are changing, the things we thought were so important in youth seem to slowly be replaced with things that are so much more meaningful. I used to need to be a certain jean size, now I want my knees to be functional. I used to look at other young women and compare myself, now I barely look in the mirror but marvel at how many holes I can dig in a day. And it feels so much better. So much better that my hair is greying and gravity is having its way and this guy still thinks I'm the hottest thing on earth. I am so delighted to hear you have one of those, too. xo
I really needed this! Approaching our twenty year anniversary and in the middle of our lowest low yet. Losing hope that this wave will pass. Wondering if it’s healthier for the family to just let go…I am now reminded that there’s still more things I can try to break the slump! Thank you! It helps to know that these are normal issues that all marriages face. I know it in my heart but still manage to forget sometimes…
Met in high school at 17 , had our first daughter at 19 , married at 22 , we are now both 31 , with 2 more small daughters. So married for 9 years , together for 14yrs . And oh the ebb and flows!
We are blessed that most of our relationship has mostly flowed. We were best friends first so our connection was always deep and profound . But we also practically grew up together and as we’ve had children, cracks became apparent within our own upbringing, we’ve had to (and still are) reparenting ourselves individually but side by side.
Definitely a few discussions there over the last few years about separation, because yes , having small children, the up and downs of hormones after births, and us feeling our needs not met etc make everything so so hard. But here we are still committed.
I am a free spirited woman , and as I grow and unlock parts of myself , being vulnerable, sometimes messy , sometimes nasty, he has been there as nothing but a rock , and so steadfast.
Working on our sexual connection, mostly on my part because there is a lot of inner healing for me there to do , and being vulnerable is definitely not easy for me. Affection is his need and being heard is mine , so as you can see it can become a viscous cycle if we become stubborn.
Learning that kindness is absolutely key , no matter what raging fire might be burning inside for that small moment, that eventually passes.
Our girls keep us humble, they are watching, as all children do.
They’re is such a playful air that he’s kept about himself, childlike , which I admire, because sometimes I can be too serious, being a mother and all. And I’m learning to find the joy in everyday again , as I once did, when we first connected.
Absolutely beautiful, Elodie. Thank you for letting us peek into your window. Three daughters is as special as it can be. You are young with so much happening both as parents and unpacking what was given to you and might just not serve you anymore. We were young with children, too and I remember trying to figure out who I even was outside of who the world told me I was. It felt pretty stormy sometimes. In many ways, my husband and I feel like we grew into our authentic selves as adults. There's so much stuff layered on us that I think we have to wade through and decide what is worth keeping and what you want to do differently. I'm glad you're still together. It's worth fighting for. Big hugs to you.
It took me a while to learn, and still doesn't always come naturally. But I think my marriage turned a corner when I began to truly believe that my husband really did say what he meant, not more and not less. And from there, I started to do the same. I let go a lot of a huge weight of resentment and frustration that resulted from my expectations for my partner to intuit or inherently understand my needs and desires that I didn't communicate. For his part, he's had to learn how to be more sensitive with words, sometimes. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and know when not to" has gotten us really far.
That is such an excellent point. I did that in the beginning of our marriage, too. I was always trying to figure out the nuance and deeper meaning of something before I realized we just had very different ways of thinking and communicating. It's nice to have that balance, different, but both valuable.
For us, we are in a very tumultuous and stressful period in our marriage. Not necessarily internally, but absolutely externally. Including the cutting out of betraying family members, forging our own unique path, and moving across the country.
What I've realized is that our love is so strong. Sure, we're incredibly irritated with eachother, and fight more than I'd like right now (stress is a bitch), but at the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather fall asleep or wake up next to.
The tidbit of wisdom I can offer at the beginning of year 7 of marriage is... just keep going. Sometimes everything around you will get worse and not better, but if you choose to keep going together your love will deepen, your joy will grow, and you will evolve.
Thank you, Tara, for inviting us to write this stuff down. It's good to see it "on paper".
I'm sorry you're in one of those tumultuous times in your marriage, Bethany. We have had some serious and awful falling out(s) with family members and I don't wish that on anyone. We, too, have gone through those dark times and now, looking back, I am so grateful we chose to forge our own path, just as you are. That you can see this as something you will get through is so hopeful. It would be great to give you a big hug.
I see the light, literally and figuratively, today. It's sunny in the pacific north west for the first time in about a week (including what felt like a monsoon last night). This morning I'm going outside to soak up the sun, pray, and enjoy life before the business of the world consumes me.
Also, we've gotten our things into our new house over the weekend, which was a HUGE source of stress. Now to cull the collections of all the things because I do not want to move so many boxes next time.
Bullseye. Thanks, Tara. So refreshing to hear my own thoughts about this from another happily married woman!! I might add poetry to the list of daily worship. :)
My man and I have been together for seven years and still write poetry to each other. Here's one:
Ahhhhh!!!!! "My galvanized wolf tiger!" I love your poem and I love your love! Thank you for sharing this, Amilina. I am so overjoyed that you have such a man to write such a poem about.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I have found that the things people don’t talk about when it comes to marriage, especially in the beginning, is that there may be a mourning period of your single life. Being married changes so many aspects of your life, your goals change, your priorities shift, you grow up in ways you hadn’t before. My husband and I constantly appreciate the small things and say thank you for things like doing the dishes, picking up socks, etc. We also create plans and goals together. I live in Chicago and so many of my married friends talk about how they live separate lives from their partners and I couldn’t imagine that. My husband and I spend time every evening talking about things we want to work on and implementing it. We haven’t always had similar schedules so I changed my work to ensure we have weekends together to do projects because I value that time together more than work. We prioritize our connection with each other constantly and are very good at talking about things in the moment. We are also brutally honest with one another and don’t create expectations in our head that aren’t verbalized to the other person.
Those are all such wonderful ways of being. What a kindness to extend to your spouse - the prioritizing of your time (lives) together and doing what it takes to make sure that happens. So many people like to claim themselves victims of circumstance, but you are showing your dedication to what's most important to you both. I think that means everything in a relationship.
I agree with your list and think it’s very all inclusive. Ours may be a little bit different but similar. Treat each other kindly always. Never a crossword. The two of you against the world always. Love each other and appreciate each other’s bodies (even when old).
Say sorry and forgive frequently. Practice of faith together. Raise children as a unit. Recognized traditional female and male roles (this was hard for me as a woman raised in the 1970s)
Love is a promise, a commitment and not a feeling.
Have fun together.
I also love all the other comments. This is really an wonderful group of people.
I agree, it is a wonderful group of people. I love what you shared, and agree with every last bit. I think, also being a woman raised in the '70s by a single mom with much of the feminist rhetoric coming my way from all angles, that those ideologies were the most destructive to disentangle from. It was all so engrained. And I imagine it has all gotten worse in the age of "toxic masculinity" and "women are god" mentality.
Oh, and "never a cross word". Yes. No name calling, no demeaning, no belittling. Ever. Respect and admiration is paramount in love. Love it all, Barbara.
It can be tempting to cast aside rhetoric of the feminist movements that came before us/around us. I recognize it as an overcorrection, but a necessary one. We still live amongst deeply ingrained misogyny in both our histories and modern society, but I am grateful that we also live in a time of greater latitude for anyone to lean into their individual strengths and gifts, especially those that align with "traditional" roles, and bring those to their relationships. We are lucky to be able choose which pressures, rhetoric, and messaging we allow to impact us, rather than compelled towards a way of thinking. There is nothing wrong with looking at a perspective and saying "no thanks, I don't see myself or my family/relationships/etc. reflected in that," and to have thoughtful discussions about that. But I did wince just now at the placement of toxic masculinity in quotes, as if it wasn't very real and impactful.
All very true. I appreciate that perspective. "Toxic masculinity" is one of those terrible labels put on men to try to diminish their expression of themselves in seemingly traditional roles. There's some wonderful work out there by minds much more illuminated than mine on how this is tragically affecting young boys. There is nothing toxic about masculinity, it is beautiful and to be celebrated just as femininity is. To marry "toxic" to "masculinity" is just another way to dilute the significance of strong men in our society.
A month late, but better late than never, eh? First, lots of wonderful advice in this comment board here, and it warms my heart to see the bevy of couples in love and learning to choose love every day! But I want to say I do agree with your post, Kay, and your ultimate assessment, especially the last line. And I think it's definitely one big misunderstanding going on. Some read "toxic masculinity" and think others are calling masculinity inherently toxic. I never took it that way, and I don't think that's what people mean when they say that phrase. Toxic is just the adjective here, and there are forms of "masculinity" that *are* toxic, and people are calling that out so it can be removed from boys' expectations and men's teachings about themselves to the betterment of both sexes. Healthy, real masculinity...strength, protectiveness, even righteous anger and defensiveness for loved ones and worthy causes...love it. Toxic masculinity...suppression of emotions (to be taken out so often on women), toxic social pressure to be promiscuous or show displays of violence to show their manhood...horrible mess that needs to go.
Not long after my husband and I met 20 years ago, we were walking in London in the early hours of the morning and were about to walk past a homeless man who was screaming at everyone walking by. I braced myself, but as we drew closer, he stopped. He stepped in front of us, eyes focused and said "I see you both. You will each support the other. You will support him and then he will support you." We'd been together all of two weeks. And without fail, that has been the rhythm of our 17 years of marriage. I lose my footing and my husband knows deeply what I'm unable to offer myself and I am able to offer the same to him. I grow and evolve and jump readily down rabbit holes of thoughts and ideas and he is supportive without fail. He may not always understand but he always listens. And I am committed to offering the same to him. We have no expectation of sameness, just the knowledge that there will always be acceptance and openness.
We home educate our two girls, and my husband works from home and it can be easy in the chaos to see but not deeply feel those quiet expressions of love and respect that we offer each other. It is each day committing afresh to this offering and acknowledgement. A freshly baked cake ready for a snack, the perfectly timed hug, cups of steaming tea waiting when you get out of bed, full body hugs before sleep always, dancing badly together, a bottle of wine and a playlist of new music you've found for each other, working side by side, a sorry, the feeling that a rainbow or a sunset or a flock of black cockatoos is something to share. And talking - always, always carving time for talking.
Thank you Tara and everyone for the beautiful reminder that the small and thoughtful is often where it's at....
This was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing parts of your marriage with us, Ren. "We have no expectation of sameness, just the knowledge that there will always be acceptance and openness." Perfectly said and so integral to growth and intimacy.
we're 4 years over here (and almost a half) and we're in the midst of a "rough patch." really, its nothing more than the insanity of a hugely busy season, but those have their own difficulties, as im sure you know. the man is exhausted, has 6 day workweeks, long laborious days, and i am just as needy as ever, so it hasnt been easy. reading these reminds me that i should extend grace, and be ever-patient (especially when its hard to).
we were friends first, so i think that definitely helps us. he married his best friend, i married one of my closest. we like each other in addition to the love, and genuinely enjoy each others company. we do many many things that ultimately help us
-i love going on drives with him, and long drives are when we often have good long talks. road trips with him are some of the best times ive ever had
-we are almost always holding hands, or at least touching in some way. hand on a thigh, elbows touching, heads leaning together, something
-appreciation. i try to notice and mention that i appreciate little (and big) things he does (thank you for washing the dishes even though youve had a long day), and he does the same for me. it makes me feel so seen and appreciated.
-i try to care for him well. i try to pack food most days, and i put it in the exact same spot in the fridge. i try to remember to set a tumbler out for coffee. when we had a coffee machine, i would set the timer the night before. i gauge when to start dinner by when he lets me know he's on his way home
-us over all. yes, yes, yes, yes. i support him with all my being, and he has my back like no other.
i have argued with his dad more than a few times (with good reason), and not once did he try to stop me or shush me.
-he has told me that he is able to do as much as he does because of my support. i am his support system central, and i take the job seriously. he supports me in turn, and has urged me out of my comfort zone multiple times (always to my chagrin, always to my eventual delight)
-i follow his leadership (easy to do as a type B), and if it ever came to it, he would have the last say and make the final decision. if he decided tomorrow that we should pack up and move across the world, i would start packing.
-i treat each of his new ideas like its The Best Idea, because to me, it is. i am his biggest cheerleader
-i pray for him, for wisdom and understanding in making decisions and leading
-we don't fight. we don't yell. we rarely argue. we discuss when we can, even if it means tears. we are open and honest when feelings are hurt
-we love to be playful. i will sing songs at him, and he will make fun of songs to me
-we grind on each other if either of us dares to bend over, for any reason
-bum pats, of course
-long hugs, lingering kisses
the list goes on and on and on, but ultimately,
i adore him and he's crazy about me
we're on each others team
he is mine and i am his.
thank you, tara, for this discussion board. i have a renewed desire to care for my guy well, and make his life easier in any way i can. especially in this season.
Oh, Pea, this was just so delightful to read. I had a huge smile on my face the whole time. You sound so much like younger us, it almost felt reminiscent. I am so glad you feel a renewed zeal to inject some extra sweetness into your lives. And the grinding every time someone bends over? I might be in a walker one day.. would it stop then? Doubtful.
i'm so happy to provide you with a reminiscence! i've learned i love to be reminded of all the reasons i love my guy, so its an absolute joy when i can do the same for someone else.
the mental image of a lady in a walker grinding on her equally frail man is incredibly amusing.
ive checked on this thread maybe twice since i posted, and others have added their own comments. they are all so very lovely, i just read them and almost cry with joy. it makes me want to print this whole conversation and squirrel it away.
I love long drives together too. And I think the physical connection of a hand on thigh, etc - energy sharing plus love is fantastic. Good job. You are going to make it through this little rough patch! :)
marriage, something I never thought I ever wanted and now I’m heading into my tenth year of marriage with the man I’ve been with for 15 (ish) years, despite my best efforts to fight the inevitable. We now have two children and have been happily (for the most part) married for almost ten years. And yes it’s work, I think not only is it work to stay together and come together, but if forces you to constantly work on yourself. Small arguments, disagreements or simple actions really make you take a look at yourself and grow. I am a hugely different person now than I was ten years ago. I am softer, more giving and more attentive. I show my love with actions, making food, cleaning, making more food, laundry, just generally taking care of my man and little babes, all that shit that everyone thinks is so passé! But these are the things that give me joy now, things old me would have thought so lame, but truthfully giving to my family is the most rewarding job I’ve ever done. And my man shows his love with words, affection, touch, the cat calls, the ass grab, the “come fuck me eyes”!! He can’t leave me alone and after so many years together, it makes me feel so lucky and wanted and what more could a gal ask for!
Marriage is such a huge learning process and everyday we learn from one another. I always have to remind myself that just because he didn’t pick up his socks doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, it just doesn’t bother him 🤣
I think we keep our connectedness by always making time for one another, talking about our dreams together and apart, playing cards, snuggling up on the couch, having a tequila by the fire, hot showers with each other and just genuinely enjoying each other as not only a lover, or a soulmate but most importantly a best friend.
Oh I love this! Socks are apparently invisible objects to my sons and husband too!! If only I had a quarter for every sock picked up... And beautiful imagery. Kudos to you!
Young couple here, reading these amazing comments! Having this discussion thread was such a good idea. Thank you all!
I have been with my man for eight years, and we are at a breaking point. The past year has been the hardest yet. I wake up many mornings feeling sick to my stomach. It is time to bite the bullet and either commit and get married, or go our separate ways. Both options make me feel panic and fear. So much easier to just go on as is. But we can't afford that any longer... I turn 30 this year.
As an aside, I feel this is an appropriate place to ask how some of you handle your significant other not aligning with your health beliefs and lifestyle. It is so discouraging and exhausting when every attempt (i.e. turning the WiFi off when not using it) is met with a battle instead of agreement, and hard work activities (like borrowing my dads old meat grinder to make liverwurst from scratch) is seen as an enormous waste of time instead of admirable. It is especially hard because I feel this is the main thing of value I bring to the relationship.. Except that he doesn't see it as valuable. And then I feel bad that he does more of the household work, and so things are 'uneven.' And I can't help but think that there is someone out there that would value it.
Hi Beth, I'm a big believer in listening to what my body/heart are telling me. Do you wake up feeling sick to your stomach because you feel misaligned with your current situation? Can you not afford going on as it is because you want children and therefore want that commitment of marriage? Are you staying with him because it's been eight years in or because you can't wait for the next eight years?
It would be disheartening to not have the things you feel you bring into the relationship met with some kind of appreciation or to be valued. It's hard to know dynamics over a written comments, but I wonder if there's a reciprocity of respecting and valuing each other's contributions and gifts? Is there a spirit of gratitude between you both?
It comes down to respect. Like a previous comment: he doesn’t understand why there is a placenta in the freezer, but he knows it’s important to her and that’s all that matters. We don’t have to agree with each, but we must always respect each other. My hubby is a landscaper. He often leaves early to go spray round up on commercial properties. I know that this is just part of his job (sadly), but he knows how I feel about glyphosate and that it will NEVER be sprayed on my property! Ever! Haha. And he respects that, even though it means that we spend a lot of time pulling weeds on our 5 acres!
Also, I refuse to feel guilt. Yes, sometimes I do not live up to my own expectations, but I don’t allow the guilt to eat at me. It will not always be 100% from each of us, but that’s the whole point. He lifts me up when I’m falling behind and vice versa. We don’t keep score on how many times that is required.
Hey, Beth! I’m so inspired that you sought advice from all of these wisdom bearing souls! I’m taking notes on all of it. When you stated, “It is time to bite the bullet and either commit and get married, or go our separate ways,” I wonder if you are limiting your options and I’m questioning where you are getting these ideas from? You’ve been together for 8 years so you are clearly committed. Commitment without vows (and I don’t mean marriage), makes the relationship at times feel less important/serious, so maybe on your anniversary every year do review of the last year and a renewal to giving it another year with each other. Taking it year by year can take the pressure off!
One thing that was very helpful for me is that I choose to view my partner as my friend first. I allowed way more grace and less judgment for my friends than I did for my partner and shifting that 8 years ago allowed me to view him as an individual going through a life on his own, with his own tastes and dislikes. I love watching him live his life. It’s him I am attracted to and allowing him to just be makes me love him more deeply each day. I hear what the other women are saying about respect but letting go of the expectations on his life was so helpful to me! Please reach out if you ever want to talk more deeply about this.
Yes, this is a tough one. I love what Amanda said about respect. My husband travels to Japan and there was a time during the covid thing that he thought about the vaccine, which I was wildly, passionately against. It was super hard for me to slow down and look at it from his perspective of, "I have to feed the family and if it's necessary I will do it". Which is admirable in its own right. Luckily we didn't have to do it- But I guess I would add that selfishness is toxic in a relationship. It ruins trust because if you can't trust that the other person is looking out for your best interest then it's very hard to trust them or know that there is not manipulation happening. Everyone is broken in some way. But if there is kindness, without force or manipulation, hopefully things can work out even if you see things differently.
Married almost two years here. Did it later in life after both of us had lived alone for quite some time. For me at least, having never lived with anyone after moving out of my parents house after college and loved living alone, it was an adjustment! Love - deep, long lasting, through it all love - is a daily choice. Some days it’s an easier one than others but it’s a choice you have to view as valuable to you.
I also hate the advice everyone gives of don’t go to bed angry. I know that personally I need to think things over after an argument, self examine and use some introspection to really parse out my own feelings about why I’m upset. Sometimes sleeping on it is the best thing I can do to give myself perspective and then come to my husband genuinely with an apology/compromise/concession.
Lastly, it’s not always 50/50. Some days one person needs 60 and can only give 40. We all have those times and offering your spouse that love and support is a huge part of what builds the depth of trust and companionship between you
These are all great insights, thank you for sharing them. I've always needed a bit of time to untangle from contentious exchanges too. It's a fine line to spend that time self-reflection and thinking about things vs. stewing in my fumes. I don't do as much stewing anymore and even if I'm mad, I never want my husband to feel cut off from my heart. My love is unconditional, even when I'm pissed.
Oh such a lovely point of view! I’ve been married for 7 years and with my husband since I was 16, exclusively. So together with him half of my life. 🤯 just realized this ha! We have one son who’s 2.5. What a wild journey for us to grow up together, and independently and indeed change from children into adults. It’s presented many challenges. It’s not always pretty and has been quite messy at times (we’ve endured several miscarriages and years to conceive, both of us being in that generation of absolutely shitty foundations, every jab under the sun and destroyed health). Then there was me in my oh so brainwashed and feminist liberal ways. Quite literally beating him down with my vicious words for a very long time.
Having my son and birthing him in my power broke me open in all the ways having children should and made me shift my reality and heal my own wounds. Realize the role I play in my husbands life and my own and take accountability. Fix it and do better so my son knows and receives better.
For us the biggest thing is we always want to choose each other. We have laid the foundation and know it’s not all sparks but actively wanting to do better for ourselves and each other. To show up the best we can. And oh forgiveness is massive. It takes time and dedication to unlearn and truly forgive. Leaving space for new growth and figuring out new patterns together has actually been a saving grace. We’ve walked so much alone in the past, as growing “independently”, and I feel we’re at the place now where we are growing together. It’s quite marvelous to see how much better our communication is now. How when you lay it all out there is no hiding any part of ourselves and it all gets tended to.
We trust each other deeply. We realize we’re human and constantly working on being the best version of ourselves but also know we will falter and have some shitty moments and old patterns revive. Holding each other and ourselves accountable is huge.
We’re currently working on rekindling our intimate life. My libido was shot after my son was born and I needed to work through many many years of trauma. It’s funny how women a lot of the time (including myself at one time) love to blame men for their lack of excitement in intimacy. Reality when we show up for ourselves and take ownership for ourselves and our pleasure WOW how so much changes.
Anyway thank you for continuing this conversation it’s really helpful to listen and learn from others ❤️
You know, I am absolutely loving reading all of these amazing comments. I wish I could just gather everyone up around a fire and talk into the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for sharing these wonderful insights, Alyssa. All of these comments make me feel so hopeful, I hope they do for others as well. I'm so glad you brought up forgiveness. That's a huge one. I grew up with blame and anger being the appropriate response to wrongs. To forgive felt like I was weakening my position of righteousness. If I was right, I should be able to stew in that glory, right?! But there's a big price to that. A big price to being more attracted to rightness than closeness. Not for me much anymore. Congratulation on the birth of your son and into your own power xo
As a newly married couple (just a little over a year) my husband and I are often told that we are just in the honeymoon phase still and things will get hard soon, don't you worry, and THEN we will know how hard marriage is for all who attempt it. But we still like *and* love each other, no matter what the unhappily married club has to say, and it's lovely to read others advice to take to heart.
Congratulations, Molly the Newlywed :) Yes, things will get hard and with hard comes great rewards, more intimacy, a closeness the two of you will forge with every hurdle scaled. Commitment first and foremost. Man, why would people say such things to a newlywed couple? Sourpusses.
My husband and I have been married 21 years next month. Second marriage for both of us. People all told us we were ‘just in the honeymoon phase’. We still hold hands, we still laugh, he’s the most amazing supporter and just loves me to pieces. I don’t always understand but I feel the same way about him. People still stop us and ask if we’re married. We’ve even had people respond when we say yes, “to each other?” So many people are unhappy. Makes me so sad. Sure, lots of bumps along the way: health issues, daughter with cancer, another daughter with big health issues, poor parenting of each of us in certain areas etc. If necessary, along the way, find a good counselor. We do regular ‘checkups’ to make sure we’re doing well and to help us work through some of the areas we may get stuck in. You can do it! It’s a commitment!
Where do I begin! First, I’m not married in the eyes of the state to my life partner. We’ve been together for ten years and legal marriage isn’t something we are for or against. My mother has been with my stepfather since 1986 but didn’t marry until the year 1999. My partner’s parents have been married for over 50 years. All of that gives us a unique perspective on love, commitment, and marriage. That being said, I will share some things that have worked for the success in our relationship!
1. Allow each other to just be. I fell in love with him by watching him live. Why would I want to change that? Why would I constantly critique his every decision about his life? He is a human having his own experience in life and rather than judge him, I inquire. I still love getting to know him; Seeing him live and breathe. He feels the same way about me. We are two people together, not one.
2. We are friends. Romance can be like the weather so when things dry up, we always have our friendship to keep things cool, fun, and balanced. Also, friendship helps us when we are not in the best of moments as a human being.
3. It doesn’t matter how one person sweeps or does the dishes. It matters that it gets done. I don’t get upset with my friends about not washing a dish at my house so why would I get upset with my partner, the love of my life, about this? We learned this by having a roommate when we first lived together. We were so nice when she didn’t do something related to household duties but with each other, we were cutting and critical. Having her live with us taught us how to treat one another gently with respect and kindness.
4. Every relationship needs a CEO, COO, and CFO with the ability to move in between positions. He is the CEO who makes decisions whereas I, the COO, know more about daily operations like buying groceries and supplies. When he’s not around, I ask myself what would be his preference and proceed with that in mind. Sometimes it comes down to what I think is best in the moment but for the most part, I present what we need to him and he pulls the trigger on what we do. This has been a wonderful surrender in femininity for me! I find I actually have more freedom and time to myself by letting him make many decisions.
5. Your lover is not out to get you! You are not competing with one another. No one wins. This is principle for us!
6. Treat finances like a business and money is always “our money.” A reality tv show (of all things) helped us to overhaul this in our financial relationship. We have meetings about money regularly. We create financial goals together. As a result we eliminated debt and created savings.
7. Seek help when needed. Use your resources! We went to couple’s therapy to help strengthen our relationship last year. We weren’t on the brink of ending or anything but 2020 sent us! Relationships are a huge investment of our energy so why wouldn’t we do everything we can to operate like a finely tuned vehicle?! That’s how we viewed therapy, as a maintenance check and we are so grateful that we sought that maintenance. Yes, the marriage/partnership is just you two but just like these blog comments or how our married friends teach us things by observing their relationship, it makes no sense not to seek help and counsel from others. We are not in this alone. Every person who stood with you on your wedding day made the commitment too so you don’t necessarily need a therapist either. That being said…
8. We define us! Society has a lot to say about what legitimizes a relationship. There are steps folk are supposed to take to be legitimate in the eyes of others that just don’t work for us. We love each other uniquely. We have our own rhythm and standards that work for us.
I’m sure I could go on but that’s more than sufficient! So wonderful to participate in this and I look forward to applying some of the wonderful working ideas from others in this thread. Thanks for the opportunity to share, Tara!
These are excellent points, Tracie. Thank you so much for sharing them. I feel like I should print out these amazing comments and distribute them to young people at universities or something. I'm so glad you brought up the finances, too. That's a big one and I think it's one that breaks a lot of couples from the sheer stress of mismanagement. And the points about the kindness extended to a roommate that wasn't extended to each other is so common isn't it? I've been around couples who snarl at each other and then act sweet as pie with others who have far less significance in their lives. Why do we do that? Save the worst of ourselves for our loves? It should be the opposite and something I strive for every day. But I love it all and I'm so glad you shared. :)
Haha, when we’re all in love and discussing building a life together, money is so far removed from the conversation when it has be in the top ten topics on the table! It’s usually something addressed after the vows and what a disservice that is! Some couple’s survive financial mismanagement and others are eaten alive by it. The show we watched was called, “Life or Debt” and it was a great kickstarter for our financial overhaul. We established a financial relationship together.
It was curious thing to observe in myself how, at times, I treated the person I care most about in the world worse than others in my life or even strangers. I think I had these expectations, some I’m not sure can be aptly described, that other people can be imperfect but not him. “You should know better. How could you not know….(because women think men are mind readers)? You have to give me what I want all the time or be what I want you to be all time. You can’t wrong me.” I’m not really sure if any of that describes it. I do know that women at times can be worse than men about whatever that phenomenon is. I think it’s what some call nagging. In a strange way I see it as mothering; that perhaps we sometimes step into a mothering mode of curbing behavior because that is what we learned love is. I didn’t want to be my lover’s mother. I can’t say that I ever nailed it down to a full understanding but I know I didn’t want that. I just knew it was something I no longer wanted to experience.
Yes to distribution to the young folk 😂. I will be bookmarking this page! That way I can reference it for myself and others. Thanks for holding a space for this!
This is such a great comment. Allowing each other to just be is key. I fell in love with and chose my partner so I will remind myself of that for the rest of our lives and try not to nag him or try to change him.
Lots of great points in here, but the financial one is something I need to work on!
Reading this post and all of the comments is beautiful as it shows real love and dedication that it takes to keep a relationship going after the beginning phases.
My man and I are celebrating 9 years together this summer. We joined forced when he was 16 and I, 15. We are each other's first everything and navigated the ups and downs of a teenage relationship and then through college, changes, family tragedies, moves, and are now finally living together in a new city.
After the initial electricity wears off, you must make the decision to choose your partner every day.
As you get caught up in the ebbs and flows of everyday life and work, it's the little things like remembering to make their favorite meal or coffee or helping with tasks though the day. For me it's remembering to always say thank you and not the get upset over little stupid things, as I like everything done in a certain way.
One thing we never forget is to say I love you. Any time we are feeling it. Even if that was 5 seconds ago.
Hoping to join the happily married club soon :) maybe the question will pop on our 10 yr anniversary ❤️
Beautiful, Giovanna. Thank you for sharing that with us. Please do report back should a certain question be popped! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you for this Tara! I hope to add my own thoughts when I have a second! I read through all the comments with my morning coffee this morning. Then ran and surprised my hubby in the shower 😉 it will be a good day 😊
I love this and I’m so excited to read all the wisdom shared here. We’re 3.5 years and 2 kids in and WHEW marriage is hard 😂 especially the new parents stage. But at the same time, it is amazing and beautiful and I cannot imagine life without my husband, and I know that we’ve got something special - especially in today’s culture.
It is hard! Parenting little ones is hard, too! So many wonderful comments here. I need to get outside and do chores but I keep thinking, just one more, just one more... :)
My husband and I have been together almost 19 years, we met in college and have evolved so much
With 3 little kids we have developed strong communication that helps us navigate day to day more smoothly - like a weekly coffee morning talking about logistics of the week/month, even dividing things in terms of who will take on what tasks and chores depending on who’s wheelhouse it’s in or who has the capacity, a bi monthly date night is worth the cost of any sitter (sometimes we just get takeout and sit at the top of a hiking trail)
Above all I think a willingness to be open and ask for what we want and need. Definitely what you said about listening and not being defensive - wow that was a big one for me
I love these points, Kristen. I think the listening and not being defensive is big for all of us. It's so nice that you guys make dedicated time for each other. If we don't prioritize our relationships, what message are we sending? Thank you for sharing here.
Hi Tara! Thank you for your beautiful words! Always so inspiring, in every way!
My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, together for 3 years. We have been blessed with a beautiful 8 month old baby boy. And from previous relationships, we have 2 wonderful boys (10 and 13) and a sweet 14 year old girl. We are new at marriage but we are well versed in what doesn’t work in a relationship! We have both learned the hard way and God brought my husband into my life (literally He did! I had been praying for him for years, and my husband literally walked right into my life! (But that’s a story for another time!)). Our marriage has been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and experienced. We have worked so hard for the connection and intimacy we have and we are constantly challenged by parenting kids that only half belong to us. But I can say we try to always practice gratitude and praise for each other and our children, we communicate constantly. I am used to being the quiet one who just takes it and sucks it up but with him I have always practised speaking up whenever something doesn’t sit right. And he is so receptive. He is my safe place, my protector, my leader and my lover. He cherishes me, respects me and listens to what I have to say. Every vulnerability I have shown him has always been met with such love and acceptance. He has his flaws too and I try to be as kind as he is to me. I know we’re still newly weds but I think that because we have been so hurt and wounded before it has kept us focused on our marriage and each other, and we treat it with the importance it should be treated with. Now it is clear to both of us just how important commitment and marriage are. It’s us, together. Together we are strong.
Thank you again for your beautiful words, constant authenticity and inspiration!
Dear Françoise, I just loved reading this. It brought me such joy to hear that you have found someone to walk through life with. I was just answering another comment above about what you so aptly illustrated - sometimes we don't have good examples of what we want, but we know what we don't want. That was the way for Troy and I. We would have never believed that a relationship like ours was in the cards for either of us. We both came from some tumultuous relationships and didn't see the type of marriage we wanted in anyone else. Maybe, that's enough in the beginning - to just know what you won't accept. Anyway, congratulations on the newest little bundle. What joy!
A post celebrating marriage, what joy! For us it is a simple rule of thumb. I never want to see a look of hurt on my man's face and he feels the same about me. And the other side of that, we delight in delighting each other. We keep humor in our relationship, always. We all make mistakes or do silly things but we don't take ourselves so seriously that we can't laugh about it. We tease, joke and play. Chores around the homestead go much easier when you allow a little play. And yes, pats on the bum, flirtatious glances, a timeout for hugs and kisses. But most important? We are friends....lifelong friends that also enjoy a good roll in the hay. 🥰
Love this, Bonnie! How wonderful and sweet and playful! What a thing to have your dearest friend so close to you always. I'm so happy for you both. Thank you for sharing this!
We've been married 8 years and it seems short and long. Our dating years and first few years were incredibly hard and painful in many areas. I came from a somewhat dysfunctional home and also had serial trauma. It took years of love and patience on his part and going to therapy together to really resolve that. Now we connect sexually in ways i never dreamt possible and I'm only starting to understand how important it is.
It wasn't long after we were married before I realized I could not use him to make me look good or try to manipulate him into the type of person I wanted. Thankfully I was able to understand the deeper desire that was driving that and work through that.
I can't imagine being married to anyone else and i miss him everyday while he's at work.
Beautiful insights, Louella. It's been so wonderful for me to read so many of these comments and to realize how important introspection and self-reflection are to harmony and growth in marriage. Your story is beautiful and I am sure your lives together will continue to bloom in ways you don't even know about yet.
As it should. Thank you for sharing this. Kind of reminded me of my grandparents. My grandpa would chase my grandma around the house and pinch her bum and always be talking about how gorgeous she was and my grandma would feign horror and call him names. She died three months after he did. It was here together or both gone together. I miss them.
7 years married and 3 children under 5. He is very good at most of the above and me less so but I'm working on being less judgmental and on my libidio! But through that self work and healing it's becoming more difficult for me to share with him. I guess you could say I am waking up to the true reality and he is not. He sees the change I have gone through and is glad my health is in a better state but doesn't understand some of what I'm saying, and I appreciate my world view has fundamental shifted. I'd love some guidance for any couples whom may have gone through this. 💓
Could you be more specific, Alexandra? In general, there are many times in a relationship where one partner changes, outpaces another in different areas, evolves into ways of being that the other doesn't. That's continuous if we're continuously growing. I don't think our partners need to think like we do or be interested in the things we are if they still support and encourage us.
He supports me when it comes to changes in my own lifestyle but not fully when it comes to those about our children. An example of difficult discussion we have is whether to give the jab to our twins when they turn five. We both got it 3x but I since have become aware of much you have written about in the past. If I express my concerns he finds them irrational. "How could it be bad it's tested and proven safe." He trusts authority, it's very much part of his identity, where I have been skeptical, especially of western medicine, most of my life. My skepticism developed while watching my mother slowly die from MS, she was even beyond western interventions at that time, not given immune modulating drugs. So he sees why I could feel that way but sees these as unhealthy and irrational thoughts and I do/have had anxiety since we met. At the same time we have dreamt of living off the land we live on in MB and we agree in many ways how we want to live. At least in theory, I have started to put that in practice more than he. Anyways, at this point we agreed no jab on their 5th bday, our understanding of that decision is based on different premises in some respects. I hope I made some sense. It's a turbulent time in the greater world and my inner.
I hesitate to speak to this because I hardly feel like I qualify.
My husband and I have been married 8 years and we've had 2 major (and many smaller) things to work through.
The first was church stuff which I would question why and how our church did things and he felt that was disrespectful. This put a real damper on our early years.
The 2nd thing was covid. I too was raised to be somewhat more skeptical of western medicine while he would blindly have trusted everything.
In both those instances I said things to him and confronted him in ways I later regretted.
Finally I learned to let it all go. I shared my feelings and thoughts with him and tried to come from a position of not being judgemental but simply letting him know this is how I feel. Then I had to let it go!
I learned to let it go and trust that God had a greater plan and that real truth would eventually be shown.
In the covid case, he eventually looked at some of the articles and videos I was looking at and saw the truth for himself.
Oh dear I don't know if this is helpful at all! It sounds like I'm saying sit back and lie flat like a doormat and that is not at all what I mean! I think you do need to let him know how you feel.
I am also coming from a traditional roles type of setting
I am so glad you did speak on this. It is so good to know other couples have made it through big transitions. This morning I up brought making time to discuss our diet. At first he was resistant and a little mean. But after he came back and apologized and is on board to having a discussion and developing a plan to remove processed foods. While a part of me wants him to allow me to take the lead on this, I should also be grateful that he wants a say and try to understand what I have come to understand around nutrient dense foods.
He even told me that he took the kids to the grocery store last night, while I was on the road for the day, and when they asked for bread and chips he said no! It made our middle daughter even cry but he did not give in. Hearing this made me so proud and happy. He really is so very dedicated to me and I him, and is why I only want the best food for him and my family.
It sounds like I need to have a more patience with him (not my strong suit) and give him time, baby steps. He does believe in a growth mindset and a healthy lifestyle the question is what does that look like. The food industry really have us wrapped around their little finger. Breaking free from that is not easy but I am starting to see the way, and I have trust that he will follow, maybe not as quickly as I'd like. Patience and Time. Thank you all for your input. I am looking forward to getting to know you all. 🙏❤️
Thanks for sharing, Alexandra. I’ve been on differing sides with my partner when it came to decisions about food and nutrition. After some time, I learned that men have to arrive at these things on their own and as their women we lead through inspiration! Or they hear it from another man…that also works 🙄😂🤷🏾♀️🙏🏾. Time will also do it’s job. I do hope you continue to move through these spaces with the grace and patience!
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is clear that patience, grace, love and time are more important than ever, but all things I struggle with. Yay, for self-growth, I am here for it.
12 years together, 3 kids under 8 and an intercontinental move under our belts now too. I have always found our growth isn't synchronised, that one or the other will move through intense periods of growth without the other, but it's always happened on a bedrock of respect, an appreciation of where we have come from and what it took for our relationship to actually survive what is been through, and the essence of our world outlook has stayed the course, even though its evolved considerably since we first met.
These are so lovely to read. Im just sitting in a bath enjoying them. I will add my own comment, bit for now i like just reading the ones that are there
32 years, Modesta! That is absolutely wonderful! Learning how to quarrel without bad feelings is an excellent, and difficult, skill. I've learned that teasing my husband with a smile about things that drive me a little nutty has a much better effect than nagging like a sourpuss. :)
I read all of the comments here so far. Thank you all for sharing. I am in a long term relationship that is not supporting me or filling my cup. I have spoken my needs many many times but I am not heard. My friend recently gifted me a houseplant. I cohabitated with the new plant for a couple days before my friend told me the name of the plant. The plant is called Mother of Thousands. This name landed like a freight train in my lap because I suddenly realized that I am in fact a Mother of Thousands. I mother everything and everyone. I am totally depleted, malnourished on every level, and exhausted. I am neglected in my relationship. I am not cherished or nurtured. Thank you for shedding your lights on all the shadowy corners that we tend to try and overlook in an effort to continue within our comfortable places in relationships that do not fill our cups.
Like some others here, I knew what I didn’t want. I came with a ton of baggage from my previous, abusive relationship with my kids dad. It took me years of settling in to my love with the amazing human I’m with now to really unpack that previous relationship and realize that it wasn’t all my fault and that I am not crazy.
I was very fresh out of that relationship when we met, and he had been single and searching for two years. He says he manifested me. When we met, we hung on tight, even though it was so hard with kids from previous marriages and my rather vile ex. We just knew we were for each other.
I could go on forever about him. He seems to take his place in the relationship so naturally and effortlessly, not just in his strong, masculine role but also in his softness and openness to his feminine side. He’s shockingly healthy emotionally and it’s just lovely.
He supports me with his steadiness, his leadership, his labour to provide for our family.
He starts my car and scrapes my windshield in the winter.
He always says I’m the most beautiful woman, the best cook, the sweetest and most supportive, and every time I can feel his absolute sincerity.
He sees the strengths in my weaknesses. Even the things that drive him crazy about me, like my absentminded approach to housework. He says it’s the same trait that make me so laid back and so he loves that part of me too.
He is beyond steady and provides the structure for our life as a family and as a couple.
We do things for each other in an almost ritualized way. I bring him coffee and eggs in his office in the morning. He calls me in the afternoon when he’s passing through town to see if I want anything from the store.
We always hold hands in the car. One hand for the wheel, and one for him. Sometimes I drive with a knee if I also have a coffee and I realize that’s going too far but hey. He has more sense if he’s the one driving.
We say thank you and acknowledge acts of service to each other and the family.
We say “I love you” many times each day, from a groggy, slurred “I love you” as I get out of bed in the early morning, to a whispered one as he spoons me to sleep.
We cuddle every night.
I never, ever put a “leash” on him. He’s social and I’m a hermit, but if he wants to go out with friends after work, golf for half the weekend, take his daughter on a trip so they can spend quality time together, I always encourage him. He is so grateful for that. To me it’s natural to not control another adult, but he tells me I’m a unicorn among women ;)
He never fails to make appreciative comments if ever he catches me in a state of undress, and I live to see him working outside with his shirt off (a too infrequent occurrence, but really, I could never get enough). He tries to position himself behind me at the gym when we’re lifting. If I don’t always have the energy for sex, I try to make up for it by going all out and treating him like a king in bed. I don’t think there’s a more effective way to make a man feel loved.
All I have to say here is love and appreciation for my guy and what we share, so thank you Tara for making me think about it so much. I love a person who’s way too good for me, who thinks I’m way too good for him. What could be better?
Toxic relationship ideas that I had to deal with and heal from:
Love doesn’t mean sparks and flame. Those are the early days, and they are exciting and wonderful. But they fade to a soft, warm, strong glow if you tend the coals.
Women and men are DIFFERENT. That is something to honour and celebrate! Settling into my feminine role, as defined by our families needs, has been one of the biggest contributors to my fulfillment. And instead of being uncomfortable with the ways of men, seeing them as less evolved women, I’ve come to appreciate men so much for their wonderful masculine traits that the world, and us women, so need. We don’t need to always relate to one another and understand each other fully. We bend around each other’s differences, fill in the gaps and honour each other’s contributions and abilities.
It’s not only ok to lean on your partner, it’s necessary. I used to think I had to do, if not everything, then an exact division of the labour. Contribute an income, do most if not all of the housework, cooking and childcare (because my income was smaller), no sick days, no concessions, as if I was worse than an employee to my family. My ex reinforced this idea. Asking my man for help when I need it has been a hard adjustment, but one of the best changes I’ve made. It makes us both feel loved and cared for.
And here’s one from my previous relationship: don’t stick with a mistake. If you’re with someone who doesn’t and can’t share your values, doesn’t and can’t reflect on themselves, treats you poorly… just leave. Leaving was the best thing I did, even though we had kids. I know it’s never that simple, and it was far from that simple for me, but if you never should have stayed in the first place and it isn’t getting better, don’t hang on to the commitment. It’s hard to know, when you’re in that situation, whether it will get better if you both learn to relationship better. I’ll just say that I couldn’t have ever been happy with my kids dad, and now with my love (after a rough patch in the beginning that only had to do with what we brought to the relationship) it’s so easy to see us growing old together in love and admiration.
This is just beautiful, Karla. Thank you for sharing your warm and loving relationship with us. It's so wonderful to hear about functional, thriving relationships instead of all of the doom and gloom we're told is normal. I have never understood the control of our loved ones either. I love my man, I want him to do the things he loves to do because it fulfills him and a fulfilled love is a really great one to have around. :)
oh my gosh, your comment almost made me cry (the good kind). he manifested you.... that was almost the dam breaker. <3333 so much of you reminds me of us, and from a side view, i can see exactly why it works so well for us. "we do things for each other.." i love this. i used to wake up early and make him breakfast, he used to wake up early(er) on weekends to do the dishes and make me coffee. he works long, laborious days, and those can be ruthless. i sometimes rub his feet if i can't sleep. he somehow knows the next morning, both the insomnia and the foot rub.
"we always hold hands in the car" have you ever had an irrational fear that you might grab the hand of the non-SO passenger in your car? this is legitimately a fear of mine :'D
"never ever put a 'leash' on him" it really is so odd to try to control another adult person. i'm the social one here, and he isnt, and i worry he'll be lonely if i'm not around (like i would be). he encourages me to go spend time with my friends, and be sociable even without him.
thank you for sharing. seeing appreciation brings about all the more appreciation.
He has actually shown me a piece of paper, which he still has, that lists the things he wanted in life when he was in a lonely and kind of lost place before we met. One was a brief description of the kind of woman and relationship he was looking for, which he says is me 😭
Now I do have the irrational hand holding fear, thanks a lot hahaha
If your husband is anything like me, he likes those alone times in at home when you’re out with friends. I never feel lonely, only refreshed.
Wowsa! Savoring all these different points of view....i started June w an intention of being curious about connection and this post found me, lol! So many paths to explore here....We have been married 26 years in October this year, 2 kids, 17 moves and still working all this ‘marriage stuff’ vulnerability, intimacy...but I can share that something shifted for me maybe 4 or 5 years ago when I realized that I had been living in a “masculine” energy...trying to do “everything”, not recognizing I have a team; then I realized what was off was my own focus and energy being depleted by being a cowboy and keeping all the balls in the air, but what really makes me thrive is “my team” and leaning into true “feminine” energy and letting my husband lead. It was the “letting the lead go while embracing creating the environment the home, the garden...he on the other hand was free to lead without “criticism”. We both became happier, and created shared plans and dreams together, rather than just punchlists. I wasnt really aware of what I was doing, being controlling, but growing up in the 80’s women were told they needed to “do it all” and subconsciously it rooted..So now, our marriage is together, we are a team. We continue the quest for even more intimacy, savoring moments and the unfolding of our lives as our kids get older, 15 and 8 are the ages of our kids (we had our 1st 10 years into marriage) and our marriage softens the harshness of life, it is a safe place where we look to connect. Thank you for this thread and conversation🤍(and to Troy for also sharing his point of view)
I'm so glad you contributed to this thread, Trish. You've been married 26 years and you exemplify an openness to continuous growth and curiosity which is necessary for any sort of evolving. You and I share a very similar path. I grew up in the 70s/80s under that same messaging. What a destructive force. It wasn't until, like you, I started questioning if I had to keep struggling and pushing myself to have worth by measuring up to men, doing the men things, that things started drastically changing for me and for us. It felt like learning a foreign language, to try and connect with my feminine (which is not, I learned, a weakening but an empowerment). I think so many women are stuck in that quagmire, knowing something isn't quite working, but not being able to figure out what that is. We had the same experience as you and your husband did when we untangled from the narrative and started relaxing into what worked for us and it's been a beautiful journey full of so much more peace and intimacy and respect than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy for you and your family.
Thanks for starting this conversation! (I'm not married, we're engaged after a long 6 year defacto relationship!) I just wanted to share that I was nodding my head to all comments of detrimental.. and to all the below. I have a story for each comment, unpleasant and nice to reflect on :)
Wow, what an amazing and refreshing take on this. The advice and stories here are beautiful, and many are things that my husband have done as well. We have been together for 20 years now (married for 13 this year), and I will be 40 at the end of the year (wow, where does time go??). We have done a lot of growing up together. Always evolving and adjusting, and holding space for eachother while we navigate this crazy wonderful life. I will just reiterate that clear and loving communication is so important. That making time to connect with eachother, especially when the kids are little, is critical. Thank you for this post!
Thank you, Angelina, I couldn't agree more. Congratulations to you and your husband on your enduring union. And, I agree, there are so many beautiful comments here. Much better than the "ten best things to make your marriage spicy" bs touted in the land of the soundbite. :)
Men are strong like oak trees - deeply rooted, strong and tall, not easily swayed. Men are protectors, hunter-gatherers, providers, knowledgeable and logical.
Women are strong like willow trees - providing amazing shade, growing well in well-watered places, more 'soft' than oak trees.
Women are nurturers, nourishers, caretakers, providing the softness and essence to home and life, kinda like broody hens.
I have loved that picture and often thought of it throughout our short marriage.
Thank you for sharing Tara, lots to think about. What brought you two to the realization of wanting to spend your lives together? And what are your thoughts on knowing whether you can make it work with someone?
As corny as it is, Daph, it was the gates of heaven opening up and sounding the trumpets on our very first kiss :) I always thought he was too good for me. He thought I was too good for him. I suppose that says something. I think if you meet someone that is virtuous and you hold similar principles and values and are both committed to doing whatever it takes to make things work, you're starting off in a pretty good place. So many people don't even know what they want. I didn't. I didn't have any good married role models around me, but I knew what I absolutely did not want and sometimes that's a good a place as any to start.
Masculine- the energy, the sun, the guide, the doer
Feminine- the space, the moon, the receiver, the holder, the nurturer/nourisher
But we all have a balance of both... I think in today's culture it can look all kinds of ways. Letting the man lead, and knowing your role is just as important and doesnt lessen you. In some families the woman works and man caretakes but maybe she lets him lead in other ways to honor his masculine role...
I studied Ayurveda and in India the women did the cooking and baby/home caretaking and medicine making. The men would be the "gurus" yogis and teachers or workers, seemingly in superior roles, the women were in the background humbly living Ayurvedic daily life and allowing their men to teach and work, by nourishing their families the women were of utmost importance the men knew they could not do without them. Could not teach and work without their woman's nourishment. I think its a humbling factor, not belittlement to women. But requires profound respect from man.
Beautifully said, Kacey. I like the way you said, "it's a humbling factor, not belittlement to women. But requires profound respect from man." Absolutely. Whoever would judge the nourishment and care of a woman as less a contribution than the strength and force of a man has not stopped to consider the limitations of a poorly loved man (which is what we are seeing in big ways right now).
Stopping to consider....”the limitations of a poorly loved man”....I need to think this out...but this statement gave me great pause; what are the limitations of a poorly loved man and actually what is the opposite....a well loved man?
i hope im not barging here, but i think some limitations of a poorly loved man can be things like: few, or no ambitions; loneliness, or retreating into themselves; anger, sometimes. when we as humans don't feel loved, it can take such a toll on our emotions and mentality; low confidence, or self-pity. these are all things i've witnessed, and it makes me so sad.
a well loved man, though. he is confidence itself, he emanates such a warmth and a gravitational pull that people can't (or won't?) fight. people just want to talk to him, children are drawn to him. he can do anything, or so it seems. he carries himself with the grace and authority of a leader, whether or not he has Leadership Skills. he just seeps with kindness and a genuineness.
sometimes, you can tell by a man's demeanor if he is well loved, and it is entirely heartbreaking when he isn't.
You have said this so beautifully, Pea. I have little to add, only a reinforcement of your words. I've never known a poorly loved man to complain that his woman isn't loving him the way he wants to be loved. Women, on the other hand, generally have little problem communicating such things. And just like you said, there's a withdrawal and steeling of their spirits. A well loved man, like a well loved woman, is a beautiful, solid expression of a human exuding peace and confidence to be fully realized however that may look for them.
In our household, he is the head. He values my input and will let me take the lead on things that he knows I am better at, but his word is the final say. He makes the majority of the money. I handle basically all the cooking and cleaning and he lets me make the house beautiful. We both work on the garden. At the core of it all, I love serving him and making his life better in any little ways I can, and he loves providing for me and making sure I feel safe. I think that last part, where our hearts are in what we're trying to do for the other, is the most traditional part.
Tara's in town today, so I thought I would sneak in a post from a man's perspective on our marriage and what I feel has brought us peace and joy. (1) Follow through with everything you say. The small things that you say you'll do but that go undone, whittle away at her trust in you. Let her know that when you say you'll do something, it's done. (2) Vulnerability is a strength when shared with the woman you love. This way of being was so counter to the way I was brought up and enforced from a profession in the military. I now know that true intimacy comes through sharing my innermost thoughts "aloud" with Tara, regularly and always. (3) Loving the sight of her naked and telling her so, daily. (4) Noticing and being grateful for all the small things that Tara does. And, in my man way doing all the small things for her to make her life easier and more beautiful with no expectation for thanks or anything in return. (5) Supporting Tara to allow her to flourish and grow in her pursuits. Often I don't understand the why, but I have learned that doing everything I can to support her creativity and interests benefits us as a couple and makes us stronger together. (6) Lead the family. If you are married to a woman as highly competent and intelligent as Tara you know that they are more then capable to lead and will do so when there is a deficit of leadership. But, I know that when I lead our family and our relationship, it brings more peace, clarity and structure and in turn I believe, allows Tara to relax more into her natural feminine state. (7) Be playful. I'm pretty straight laced and even keel, but I love seeing and participating in the zany ways of Tara and our daughters. (8) Always, always take and make the time to allow your woman to feel loved. From always giving a lingering goodbye kiss, to a shoulder massage after a long day, to a more than detailed "tick check", make her feel loved, steadfastly and forever.
Troy! You made me cry! I just got back on here now and look what I've missed. You're my king forevermore. xo
Hey Troy, I found it really helpful to get a man's take on what works in a relationship. I'm a 24 year old guy (man, I guess? Sometimes I'm not so sure (not about my gender orientation, but whether I'm worthy of that title)), and didn’t grow up with good examples of happy, functional relationships. I surely did learn a lot about how not to be in a relationship (and as a human generally), so I have a good idea of many pitfalls to avoid, but I don't feel that I have much that is concrete to aim for.
I'm happy to write that I believe I'm actually pretty good in a few of the pillars you mentioned (particularly 3, 5, and 7), though feel I need to improve on the rest. I feel that each one is straight-froward and self-explanatory except for #6 (lead the family), which I hope you'll write/speak more about at some point.
I have been dating a highly competent and intelligent women for 1.5 years. She is also deeply feminine, and I feel in my bones that she wants me to be the leader in our relationship, but I don't feel that I have much know-how or confidence in this area, so we often experience what feel like momentary glitches. Like we both want to shout "LINE" backstage, as though we don’t know how the script is supposed to go. I think these are moment when I fail to step up (usually times when a decision needs to be made, but no one does). I'm not a very decisive person. Is that a major part in leading a family? If so I'll start practicing.
I'm also curious if what you've learned about manhood has come purely from role models, trial/error, or if you've read helpful books on the subject (and if so, I'd appreciate your recommendations).
Thanks again for your perspective.
I'd also like to add, more in response to Tara's post, that the notion that 'men expressing masculinity is toxic' was deeply engrained in my psyche from an early age. I feel that it's only since meeting my current girlfriend, who is the epitome of feminine in many ways, that I've recognized how harmful this idea is and have happily made great effort and progress in uprooting it from my mind. Hence why a void has opened up (as per my previous paragraph) and I'm not so sure how to act sometimes…
oh I just love troy guest appearances! everything you both have said rings very true for us also after 14 years of marriage. it really does seem pretty simple when you lay it out, yet so incredibly difficult and profound.
I'm so happy for you, Cassandra.
Thank you Troy, I am new here but looking forward to getting to know you too. Hearing your perspective is so valuable. I Know my husband would agree with all those points, and the 1st point I think would hit him hard. He wants to be true to his word but has not kept one big promise he made me on our 4th date, to quit smoking, he has tried but the stress of work and a young family has always brought him back. He also uses alcohol, as I have, but sober for 6 months now with no intention of going back, and I hope one day he can see he needs to quit drinking too. I, on the other hand, have not been very receptive of his (or really anyones) affection or even recognition. I see now how that has eaten away at our connection. Lots of self-love needed on both our parts but we are dedicated to growing and evolving.
Our details are different, but we've been in some very hard places. Focus on you and what you can do and keep talking to each other. It's amazing what can grow just from that.
Love it. Thank you for taking the time to write down these great thoughts. Amen to it all!
Love this. Thank you for sharing. Detailed tick check..☺️
(perv tick check) ;)
Great perspectives all! Combining numbers 1 and 7 brought back a memory for me. My well-intentioned husband would often put off projects I needed completed leading to marital frustration on my part. I found a plaque in an antique store that said "If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months." After I bought it and handed it to my husband, we both had a good giggle.
I love this!
My husband and I have been married for 13 years this month. We both feel like each other is the best thing that ever happened to us followed by our little miracle baby.
We tried for kids for 10 years, experienced 2 miscarriages and then got our sweet baby boy.
I got really sick 5 years ago and was bed ridden for 9 months before we figured out I had developed all of these autoimmune diseases. It took 3 years of very consistent effort in changing diet and lifestyle to get my health back. My husband has bathed me, dressed me, literally spoon fed me and even shaved my legs for me lol there is nothing more humbling, and more connecting than total dependence on each other.
All to say, I think we made our biggest leap in our marriage when a 2 years ago we were setting yearly goals and we always pick 4 areas to set goals in: relationships being one of them.
My goal was to have a deep connection with my husband every day. Then I wrote out every idea I could think of on how to do that. This is when I started to realize that sex wasn’t just for him and his needs! It was for us. It was for connection. I realized that simple things like eating together with no tv on, and making a cup of tea and sitting on the couch for half an hour at night just to talk was also deep connection. My sex drive went from pretty much nothing to basically wanting sex with him every other day lol it’s funny how aiming for connection opened up all these doors. And guess what? We got pregnant and made our baby! And now having a child, and being tired, we have had to work out new ways to connect each day but meal times are still a huge part of that and pillow talk. Anyways not sure if all of this made sense. It can be hard to put into words the nuances and the epicness of these small daily decisions and how they echo in our relationship for years to come. You know? ❤️ Thanks for starting the convo!
Aw, Ruth, this made me cry. I am so happy for your both. And, you know, it's true that not having sex seems to deaden something in us women. The longer you go without, it's like your body says, "Okay, guess we're not doing that anymore. Good night." Ha! Need a higher libido, have more sex! What a good and loyal man you have there. :)
Wow, Ruth, your reply really connected with me; especially this bit about sex and aiming for connection....somewhere deep in the translation of marriage sex became “duty” which isnt very sexy, lol! But connection is a beautiful perspective. Navigating the terrain of intimacy even after many years of marriage is full of mystery but perhaps it is more paradox it scary and it is beautiful especially if you are going for connection above all else...hmm thank you🤍 your man sound beautiful caring for you whilst your physical being healed..bless you both🙏
Yes to this! I have tried to explain to my S.O. that my low libido has a lot to do with things not being well in our relationship, and that feeling good and happy and loved turns me on.... I think it's difficult for guys to grasp that, when he is turned on directly by physical touch, seeing me naked etc. But you hit the nail on the head!
For us, married 38 years, it’s been never giving up. Both are human, we both are thoughtless at times. I remember reading this and it has helped me…Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself…it’s thinking of yourself less. I need to focus on my husband, too. I also find it helpful to ask myself if I would want to be married to me. And, yes, lots of sex. It is the connection that’s saved us when we aren’t in time with each other.
Wonderful, Willisa! I love that, "humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less". What a simple, wonderful thought in the time of great narcissism.
Thank you for all of the insights. And yes to all of it. More of this discussion is needed, I think young couples starting out today are very ill equipped. We were. Either we didnt have good examples of healthy relationships, no elders to tell us this advice, or were not raised in an open-communication type of way. As a couple that got pregnant before we were ready, but decided to have at it anyways, we have been through many ups and downs already in our 5 years together. Through financial struggles, addiction issues, parenting our child (and reparenting ourselves), toxic family members, and many other things, heres a few things ive learned:
-We can always get over ourselves and see the other persons perspective, and therefore respond with understanding
-its hurtful to deny a man sex in a dismissive, sarcastic or rude way. (doesnt mean you should just do it if you really dont want to) but atleast explain why you need to say no and whats going on rather than just dismiss- imagine being in those shoes and constantly having to be the initiator only to be denied constantly
-Dont assume he knows whats in your head, always communicate clearly your needs. Be aware when youre doing the dishes and rattling off in your head all the shit he's not doing enough of. Sit down and have the talk and understand.
-your on the same team... no matter what
-its the little things- organize and refold the clothes in his closet, make sure hes got food, ask him if he needs support
-if you're really in the deep end and are feeling like "i dont know if this relationship is going to work anymore" just wait... and be with it.. and remember that replacing someone doesn't solve the sadness/anger/shame inside of you that contributed to the issues with your partner. The inner work is so important, to understand what continuously comes up for you and why. Ive known many couples that separated and got with new partners only to have the same issues arise because they didnt realize they had unresolved emotions stuck in the subconscious
-always hug and touch every day. endorphins. HusB and I were at a point once where I was still nursing my son at 2 years and was still getting all the lovely snuggles with him and sleeping next to him in a different room and so I was getting all this body connection but realized my husband was really not getting it much...so now i make a point to at the very least long hug in morning and evening.
-dont argue in front of kids, they hear even when theyre babies
-always connect back to your greater vision together, often.
I came to the realization too that even if I threw our relationship out the window I would have the same struggles with another man...because what triggers me is my own!
Gosh, Kacey, these are fantastic, honest, incredibly helpful pieces of wisdom. I wish I could print this whole thread out and share it with so many people that write to me on Instagram asking what's going wrong in their relationships. These are just excellent and your ability to self-reflect, to question if your husband is getting what he needs, not just what you need, is something that will surely hold you in good stead. Thank you so much for sharing.
There were some great nuggets in here! Thank you.
Amazing, all needed insights for me and/or good reminders. ❤️❤️❤️
Hi Kacey! I really enjoyed reading your comment! I'd like to add a different perspective on the part about not arguing in front of kids. I grew up in a home where my parents did not argue in front of us, or would start an argument and then would stop. They probably picked it back up when we were out of earshot. But I found as an adult, wishing I had had healthy arguing modeled for me. I had no idea how to work through a disagreement in a healthy fashion and what the outcome of working through it looked like. Does that make sense? My husband and I don't argue much, but I try really hard to let our kids see how we work through stuff. I'm wondering what other people's experiences are with this.
Yes I think thats true actually Cristin. I think its just being about aware of how you're speaking to your partner or about them in front of kids. This is an area I'm still working on with my partner. I tend to just remain quiet about it in front of my son and talk to partner about it later, sometimes this also allows me time to sort through it myself instead of the feeling like i want to blow up in the moment. But definitely important for kids to see conflict resolution and all types of emotions being allowed. My partner and I were not in a good place at one point a couple of years ago and sometimes things would escalate to the point of really putting the other down rather than just an argument, and that never feels good especially in front of a kid. I just really try and see where a conflict might go and what both of our energies are to decide if its ok to have right then or should wait... but im not sure, would love to know others perspectives on this as well.
My husband and I are going on 10 years of marriage now. Crazy to think we’ve been together through a third of my life now just about.
We’ve been through SUCH tumult. Probably more than most couples ever deal with in a lifetime: legal woes, a prison term (we were pot growers), infidelity, squandered fortunates, alcoholism, and parenting a toddler! We had taken 6 months apart while he decided whether or not he wanted to quit drinking and stay together, and just moved back in together. I feel nothing short of triumphant. We have grown apart then back together, now deep in a process of reflecting on how we came to be here and why, together and separately. I easily could have blamed him for everything and called him a deadbeat and moved on but that isn’t what I wanted and neither is it the truth.
The truth is that for a life to become so twisted up in drama it requires two parties drowning in self delusion.
We’re lucky in that at least we both come from parents who remained happily married. I don’t really see it modeled in the culture at large. My generation seems to see marriage as nothing more than a piece of paper, as disposable. I can’t even tell you how many friends I have that are single mothers. I can’t even tell you how many friends I have that advised me to just walk away from my relationship. They call everything “abusive.” People are losing the ability to compromise, to view one another charitably. And I don’t see a culture that supports families in working it out and staying together.
My husband is human, as am I. He has wounds and struggles and insecurities, as I do. He’s complex, as am I. But I know him and he knows me. He has loved me through all of my craziness, my fickleness, my “feminism.”
I’ll end with this: I spent a lot of years having bought into the victim economy. I blamed my shortcomings on everyone but me. My dad for not loving me the way I thought I needed to be loved as I child. Society for its ills. My elders. Patriarchy. Whatever. Recently I came out of a really intense process of waking up from that veil of delusion. It’s like I woke up and realize what an adult actually is. It’s someone who takes responsibility for their life and their feelings and their wellbeing without blaming others. I can’t think of a more disempowering way to see the world than through the lens of patriarchy, or racism or whatever else. It’s only one small piece of the story.
I too would defend my man to the end. He’s a person of courage and integrity. We go forward together with the understanding that we are the weavers of our destiny. If things aren’t okay it’s both of our jobs to seek solutions.
Anyway, I could go on about this forever. We were married. We said words. We meant them. Nothing is more important than each other and our family.
Thank you for sharing such an honest and profound piece of your story with us. There is a great authenticity in your words and I think it's 'the real' that is missing in the empty nourishment of our world. It makes me so sad that being a victim is offered up and heralded as "brave" in our twisted culture. It keeps us all so very small and powerless. I could tell you stories about my past, but my past is gone and I am here and I am choosing to be responsible for the love and the life I give and receive and what can be more important than that? Feeding the past which isn't even real anymore? I am moved by your determination and that you are fulfilling what you have been put here for and that you have a man to do that alongside you. xo
Thanks for sharing this. I am so impressed by the whole path you're walking and your reflection and being committed to being an "adult" - We all are!! Being an adult can be hard :)
Thank you for sharing...I feel an unfettered warrior spirit alive and well; it is....quite inspiring🤍
20 years in, I'll say "choosing your battles"...and when you feel like there are battles, really reflect before you choose to fight. Take stock in what the rub is, what caused it, how could it be better handled, own your part, decide if a battle is worth the energy that could be better spent elsewhere, decide if it is something to die on the sword for, think about what outcome you're hoping for....and sheesh, by then you should be calmed down and hopefully realizing nothing is worth all that drama!
I can be a hothead reactionary gal. And if I settle my arse down and do some reflecting, it takes the wind from my sails and I can think logically. It's really a self time out!
I'll also jump on the kindness train. Everything from pouring his coffee to making a beautiful salad at lunch to covering him with his favorite quilt when he falls asleep on the couch. All little things that show love and kindness. They don't go unnoticed and on busy days, mean more than ever.
Finally, we don't let stuff sit. And we work together to talk everything through...from bills, to meals, to which direction to mow the lawn this week. We have done this for nearly all our 20 years together. I think it is the truest show of our love for one another because we agree, disagree, and agree to disagree...and at the end of each day, it always all works out and we find ourselves happier for those moments.
Oh...and always, always say "I love you".
All I'm thinking here is that I hope young couples find their way to these amazing comments. Just layers of gems based on experience and truth. This is wonderful, Jeanie. We have found the same things to be true, especially talking about everything. There is nothing off limits and we communicate about it all. I love the image of you doing those sweet things for your man, too. Women are such beautiful nurturers and its always so lovely to witness that full expression of love.
This is really good Jeanie.
Thank you 😊
I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve sort of girl but trying to be more careful with as you say picking my battles. I want to share all the changes to my heart and soul that have happened recently with my husband but I'm also finding I have to give him time to see the changes first. Playing a bit of poker, if I reveal all my recent revelations he gets scared I've changed beyond recognition.
I understand this- i think sometimes change and evolution are scary processes...and while they are cause for celebration, they are also good moments for reflection. I think that "showing your full hand" can often be daunting for the recipient- who will likely be proud, but could well be overwhelmed at first blush.
My husband always says that life is a slow dance. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow...but you always end up dancing together.
Wishing you well, Alexandra ❤
Such wonderful advice, Jeanie.
Love that. Thank you.
I really love this, and truly appreciate your posts on the topic - there just aren't enough people talking about it.
I think for us, one of the most important aspects of our relationship that has really been the glue, is to never lose our playfulness with each other, to be happy, silly little children together and lose ourselves in that, even if just for a stolen moment in between doing the dishes and bathtime.
And a deep respect for the other, and what's important to them. Does he understand why there is a frozen placenta in our freezer, waiting to be buried under a tree? 😂 Nope. Does he know its important to me, and will Bury it with me and pretend it doesn't slightly freak him out every time he opens the freezer? You can bet on it.
Ahahaha thank you for the laugh! Yes! How wonderful! My husband is as straight-laced as they come and I think I'm pretty bonkers most of the time. It's so refreshing to read this, Lee. Playfulness is so important! You're absolutely right! There is all manner of wonkiness that can be diluted with delight and laughter. Thank you for sharing this :)
Lol...goodness where to start!....
Okay...I'm a bossy/stressy (but funny!) type personality and struggled to find someone who could cope with that! But he did and I really appreciated the way he handled me! I'm big on communication so arguments were not left to fester ... we had to talk it through...sometimes too much but I was always honest in my feelings and wouldn't hesitate to admit fault. He's always been very happy with me being happy and I was aware that his desires may get left behind but i think i managed to make sure he was able to have his desires fulfilled...mostly! :P We still working on things like libido and not taking each other for granted. We definitely aren't perfect and looking back I think we've done okay...29 years this year and we feel that we are happier together and stronger now, more than ever, but still a work in progress. my two cents <3
Ahhh hurray! I just love every bit of this, thank you for sharing this. So many golden nuggets for people to chew on. :)
Another thing is that due to being a communicator type (I had my strengths test and communicator was numero uno) and being open and honest I've inadvertently enabled great relationships with our 3 boys and their girlfriends and we talk openly over family get togethers, of the challenges of navigating issues that can cause problems ...and we laugh about a lot of it...I'm hoping it's helping the girls understand boys in a way that's not offered in the general sphere they inhabit. 🙏🤞
I love this Tara, thank you, so with you on all your realisations.
For me and my husband (married 6 years, together 12, 3 kids who are 9, 6 and 4) I feel it’s our commitment to our sexual connection that has allowed us to to thrive together and for our relationship to evolve and deepen over time.
We are committed to a minimum of one evening a week where we get naked and connect intimately, although it often becomes 3 or 4 and sometimes we even manage to steal a morning or lunchtime session : )
This is the foundation of our relationship - it’s here that we meet each other’s most vulnerable and tender parts as well as the God/Goddess in one another. Where we connect on the deepest level. And where we play.
It’s not easy - we have waded through a whole load of entangled stuff naked in bed. And there is always more of course. But each time we come through it we reach a new level of connection. And the sex just gets better and better.
X
I'm so glad you shared this, Laura. What a beautiful, intimate way to connect (as it should be). I know that there are a whole host of reasons that intimacy can wane, from young children to hormonal issues, but it's so integral to the fabric of a relationship. Thank you for sharing how meaningful this is in your relationship.
I feel like we are only learning now how important this aspect is but I also think the years he had patience with me greatly impacted my trust in him and ability to connect.
With healing foods and reconnecting with nature (especially the sun) my libido is coming back! It is exciting and refreshing to hear how sex strengthens a couples connection and I am ever more eager to explore intimacy with my husband. 😁
Isn't the sun amazing?? Couples sun baths are pretty much the best thing ever :)
I just found this out😊 and now I believe it is the giver and messenger for all life on earth! I have not gotten my husband to join me, but he has enjoyed watching me sun bath topless on the warmer days this past Manitoba winter/spring! 😉 Looking forward to the warmer days still to come.
What is this sun connection to libido? Intriguing!
I have been using all the light of the sun to help heal my health issues including hormonal imbalances. I try every morning to see the sunrise to put my melatonin to bed and get cortisol and serotonin kicking in naturally. I make sure to use the sun to make vitamin D, and limit blue light especially after sunset, so my sleep is good too. It has helped regulate all my hormones as they are all connected to our circadian rhythm. Together with eating high fat and mainly animal products I've noticed changes with all my health issues, mentally, physically and spiritually. So not sure how intriguing that sounds, but i have found learing the science behind it has been extremely enlightening.
These changes alone are some of the most profound things anyone can do for their health. I have family members that are not well, cannot sleep, and are now suffering the ravages of whole body/brain inflammation that, had they made these simple steps, would very likely see them in robust health right now. We humans like to overcomplicate things, but these things alone are profound and affect every facet of our health. Wonderful comment, Alexandra.
Love this. Have been having horrible hormonal issues over the last few years, from thyroid to sex hormones. Libido is terrible. Eat essentially carnivore. Maybe more fat? I always go outside within minutes of waking to get the natural light. In the spring thru autumn, soend lots of time outside in sun, but mostly working around the home…not relaxing in the sun. Blue light always an issue as hubby and I love to catch a movie or documentary every night. Not sure I can convince him to turn off the tv. Thanks for this info Neil do some more looking into it. Any books you recommend or people worthy of following that are backed up with science? Thanks for sharing.
The person I have mainly learnt from is Dr. Courtney Hunt.She has one book, but it is not really about hormonal health but quantum mechanics as it relates to human creation. She also goes live every morning at sunrise, Arizona time, and many other times during the day, so you can learn for free. She speaks about the science of the sun, mitochondrial health, DNA, epigenetics, quantum biology, human creation and the singularit(ies), so you have to listen often to piece it all together. She also provides webinars that I found very helpful. There are others as well, Dr.Jack Kruse I hear is a good source.
My struggle right now is seeing the sunrise as it gets earlier and earlier, especially when, like last night, my 2 yo ends up in bed with us and we have a restless night.
I hear you about the TV, fortunately my husband has been pretty accommodating with this change in lifestyle. If we do anything it is listen to audible books together by candle light, sometimes in the bath, it is lovely! We are listening to the Dune series right now.
I also wear blue light blockers, daytime ones while on the computer and night time ones which are shaded reddish. While your whole body sense the light your eyes are the main connection between the light and your biology, so it is suppose to help, I think it has. Maybe look into getting a pair, Swanwick is one good brand. Then at least you can control your own light!
Are we allowed to add??!
So many things to share!
Might I also add that there is no "counting the jellybeans"...meaning we are not divided on what gets done. We share and share alike. Some days I do all the cooking and dishes. Some days he does all the dishes. Somedays the dishes sit. We strive to just see a need and fill a need. It somehow gives us more time together.
We also didn't parent together when our kids were younger...we brought our children together when we became a couple. From day 1, we saw each other's kids as our own and support all 4 of them in whatever way they may need. At times, one may need way more than the other and that's okay. We give as freely of our time and energy as we can, even when it may seem uneven. If we aren't on the same page- we never talk about it in front of the kids. We discuss later and make amends as needed.
We spend many a night with a quiet house, jigsawing or playing Gin. Some nights we play vinyl on our record player and watch the world outside. It may be 5 minutes or 5 hours. But it's "our time" and we work hard not to forgo it.
We always, always hold hands...there is nothing better than my hand in his.
Love each and every comment here. 20 years in and I am still finding there is so much to learn.
Just beautiful, Jeanie. You're right, holding hands is paramount! :) (and we do puzzles and play crib many nights).
My in-laws told us the day we got married that marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100, each must give a 100% of themselves to the marriage every day. We've lived this philosophy for the 13 years of our marriage, and it's absolutely true. They also said to marry your best friend because you won't always be in love, but you'll always be friends. My husband is my best friend and I'm his. I can't imagine my life being any other way. 💗
That is such good advice! And so very true. I'm so glad you happened to marry your best friend, Jenna :) How beautiful is that?! Very beautiful, indeed.
Totally. If it weren’t for the fact that my husband and I genuinely enjoy each other, make each other laugh super hard and have a lot in common, we never would have pulled through some things. Our friendship has saved us for sure.
Wonderfully said, I agree and practice all of that you mentioned. Happily married for 20 years. We have keept the flame going and we are in love, in a different way than when we meet. We had gone through life changes, moves overseas, and big health issues for both of us. We always supported each other in the lowest and the highest. We make a point to compliment and thank each other always. I had breast cancer with a double mastectomy and went flat, no recontruction. He hold me all the way, no complains ever. We managed to keep a healthy sex life given the lack of breast. Our bodies have changed but our love have grown even stronger for the beauty inside. Everyday, no matter what, we have "baby hold" time off. We lay in bed, converse, joke, dream, plan, kiss and caress each other. We sing, we dance and laugh of our jokes, even if they are bad. We forgive and forget. We are each other priority, our home is our sanctuary, and we look forward to our time together every single day.
Thank you for your words Tara it is lovely and refreshing to read you.
This is absolutely beautiful, Cecilia. I am so glad. you shared this with us. All of our bodies are changing, the things we thought were so important in youth seem to slowly be replaced with things that are so much more meaningful. I used to need to be a certain jean size, now I want my knees to be functional. I used to look at other young women and compare myself, now I barely look in the mirror but marvel at how many holes I can dig in a day. And it feels so much better. So much better that my hair is greying and gravity is having its way and this guy still thinks I'm the hottest thing on earth. I am so delighted to hear you have one of those, too. xo
I really needed this! Approaching our twenty year anniversary and in the middle of our lowest low yet. Losing hope that this wave will pass. Wondering if it’s healthier for the family to just let go…I am now reminded that there’s still more things I can try to break the slump! Thank you! It helps to know that these are normal issues that all marriages face. I know it in my heart but still manage to forget sometimes…
Twenty years, Ally, that is no small thing. There are so many wise words in this thread. I hope some of them are helpful for you both.
Hugs to you ❤❤
Met in high school at 17 , had our first daughter at 19 , married at 22 , we are now both 31 , with 2 more small daughters. So married for 9 years , together for 14yrs . And oh the ebb and flows!
We are blessed that most of our relationship has mostly flowed. We were best friends first so our connection was always deep and profound . But we also practically grew up together and as we’ve had children, cracks became apparent within our own upbringing, we’ve had to (and still are) reparenting ourselves individually but side by side.
Definitely a few discussions there over the last few years about separation, because yes , having small children, the up and downs of hormones after births, and us feeling our needs not met etc make everything so so hard. But here we are still committed.
I am a free spirited woman , and as I grow and unlock parts of myself , being vulnerable, sometimes messy , sometimes nasty, he has been there as nothing but a rock , and so steadfast.
Working on our sexual connection, mostly on my part because there is a lot of inner healing for me there to do , and being vulnerable is definitely not easy for me. Affection is his need and being heard is mine , so as you can see it can become a viscous cycle if we become stubborn.
Learning that kindness is absolutely key , no matter what raging fire might be burning inside for that small moment, that eventually passes.
Our girls keep us humble, they are watching, as all children do.
They’re is such a playful air that he’s kept about himself, childlike , which I admire, because sometimes I can be too serious, being a mother and all. And I’m learning to find the joy in everyday again , as I once did, when we first connected.
So, to be continued ;)
Absolutely beautiful, Elodie. Thank you for letting us peek into your window. Three daughters is as special as it can be. You are young with so much happening both as parents and unpacking what was given to you and might just not serve you anymore. We were young with children, too and I remember trying to figure out who I even was outside of who the world told me I was. It felt pretty stormy sometimes. In many ways, my husband and I feel like we grew into our authentic selves as adults. There's so much stuff layered on us that I think we have to wade through and decide what is worth keeping and what you want to do differently. I'm glad you're still together. It's worth fighting for. Big hugs to you.
It took me a while to learn, and still doesn't always come naturally. But I think my marriage turned a corner when I began to truly believe that my husband really did say what he meant, not more and not less. And from there, I started to do the same. I let go a lot of a huge weight of resentment and frustration that resulted from my expectations for my partner to intuit or inherently understand my needs and desires that I didn't communicate. For his part, he's had to learn how to be more sensitive with words, sometimes. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and know when not to" has gotten us really far.
That is such an excellent point. I did that in the beginning of our marriage, too. I was always trying to figure out the nuance and deeper meaning of something before I realized we just had very different ways of thinking and communicating. It's nice to have that balance, different, but both valuable.
For us, we are in a very tumultuous and stressful period in our marriage. Not necessarily internally, but absolutely externally. Including the cutting out of betraying family members, forging our own unique path, and moving across the country.
What I've realized is that our love is so strong. Sure, we're incredibly irritated with eachother, and fight more than I'd like right now (stress is a bitch), but at the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather fall asleep or wake up next to.
The tidbit of wisdom I can offer at the beginning of year 7 of marriage is... just keep going. Sometimes everything around you will get worse and not better, but if you choose to keep going together your love will deepen, your joy will grow, and you will evolve.
Thank you, Tara, for inviting us to write this stuff down. It's good to see it "on paper".
I'm sorry you're in one of those tumultuous times in your marriage, Bethany. We have had some serious and awful falling out(s) with family members and I don't wish that on anyone. We, too, have gone through those dark times and now, looking back, I am so grateful we chose to forge our own path, just as you are. That you can see this as something you will get through is so hopeful. It would be great to give you a big hug.
Tara, I'd take that hug 1000 time over.
I see the light, literally and figuratively, today. It's sunny in the pacific north west for the first time in about a week (including what felt like a monsoon last night). This morning I'm going outside to soak up the sun, pray, and enjoy life before the business of the world consumes me.
Also, we've gotten our things into our new house over the weekend, which was a HUGE source of stress. Now to cull the collections of all the things because I do not want to move so many boxes next time.
Bullseye. Thanks, Tara. So refreshing to hear my own thoughts about this from another happily married woman!! I might add poetry to the list of daily worship. :)
My man and I have been together for seven years and still write poetry to each other. Here's one:
My root and rock from Viking stock
My soul and body's cradle
My heart's colossal wheel and cog
My will's red iron cable
A force that's rarely known to man
Of legendary fiber
He is and can what no one can
My galvanized wolf tiger.
Ahhhhh!!!!! "My galvanized wolf tiger!" I love your poem and I love your love! Thank you for sharing this, Amilina. I am so overjoyed that you have such a man to write such a poem about.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I have found that the things people don’t talk about when it comes to marriage, especially in the beginning, is that there may be a mourning period of your single life. Being married changes so many aspects of your life, your goals change, your priorities shift, you grow up in ways you hadn’t before. My husband and I constantly appreciate the small things and say thank you for things like doing the dishes, picking up socks, etc. We also create plans and goals together. I live in Chicago and so many of my married friends talk about how they live separate lives from their partners and I couldn’t imagine that. My husband and I spend time every evening talking about things we want to work on and implementing it. We haven’t always had similar schedules so I changed my work to ensure we have weekends together to do projects because I value that time together more than work. We prioritize our connection with each other constantly and are very good at talking about things in the moment. We are also brutally honest with one another and don’t create expectations in our head that aren’t verbalized to the other person.
Those are all such wonderful ways of being. What a kindness to extend to your spouse - the prioritizing of your time (lives) together and doing what it takes to make sure that happens. So many people like to claim themselves victims of circumstance, but you are showing your dedication to what's most important to you both. I think that means everything in a relationship.
I agree with your list and think it’s very all inclusive. Ours may be a little bit different but similar. Treat each other kindly always. Never a crossword. The two of you against the world always. Love each other and appreciate each other’s bodies (even when old).
Say sorry and forgive frequently. Practice of faith together. Raise children as a unit. Recognized traditional female and male roles (this was hard for me as a woman raised in the 1970s)
Love is a promise, a commitment and not a feeling.
Have fun together.
I also love all the other comments. This is really an wonderful group of people.
I agree, it is a wonderful group of people. I love what you shared, and agree with every last bit. I think, also being a woman raised in the '70s by a single mom with much of the feminist rhetoric coming my way from all angles, that those ideologies were the most destructive to disentangle from. It was all so engrained. And I imagine it has all gotten worse in the age of "toxic masculinity" and "women are god" mentality.
Oh, and "never a cross word". Yes. No name calling, no demeaning, no belittling. Ever. Respect and admiration is paramount in love. Love it all, Barbara.
It can be tempting to cast aside rhetoric of the feminist movements that came before us/around us. I recognize it as an overcorrection, but a necessary one. We still live amongst deeply ingrained misogyny in both our histories and modern society, but I am grateful that we also live in a time of greater latitude for anyone to lean into their individual strengths and gifts, especially those that align with "traditional" roles, and bring those to their relationships. We are lucky to be able choose which pressures, rhetoric, and messaging we allow to impact us, rather than compelled towards a way of thinking. There is nothing wrong with looking at a perspective and saying "no thanks, I don't see myself or my family/relationships/etc. reflected in that," and to have thoughtful discussions about that. But I did wince just now at the placement of toxic masculinity in quotes, as if it wasn't very real and impactful.
All very true. I appreciate that perspective. "Toxic masculinity" is one of those terrible labels put on men to try to diminish their expression of themselves in seemingly traditional roles. There's some wonderful work out there by minds much more illuminated than mine on how this is tragically affecting young boys. There is nothing toxic about masculinity, it is beautiful and to be celebrated just as femininity is. To marry "toxic" to "masculinity" is just another way to dilute the significance of strong men in our society.
A month late, but better late than never, eh? First, lots of wonderful advice in this comment board here, and it warms my heart to see the bevy of couples in love and learning to choose love every day! But I want to say I do agree with your post, Kay, and your ultimate assessment, especially the last line. And I think it's definitely one big misunderstanding going on. Some read "toxic masculinity" and think others are calling masculinity inherently toxic. I never took it that way, and I don't think that's what people mean when they say that phrase. Toxic is just the adjective here, and there are forms of "masculinity" that *are* toxic, and people are calling that out so it can be removed from boys' expectations and men's teachings about themselves to the betterment of both sexes. Healthy, real masculinity...strength, protectiveness, even righteous anger and defensiveness for loved ones and worthy causes...love it. Toxic masculinity...suppression of emotions (to be taken out so often on women), toxic social pressure to be promiscuous or show displays of violence to show their manhood...horrible mess that needs to go.
Not long after my husband and I met 20 years ago, we were walking in London in the early hours of the morning and were about to walk past a homeless man who was screaming at everyone walking by. I braced myself, but as we drew closer, he stopped. He stepped in front of us, eyes focused and said "I see you both. You will each support the other. You will support him and then he will support you." We'd been together all of two weeks. And without fail, that has been the rhythm of our 17 years of marriage. I lose my footing and my husband knows deeply what I'm unable to offer myself and I am able to offer the same to him. I grow and evolve and jump readily down rabbit holes of thoughts and ideas and he is supportive without fail. He may not always understand but he always listens. And I am committed to offering the same to him. We have no expectation of sameness, just the knowledge that there will always be acceptance and openness.
We home educate our two girls, and my husband works from home and it can be easy in the chaos to see but not deeply feel those quiet expressions of love and respect that we offer each other. It is each day committing afresh to this offering and acknowledgement. A freshly baked cake ready for a snack, the perfectly timed hug, cups of steaming tea waiting when you get out of bed, full body hugs before sleep always, dancing badly together, a bottle of wine and a playlist of new music you've found for each other, working side by side, a sorry, the feeling that a rainbow or a sunset or a flock of black cockatoos is something to share. And talking - always, always carving time for talking.
Thank you Tara and everyone for the beautiful reminder that the small and thoughtful is often where it's at....
This was so beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing parts of your marriage with us, Ren. "We have no expectation of sameness, just the knowledge that there will always be acceptance and openness." Perfectly said and so integral to growth and intimacy.
these comments are so balming.
we're 4 years over here (and almost a half) and we're in the midst of a "rough patch." really, its nothing more than the insanity of a hugely busy season, but those have their own difficulties, as im sure you know. the man is exhausted, has 6 day workweeks, long laborious days, and i am just as needy as ever, so it hasnt been easy. reading these reminds me that i should extend grace, and be ever-patient (especially when its hard to).
we were friends first, so i think that definitely helps us. he married his best friend, i married one of my closest. we like each other in addition to the love, and genuinely enjoy each others company. we do many many things that ultimately help us
-i love going on drives with him, and long drives are when we often have good long talks. road trips with him are some of the best times ive ever had
-we are almost always holding hands, or at least touching in some way. hand on a thigh, elbows touching, heads leaning together, something
-appreciation. i try to notice and mention that i appreciate little (and big) things he does (thank you for washing the dishes even though youve had a long day), and he does the same for me. it makes me feel so seen and appreciated.
-i try to care for him well. i try to pack food most days, and i put it in the exact same spot in the fridge. i try to remember to set a tumbler out for coffee. when we had a coffee machine, i would set the timer the night before. i gauge when to start dinner by when he lets me know he's on his way home
-us over all. yes, yes, yes, yes. i support him with all my being, and he has my back like no other.
i have argued with his dad more than a few times (with good reason), and not once did he try to stop me or shush me.
-he has told me that he is able to do as much as he does because of my support. i am his support system central, and i take the job seriously. he supports me in turn, and has urged me out of my comfort zone multiple times (always to my chagrin, always to my eventual delight)
-i follow his leadership (easy to do as a type B), and if it ever came to it, he would have the last say and make the final decision. if he decided tomorrow that we should pack up and move across the world, i would start packing.
-i treat each of his new ideas like its The Best Idea, because to me, it is. i am his biggest cheerleader
-i pray for him, for wisdom and understanding in making decisions and leading
-we don't fight. we don't yell. we rarely argue. we discuss when we can, even if it means tears. we are open and honest when feelings are hurt
-we love to be playful. i will sing songs at him, and he will make fun of songs to me
-we grind on each other if either of us dares to bend over, for any reason
-bum pats, of course
-long hugs, lingering kisses
the list goes on and on and on, but ultimately,
i adore him and he's crazy about me
we're on each others team
he is mine and i am his.
thank you, tara, for this discussion board. i have a renewed desire to care for my guy well, and make his life easier in any way i can. especially in this season.
Oh, Pea, this was just so delightful to read. I had a huge smile on my face the whole time. You sound so much like younger us, it almost felt reminiscent. I am so glad you feel a renewed zeal to inject some extra sweetness into your lives. And the grinding every time someone bends over? I might be in a walker one day.. would it stop then? Doubtful.
i'm so happy to provide you with a reminiscence! i've learned i love to be reminded of all the reasons i love my guy, so its an absolute joy when i can do the same for someone else.
the mental image of a lady in a walker grinding on her equally frail man is incredibly amusing.
ive checked on this thread maybe twice since i posted, and others have added their own comments. they are all so very lovely, i just read them and almost cry with joy. it makes me want to print this whole conversation and squirrel it away.
again, thank you for opening this discussion.
I'm feeling the same way about it. So many wonderful comments and insights. I'm so glad you're enjoying it, too.
I love long drives together too. And I think the physical connection of a hand on thigh, etc - energy sharing plus love is fantastic. Good job. You are going to make it through this little rough patch! :)
marriage, something I never thought I ever wanted and now I’m heading into my tenth year of marriage with the man I’ve been with for 15 (ish) years, despite my best efforts to fight the inevitable. We now have two children and have been happily (for the most part) married for almost ten years. And yes it’s work, I think not only is it work to stay together and come together, but if forces you to constantly work on yourself. Small arguments, disagreements or simple actions really make you take a look at yourself and grow. I am a hugely different person now than I was ten years ago. I am softer, more giving and more attentive. I show my love with actions, making food, cleaning, making more food, laundry, just generally taking care of my man and little babes, all that shit that everyone thinks is so passé! But these are the things that give me joy now, things old me would have thought so lame, but truthfully giving to my family is the most rewarding job I’ve ever done. And my man shows his love with words, affection, touch, the cat calls, the ass grab, the “come fuck me eyes”!! He can’t leave me alone and after so many years together, it makes me feel so lucky and wanted and what more could a gal ask for!
Marriage is such a huge learning process and everyday we learn from one another. I always have to remind myself that just because he didn’t pick up his socks doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, it just doesn’t bother him 🤣
I think we keep our connectedness by always making time for one another, talking about our dreams together and apart, playing cards, snuggling up on the couch, having a tequila by the fire, hot showers with each other and just genuinely enjoying each other as not only a lover, or a soulmate but most importantly a best friend.
Oh I love this! Socks are apparently invisible objects to my sons and husband too!! If only I had a quarter for every sock picked up... And beautiful imagery. Kudos to you!
Ahhh... this had me laughing out loud. Thank you, Maura, for sharing the delight of your marriage. xo
Young couple here, reading these amazing comments! Having this discussion thread was such a good idea. Thank you all!
I have been with my man for eight years, and we are at a breaking point. The past year has been the hardest yet. I wake up many mornings feeling sick to my stomach. It is time to bite the bullet and either commit and get married, or go our separate ways. Both options make me feel panic and fear. So much easier to just go on as is. But we can't afford that any longer... I turn 30 this year.
As an aside, I feel this is an appropriate place to ask how some of you handle your significant other not aligning with your health beliefs and lifestyle. It is so discouraging and exhausting when every attempt (i.e. turning the WiFi off when not using it) is met with a battle instead of agreement, and hard work activities (like borrowing my dads old meat grinder to make liverwurst from scratch) is seen as an enormous waste of time instead of admirable. It is especially hard because I feel this is the main thing of value I bring to the relationship.. Except that he doesn't see it as valuable. And then I feel bad that he does more of the household work, and so things are 'uneven.' And I can't help but think that there is someone out there that would value it.
Hi Beth, I'm a big believer in listening to what my body/heart are telling me. Do you wake up feeling sick to your stomach because you feel misaligned with your current situation? Can you not afford going on as it is because you want children and therefore want that commitment of marriage? Are you staying with him because it's been eight years in or because you can't wait for the next eight years?
It would be disheartening to not have the things you feel you bring into the relationship met with some kind of appreciation or to be valued. It's hard to know dynamics over a written comments, but I wonder if there's a reciprocity of respecting and valuing each other's contributions and gifts? Is there a spirit of gratitude between you both?
Wish I could give you a hug and a good squeeze.
It comes down to respect. Like a previous comment: he doesn’t understand why there is a placenta in the freezer, but he knows it’s important to her and that’s all that matters. We don’t have to agree with each, but we must always respect each other. My hubby is a landscaper. He often leaves early to go spray round up on commercial properties. I know that this is just part of his job (sadly), but he knows how I feel about glyphosate and that it will NEVER be sprayed on my property! Ever! Haha. And he respects that, even though it means that we spend a lot of time pulling weeds on our 5 acres!
Also, I refuse to feel guilt. Yes, sometimes I do not live up to my own expectations, but I don’t allow the guilt to eat at me. It will not always be 100% from each of us, but that’s the whole point. He lifts me up when I’m falling behind and vice versa. We don’t keep score on how many times that is required.
Hey, Beth! I’m so inspired that you sought advice from all of these wisdom bearing souls! I’m taking notes on all of it. When you stated, “It is time to bite the bullet and either commit and get married, or go our separate ways,” I wonder if you are limiting your options and I’m questioning where you are getting these ideas from? You’ve been together for 8 years so you are clearly committed. Commitment without vows (and I don’t mean marriage), makes the relationship at times feel less important/serious, so maybe on your anniversary every year do review of the last year and a renewal to giving it another year with each other. Taking it year by year can take the pressure off!
One thing that was very helpful for me is that I choose to view my partner as my friend first. I allowed way more grace and less judgment for my friends than I did for my partner and shifting that 8 years ago allowed me to view him as an individual going through a life on his own, with his own tastes and dislikes. I love watching him live his life. It’s him I am attracted to and allowing him to just be makes me love him more deeply each day. I hear what the other women are saying about respect but letting go of the expectations on his life was so helpful to me! Please reach out if you ever want to talk more deeply about this.
Yes, this is a tough one. I love what Amanda said about respect. My husband travels to Japan and there was a time during the covid thing that he thought about the vaccine, which I was wildly, passionately against. It was super hard for me to slow down and look at it from his perspective of, "I have to feed the family and if it's necessary I will do it". Which is admirable in its own right. Luckily we didn't have to do it- But I guess I would add that selfishness is toxic in a relationship. It ruins trust because if you can't trust that the other person is looking out for your best interest then it's very hard to trust them or know that there is not manipulation happening. Everyone is broken in some way. But if there is kindness, without force or manipulation, hopefully things can work out even if you see things differently.
Married almost two years here. Did it later in life after both of us had lived alone for quite some time. For me at least, having never lived with anyone after moving out of my parents house after college and loved living alone, it was an adjustment! Love - deep, long lasting, through it all love - is a daily choice. Some days it’s an easier one than others but it’s a choice you have to view as valuable to you.
I also hate the advice everyone gives of don’t go to bed angry. I know that personally I need to think things over after an argument, self examine and use some introspection to really parse out my own feelings about why I’m upset. Sometimes sleeping on it is the best thing I can do to give myself perspective and then come to my husband genuinely with an apology/compromise/concession.
Lastly, it’s not always 50/50. Some days one person needs 60 and can only give 40. We all have those times and offering your spouse that love and support is a huge part of what builds the depth of trust and companionship between you
These are all great insights, thank you for sharing them. I've always needed a bit of time to untangle from contentious exchanges too. It's a fine line to spend that time self-reflection and thinking about things vs. stewing in my fumes. I don't do as much stewing anymore and even if I'm mad, I never want my husband to feel cut off from my heart. My love is unconditional, even when I'm pissed.
Oh such a lovely point of view! I’ve been married for 7 years and with my husband since I was 16, exclusively. So together with him half of my life. 🤯 just realized this ha! We have one son who’s 2.5. What a wild journey for us to grow up together, and independently and indeed change from children into adults. It’s presented many challenges. It’s not always pretty and has been quite messy at times (we’ve endured several miscarriages and years to conceive, both of us being in that generation of absolutely shitty foundations, every jab under the sun and destroyed health). Then there was me in my oh so brainwashed and feminist liberal ways. Quite literally beating him down with my vicious words for a very long time.
Having my son and birthing him in my power broke me open in all the ways having children should and made me shift my reality and heal my own wounds. Realize the role I play in my husbands life and my own and take accountability. Fix it and do better so my son knows and receives better.
For us the biggest thing is we always want to choose each other. We have laid the foundation and know it’s not all sparks but actively wanting to do better for ourselves and each other. To show up the best we can. And oh forgiveness is massive. It takes time and dedication to unlearn and truly forgive. Leaving space for new growth and figuring out new patterns together has actually been a saving grace. We’ve walked so much alone in the past, as growing “independently”, and I feel we’re at the place now where we are growing together. It’s quite marvelous to see how much better our communication is now. How when you lay it all out there is no hiding any part of ourselves and it all gets tended to.
We trust each other deeply. We realize we’re human and constantly working on being the best version of ourselves but also know we will falter and have some shitty moments and old patterns revive. Holding each other and ourselves accountable is huge.
We’re currently working on rekindling our intimate life. My libido was shot after my son was born and I needed to work through many many years of trauma. It’s funny how women a lot of the time (including myself at one time) love to blame men for their lack of excitement in intimacy. Reality when we show up for ourselves and take ownership for ourselves and our pleasure WOW how so much changes.
Anyway thank you for continuing this conversation it’s really helpful to listen and learn from others ❤️
You know, I am absolutely loving reading all of these amazing comments. I wish I could just gather everyone up around a fire and talk into the wee hours of the morning. Thank you for sharing these wonderful insights, Alyssa. All of these comments make me feel so hopeful, I hope they do for others as well. I'm so glad you brought up forgiveness. That's a huge one. I grew up with blame and anger being the appropriate response to wrongs. To forgive felt like I was weakening my position of righteousness. If I was right, I should be able to stew in that glory, right?! But there's a big price to that. A big price to being more attracted to rightness than closeness. Not for me much anymore. Congratulation on the birth of your son and into your own power xo
As a newly married couple (just a little over a year) my husband and I are often told that we are just in the honeymoon phase still and things will get hard soon, don't you worry, and THEN we will know how hard marriage is for all who attempt it. But we still like *and* love each other, no matter what the unhappily married club has to say, and it's lovely to read others advice to take to heart.
Congratulations, Molly the Newlywed :) Yes, things will get hard and with hard comes great rewards, more intimacy, a closeness the two of you will forge with every hurdle scaled. Commitment first and foremost. Man, why would people say such things to a newlywed couple? Sourpusses.
My husband and I have been married 21 years next month. Second marriage for both of us. People all told us we were ‘just in the honeymoon phase’. We still hold hands, we still laugh, he’s the most amazing supporter and just loves me to pieces. I don’t always understand but I feel the same way about him. People still stop us and ask if we’re married. We’ve even had people respond when we say yes, “to each other?” So many people are unhappy. Makes me so sad. Sure, lots of bumps along the way: health issues, daughter with cancer, another daughter with big health issues, poor parenting of each of us in certain areas etc. If necessary, along the way, find a good counselor. We do regular ‘checkups’ to make sure we’re doing well and to help us work through some of the areas we may get stuck in. You can do it! It’s a commitment!
Where do I begin! First, I’m not married in the eyes of the state to my life partner. We’ve been together for ten years and legal marriage isn’t something we are for or against. My mother has been with my stepfather since 1986 but didn’t marry until the year 1999. My partner’s parents have been married for over 50 years. All of that gives us a unique perspective on love, commitment, and marriage. That being said, I will share some things that have worked for the success in our relationship!
1. Allow each other to just be. I fell in love with him by watching him live. Why would I want to change that? Why would I constantly critique his every decision about his life? He is a human having his own experience in life and rather than judge him, I inquire. I still love getting to know him; Seeing him live and breathe. He feels the same way about me. We are two people together, not one.
2. We are friends. Romance can be like the weather so when things dry up, we always have our friendship to keep things cool, fun, and balanced. Also, friendship helps us when we are not in the best of moments as a human being.
3. It doesn’t matter how one person sweeps or does the dishes. It matters that it gets done. I don’t get upset with my friends about not washing a dish at my house so why would I get upset with my partner, the love of my life, about this? We learned this by having a roommate when we first lived together. We were so nice when she didn’t do something related to household duties but with each other, we were cutting and critical. Having her live with us taught us how to treat one another gently with respect and kindness.
4. Every relationship needs a CEO, COO, and CFO with the ability to move in between positions. He is the CEO who makes decisions whereas I, the COO, know more about daily operations like buying groceries and supplies. When he’s not around, I ask myself what would be his preference and proceed with that in mind. Sometimes it comes down to what I think is best in the moment but for the most part, I present what we need to him and he pulls the trigger on what we do. This has been a wonderful surrender in femininity for me! I find I actually have more freedom and time to myself by letting him make many decisions.
5. Your lover is not out to get you! You are not competing with one another. No one wins. This is principle for us!
6. Treat finances like a business and money is always “our money.” A reality tv show (of all things) helped us to overhaul this in our financial relationship. We have meetings about money regularly. We create financial goals together. As a result we eliminated debt and created savings.
7. Seek help when needed. Use your resources! We went to couple’s therapy to help strengthen our relationship last year. We weren’t on the brink of ending or anything but 2020 sent us! Relationships are a huge investment of our energy so why wouldn’t we do everything we can to operate like a finely tuned vehicle?! That’s how we viewed therapy, as a maintenance check and we are so grateful that we sought that maintenance. Yes, the marriage/partnership is just you two but just like these blog comments or how our married friends teach us things by observing their relationship, it makes no sense not to seek help and counsel from others. We are not in this alone. Every person who stood with you on your wedding day made the commitment too so you don’t necessarily need a therapist either. That being said…
8. We define us! Society has a lot to say about what legitimizes a relationship. There are steps folk are supposed to take to be legitimate in the eyes of others that just don’t work for us. We love each other uniquely. We have our own rhythm and standards that work for us.
I’m sure I could go on but that’s more than sufficient! So wonderful to participate in this and I look forward to applying some of the wonderful working ideas from others in this thread. Thanks for the opportunity to share, Tara!
These are excellent points, Tracie. Thank you so much for sharing them. I feel like I should print out these amazing comments and distribute them to young people at universities or something. I'm so glad you brought up the finances, too. That's a big one and I think it's one that breaks a lot of couples from the sheer stress of mismanagement. And the points about the kindness extended to a roommate that wasn't extended to each other is so common isn't it? I've been around couples who snarl at each other and then act sweet as pie with others who have far less significance in their lives. Why do we do that? Save the worst of ourselves for our loves? It should be the opposite and something I strive for every day. But I love it all and I'm so glad you shared. :)
Haha, when we’re all in love and discussing building a life together, money is so far removed from the conversation when it has be in the top ten topics on the table! It’s usually something addressed after the vows and what a disservice that is! Some couple’s survive financial mismanagement and others are eaten alive by it. The show we watched was called, “Life or Debt” and it was a great kickstarter for our financial overhaul. We established a financial relationship together.
It was curious thing to observe in myself how, at times, I treated the person I care most about in the world worse than others in my life or even strangers. I think I had these expectations, some I’m not sure can be aptly described, that other people can be imperfect but not him. “You should know better. How could you not know….(because women think men are mind readers)? You have to give me what I want all the time or be what I want you to be all time. You can’t wrong me.” I’m not really sure if any of that describes it. I do know that women at times can be worse than men about whatever that phenomenon is. I think it’s what some call nagging. In a strange way I see it as mothering; that perhaps we sometimes step into a mothering mode of curbing behavior because that is what we learned love is. I didn’t want to be my lover’s mother. I can’t say that I ever nailed it down to a full understanding but I know I didn’t want that. I just knew it was something I no longer wanted to experience.
Yes to distribution to the young folk 😂. I will be bookmarking this page! That way I can reference it for myself and others. Thanks for holding a space for this!
This is such a great comment. Allowing each other to just be is key. I fell in love with and chose my partner so I will remind myself of that for the rest of our lives and try not to nag him or try to change him.
Lots of great points in here, but the financial one is something I need to work on!
Reading this post and all of the comments is beautiful as it shows real love and dedication that it takes to keep a relationship going after the beginning phases.
My man and I are celebrating 9 years together this summer. We joined forced when he was 16 and I, 15. We are each other's first everything and navigated the ups and downs of a teenage relationship and then through college, changes, family tragedies, moves, and are now finally living together in a new city.
After the initial electricity wears off, you must make the decision to choose your partner every day.
As you get caught up in the ebbs and flows of everyday life and work, it's the little things like remembering to make their favorite meal or coffee or helping with tasks though the day. For me it's remembering to always say thank you and not the get upset over little stupid things, as I like everything done in a certain way.
One thing we never forget is to say I love you. Any time we are feeling it. Even if that was 5 seconds ago.
Hoping to join the happily married club soon :) maybe the question will pop on our 10 yr anniversary ❤️
Beautiful, Giovanna. Thank you for sharing that with us. Please do report back should a certain question be popped! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you for this Tara! I hope to add my own thoughts when I have a second! I read through all the comments with my morning coffee this morning. Then ran and surprised my hubby in the shower 😉 it will be a good day 😊
YES! That's for sure! Thanks for that laugh :)
That's hilarious - and fantastic!
I love this and I’m so excited to read all the wisdom shared here. We’re 3.5 years and 2 kids in and WHEW marriage is hard 😂 especially the new parents stage. But at the same time, it is amazing and beautiful and I cannot imagine life without my husband, and I know that we’ve got something special - especially in today’s culture.
It is hard! Parenting little ones is hard, too! So many wonderful comments here. I need to get outside and do chores but I keep thinking, just one more, just one more... :)
My husband and I have been together almost 19 years, we met in college and have evolved so much
With 3 little kids we have developed strong communication that helps us navigate day to day more smoothly - like a weekly coffee morning talking about logistics of the week/month, even dividing things in terms of who will take on what tasks and chores depending on who’s wheelhouse it’s in or who has the capacity, a bi monthly date night is worth the cost of any sitter (sometimes we just get takeout and sit at the top of a hiking trail)
Above all I think a willingness to be open and ask for what we want and need. Definitely what you said about listening and not being defensive - wow that was a big one for me
I love these points, Kristen. I think the listening and not being defensive is big for all of us. It's so nice that you guys make dedicated time for each other. If we don't prioritize our relationships, what message are we sending? Thank you for sharing here.
Hi Tara! Thank you for your beautiful words! Always so inspiring, in every way!
My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, together for 3 years. We have been blessed with a beautiful 8 month old baby boy. And from previous relationships, we have 2 wonderful boys (10 and 13) and a sweet 14 year old girl. We are new at marriage but we are well versed in what doesn’t work in a relationship! We have both learned the hard way and God brought my husband into my life (literally He did! I had been praying for him for years, and my husband literally walked right into my life! (But that’s a story for another time!)). Our marriage has been the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and experienced. We have worked so hard for the connection and intimacy we have and we are constantly challenged by parenting kids that only half belong to us. But I can say we try to always practice gratitude and praise for each other and our children, we communicate constantly. I am used to being the quiet one who just takes it and sucks it up but with him I have always practised speaking up whenever something doesn’t sit right. And he is so receptive. He is my safe place, my protector, my leader and my lover. He cherishes me, respects me and listens to what I have to say. Every vulnerability I have shown him has always been met with such love and acceptance. He has his flaws too and I try to be as kind as he is to me. I know we’re still newly weds but I think that because we have been so hurt and wounded before it has kept us focused on our marriage and each other, and we treat it with the importance it should be treated with. Now it is clear to both of us just how important commitment and marriage are. It’s us, together. Together we are strong.
Thank you again for your beautiful words, constant authenticity and inspiration!
Dear Françoise, I just loved reading this. It brought me such joy to hear that you have found someone to walk through life with. I was just answering another comment above about what you so aptly illustrated - sometimes we don't have good examples of what we want, but we know what we don't want. That was the way for Troy and I. We would have never believed that a relationship like ours was in the cards for either of us. We both came from some tumultuous relationships and didn't see the type of marriage we wanted in anyone else. Maybe, that's enough in the beginning - to just know what you won't accept. Anyway, congratulations on the newest little bundle. What joy!
A post celebrating marriage, what joy! For us it is a simple rule of thumb. I never want to see a look of hurt on my man's face and he feels the same about me. And the other side of that, we delight in delighting each other. We keep humor in our relationship, always. We all make mistakes or do silly things but we don't take ourselves so seriously that we can't laugh about it. We tease, joke and play. Chores around the homestead go much easier when you allow a little play. And yes, pats on the bum, flirtatious glances, a timeout for hugs and kisses. But most important? We are friends....lifelong friends that also enjoy a good roll in the hay. 🥰
Love this, Bonnie! How wonderful and sweet and playful! What a thing to have your dearest friend so close to you always. I'm so happy for you both. Thank you for sharing this!
We've been married 8 years and it seems short and long. Our dating years and first few years were incredibly hard and painful in many areas. I came from a somewhat dysfunctional home and also had serial trauma. It took years of love and patience on his part and going to therapy together to really resolve that. Now we connect sexually in ways i never dreamt possible and I'm only starting to understand how important it is.
It wasn't long after we were married before I realized I could not use him to make me look good or try to manipulate him into the type of person I wanted. Thankfully I was able to understand the deeper desire that was driving that and work through that.
I can't imagine being married to anyone else and i miss him everyday while he's at work.
So much good stuff shared here!
Beautiful insights, Louella. It's been so wonderful for me to read so many of these comments and to realize how important introspection and self-reflection are to harmony and growth in marriage. Your story is beautiful and I am sure your lives together will continue to bloom in ways you don't even know about yet.
we're 4 and a half years, and right from the beginning, its always felt like 1 year, and simultaneously 15.
"Poem for the Golden Wedding of My Puritan Grandparents", by Canadian poet Alden Nowlan.
Their love was sister to the starving deer
and brother to December. Had he called
her "darling" in his annual drunkenness,
(for he got drunk at Christmas) her lean lips
would have recoiled as when she tasted milk
that had gone sour or observed a girl
in little breeches. So he always spoke
of her as "the old lady", "ma" or "Maud."
And in their fifty years they never kissed.
But when he withered of the fanged disease
that ate his vitals till he lived on slop
and sat in silence louder than a groan,
we children marvelled how she sometimes sat
for hours simply staring at his face,
and how before they closed the box she bent
with awful eagerness to pat his hand.
Enduring love comes in all sorts of form.
As it should. Thank you for sharing this. Kind of reminded me of my grandparents. My grandpa would chase my grandma around the house and pinch her bum and always be talking about how gorgeous she was and my grandma would feign horror and call him names. She died three months after he did. It was here together or both gone together. I miss them.
7 years married and 3 children under 5. He is very good at most of the above and me less so but I'm working on being less judgmental and on my libidio! But through that self work and healing it's becoming more difficult for me to share with him. I guess you could say I am waking up to the true reality and he is not. He sees the change I have gone through and is glad my health is in a better state but doesn't understand some of what I'm saying, and I appreciate my world view has fundamental shifted. I'd love some guidance for any couples whom may have gone through this. 💓
Could you be more specific, Alexandra? In general, there are many times in a relationship where one partner changes, outpaces another in different areas, evolves into ways of being that the other doesn't. That's continuous if we're continuously growing. I don't think our partners need to think like we do or be interested in the things we are if they still support and encourage us.
He supports me when it comes to changes in my own lifestyle but not fully when it comes to those about our children. An example of difficult discussion we have is whether to give the jab to our twins when they turn five. We both got it 3x but I since have become aware of much you have written about in the past. If I express my concerns he finds them irrational. "How could it be bad it's tested and proven safe." He trusts authority, it's very much part of his identity, where I have been skeptical, especially of western medicine, most of my life. My skepticism developed while watching my mother slowly die from MS, she was even beyond western interventions at that time, not given immune modulating drugs. So he sees why I could feel that way but sees these as unhealthy and irrational thoughts and I do/have had anxiety since we met. At the same time we have dreamt of living off the land we live on in MB and we agree in many ways how we want to live. At least in theory, I have started to put that in practice more than he. Anyways, at this point we agreed no jab on their 5th bday, our understanding of that decision is based on different premises in some respects. I hope I made some sense. It's a turbulent time in the greater world and my inner.
I hesitate to speak to this because I hardly feel like I qualify.
My husband and I have been married 8 years and we've had 2 major (and many smaller) things to work through.
The first was church stuff which I would question why and how our church did things and he felt that was disrespectful. This put a real damper on our early years.
The 2nd thing was covid. I too was raised to be somewhat more skeptical of western medicine while he would blindly have trusted everything.
In both those instances I said things to him and confronted him in ways I later regretted.
Finally I learned to let it all go. I shared my feelings and thoughts with him and tried to come from a position of not being judgemental but simply letting him know this is how I feel. Then I had to let it go!
I learned to let it go and trust that God had a greater plan and that real truth would eventually be shown.
In the covid case, he eventually looked at some of the articles and videos I was looking at and saw the truth for himself.
Oh dear I don't know if this is helpful at all! It sounds like I'm saying sit back and lie flat like a doormat and that is not at all what I mean! I think you do need to let him know how you feel.
I am also coming from a traditional roles type of setting
Hugs❤
I am so glad you did speak on this. It is so good to know other couples have made it through big transitions. This morning I up brought making time to discuss our diet. At first he was resistant and a little mean. But after he came back and apologized and is on board to having a discussion and developing a plan to remove processed foods. While a part of me wants him to allow me to take the lead on this, I should also be grateful that he wants a say and try to understand what I have come to understand around nutrient dense foods.
He even told me that he took the kids to the grocery store last night, while I was on the road for the day, and when they asked for bread and chips he said no! It made our middle daughter even cry but he did not give in. Hearing this made me so proud and happy. He really is so very dedicated to me and I him, and is why I only want the best food for him and my family.
It sounds like I need to have a more patience with him (not my strong suit) and give him time, baby steps. He does believe in a growth mindset and a healthy lifestyle the question is what does that look like. The food industry really have us wrapped around their little finger. Breaking free from that is not easy but I am starting to see the way, and I have trust that he will follow, maybe not as quickly as I'd like. Patience and Time. Thank you all for your input. I am looking forward to getting to know you all. 🙏❤️
Thanks for sharing, Alexandra. I’ve been on differing sides with my partner when it came to decisions about food and nutrition. After some time, I learned that men have to arrive at these things on their own and as their women we lead through inspiration! Or they hear it from another man…that also works 🙄😂🤷🏾♀️🙏🏾. Time will also do it’s job. I do hope you continue to move through these spaces with the grace and patience!
Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is clear that patience, grace, love and time are more important than ever, but all things I struggle with. Yay, for self-growth, I am here for it.
This is a great comment and I agree. You can lead a horse to water, but... then you have to let go. So hard!
12 years together, 3 kids under 8 and an intercontinental move under our belts now too. I have always found our growth isn't synchronised, that one or the other will move through intense periods of growth without the other, but it's always happened on a bedrock of respect, an appreciation of where we have come from and what it took for our relationship to actually survive what is been through, and the essence of our world outlook has stayed the course, even though its evolved considerably since we first met.
So much encouraging wisdom here to ponder and soak in. Thanks to all who have shared!
I agree, such great sharing!
These are so lovely to read. Im just sitting in a bath enjoying them. I will add my own comment, bit for now i like just reading the ones that are there
Me, too :)
32 years for our relationship.
7 years together as nonmarried couple( from the beginning of our adolescence, were first for each other),
and + 25 years married , 3 kids : 13,16 and 18.
What helped the most when we thought its too much busyness and tiredness (jobs, small kids and building a farm)
---having the common goal + learning how to quarrel without bad after feelings.
And yes - pats on the bum !
32 years, Modesta! That is absolutely wonderful! Learning how to quarrel without bad feelings is an excellent, and difficult, skill. I've learned that teasing my husband with a smile about things that drive me a little nutty has a much better effect than nagging like a sourpuss. :)
I read all of the comments here so far. Thank you all for sharing. I am in a long term relationship that is not supporting me or filling my cup. I have spoken my needs many many times but I am not heard. My friend recently gifted me a houseplant. I cohabitated with the new plant for a couple days before my friend told me the name of the plant. The plant is called Mother of Thousands. This name landed like a freight train in my lap because I suddenly realized that I am in fact a Mother of Thousands. I mother everything and everyone. I am totally depleted, malnourished on every level, and exhausted. I am neglected in my relationship. I am not cherished or nurtured. Thank you for shedding your lights on all the shadowy corners that we tend to try and overlook in an effort to continue within our comfortable places in relationships that do not fill our cups.
And nobody can fill you up when you're not taking care of yourself. Big hugs to you, Portia. Mother yourself first. xo
Like some others here, I knew what I didn’t want. I came with a ton of baggage from my previous, abusive relationship with my kids dad. It took me years of settling in to my love with the amazing human I’m with now to really unpack that previous relationship and realize that it wasn’t all my fault and that I am not crazy.
I was very fresh out of that relationship when we met, and he had been single and searching for two years. He says he manifested me. When we met, we hung on tight, even though it was so hard with kids from previous marriages and my rather vile ex. We just knew we were for each other.
I could go on forever about him. He seems to take his place in the relationship so naturally and effortlessly, not just in his strong, masculine role but also in his softness and openness to his feminine side. He’s shockingly healthy emotionally and it’s just lovely.
He supports me with his steadiness, his leadership, his labour to provide for our family.
He starts my car and scrapes my windshield in the winter.
He always says I’m the most beautiful woman, the best cook, the sweetest and most supportive, and every time I can feel his absolute sincerity.
He sees the strengths in my weaknesses. Even the things that drive him crazy about me, like my absentminded approach to housework. He says it’s the same trait that make me so laid back and so he loves that part of me too.
He is beyond steady and provides the structure for our life as a family and as a couple.
We do things for each other in an almost ritualized way. I bring him coffee and eggs in his office in the morning. He calls me in the afternoon when he’s passing through town to see if I want anything from the store.
We always hold hands in the car. One hand for the wheel, and one for him. Sometimes I drive with a knee if I also have a coffee and I realize that’s going too far but hey. He has more sense if he’s the one driving.
We say thank you and acknowledge acts of service to each other and the family.
We say “I love you” many times each day, from a groggy, slurred “I love you” as I get out of bed in the early morning, to a whispered one as he spoons me to sleep.
We cuddle every night.
I never, ever put a “leash” on him. He’s social and I’m a hermit, but if he wants to go out with friends after work, golf for half the weekend, take his daughter on a trip so they can spend quality time together, I always encourage him. He is so grateful for that. To me it’s natural to not control another adult, but he tells me I’m a unicorn among women ;)
He never fails to make appreciative comments if ever he catches me in a state of undress, and I live to see him working outside with his shirt off (a too infrequent occurrence, but really, I could never get enough). He tries to position himself behind me at the gym when we’re lifting. If I don’t always have the energy for sex, I try to make up for it by going all out and treating him like a king in bed. I don’t think there’s a more effective way to make a man feel loved.
All I have to say here is love and appreciation for my guy and what we share, so thank you Tara for making me think about it so much. I love a person who’s way too good for me, who thinks I’m way too good for him. What could be better?
Toxic relationship ideas that I had to deal with and heal from:
Love doesn’t mean sparks and flame. Those are the early days, and they are exciting and wonderful. But they fade to a soft, warm, strong glow if you tend the coals.
Women and men are DIFFERENT. That is something to honour and celebrate! Settling into my feminine role, as defined by our families needs, has been one of the biggest contributors to my fulfillment. And instead of being uncomfortable with the ways of men, seeing them as less evolved women, I’ve come to appreciate men so much for their wonderful masculine traits that the world, and us women, so need. We don’t need to always relate to one another and understand each other fully. We bend around each other’s differences, fill in the gaps and honour each other’s contributions and abilities.
It’s not only ok to lean on your partner, it’s necessary. I used to think I had to do, if not everything, then an exact division of the labour. Contribute an income, do most if not all of the housework, cooking and childcare (because my income was smaller), no sick days, no concessions, as if I was worse than an employee to my family. My ex reinforced this idea. Asking my man for help when I need it has been a hard adjustment, but one of the best changes I’ve made. It makes us both feel loved and cared for.
And here’s one from my previous relationship: don’t stick with a mistake. If you’re with someone who doesn’t and can’t share your values, doesn’t and can’t reflect on themselves, treats you poorly… just leave. Leaving was the best thing I did, even though we had kids. I know it’s never that simple, and it was far from that simple for me, but if you never should have stayed in the first place and it isn’t getting better, don’t hang on to the commitment. It’s hard to know, when you’re in that situation, whether it will get better if you both learn to relationship better. I’ll just say that I couldn’t have ever been happy with my kids dad, and now with my love (after a rough patch in the beginning that only had to do with what we brought to the relationship) it’s so easy to see us growing old together in love and admiration.
This is just beautiful, Karla. Thank you for sharing your warm and loving relationship with us. It's so wonderful to hear about functional, thriving relationships instead of all of the doom and gloom we're told is normal. I have never understood the control of our loved ones either. I love my man, I want him to do the things he loves to do because it fulfills him and a fulfilled love is a really great one to have around. :)
oh my gosh, your comment almost made me cry (the good kind). he manifested you.... that was almost the dam breaker. <3333 so much of you reminds me of us, and from a side view, i can see exactly why it works so well for us. "we do things for each other.." i love this. i used to wake up early and make him breakfast, he used to wake up early(er) on weekends to do the dishes and make me coffee. he works long, laborious days, and those can be ruthless. i sometimes rub his feet if i can't sleep. he somehow knows the next morning, both the insomnia and the foot rub.
"we always hold hands in the car" have you ever had an irrational fear that you might grab the hand of the non-SO passenger in your car? this is legitimately a fear of mine :'D
"never ever put a 'leash' on him" it really is so odd to try to control another adult person. i'm the social one here, and he isnt, and i worry he'll be lonely if i'm not around (like i would be). he encourages me to go spend time with my friends, and be sociable even without him.
thank you for sharing. seeing appreciation brings about all the more appreciation.
He has actually shown me a piece of paper, which he still has, that lists the things he wanted in life when he was in a lonely and kind of lost place before we met. One was a brief description of the kind of woman and relationship he was looking for, which he says is me 😭
Now I do have the irrational hand holding fear, thanks a lot hahaha
If your husband is anything like me, he likes those alone times in at home when you’re out with friends. I never feel lonely, only refreshed.
Wowsa! Savoring all these different points of view....i started June w an intention of being curious about connection and this post found me, lol! So many paths to explore here....We have been married 26 years in October this year, 2 kids, 17 moves and still working all this ‘marriage stuff’ vulnerability, intimacy...but I can share that something shifted for me maybe 4 or 5 years ago when I realized that I had been living in a “masculine” energy...trying to do “everything”, not recognizing I have a team; then I realized what was off was my own focus and energy being depleted by being a cowboy and keeping all the balls in the air, but what really makes me thrive is “my team” and leaning into true “feminine” energy and letting my husband lead. It was the “letting the lead go while embracing creating the environment the home, the garden...he on the other hand was free to lead without “criticism”. We both became happier, and created shared plans and dreams together, rather than just punchlists. I wasnt really aware of what I was doing, being controlling, but growing up in the 80’s women were told they needed to “do it all” and subconsciously it rooted..So now, our marriage is together, we are a team. We continue the quest for even more intimacy, savoring moments and the unfolding of our lives as our kids get older, 15 and 8 are the ages of our kids (we had our 1st 10 years into marriage) and our marriage softens the harshness of life, it is a safe place where we look to connect. Thank you for this thread and conversation🤍(and to Troy for also sharing his point of view)
I'm so glad you contributed to this thread, Trish. You've been married 26 years and you exemplify an openness to continuous growth and curiosity which is necessary for any sort of evolving. You and I share a very similar path. I grew up in the 70s/80s under that same messaging. What a destructive force. It wasn't until, like you, I started questioning if I had to keep struggling and pushing myself to have worth by measuring up to men, doing the men things, that things started drastically changing for me and for us. It felt like learning a foreign language, to try and connect with my feminine (which is not, I learned, a weakening but an empowerment). I think so many women are stuck in that quagmire, knowing something isn't quite working, but not being able to figure out what that is. We had the same experience as you and your husband did when we untangled from the narrative and started relaxing into what worked for us and it's been a beautiful journey full of so much more peace and intimacy and respect than I could have ever imagined. I am so happy for you and your family.
Thanks for starting this conversation! (I'm not married, we're engaged after a long 6 year defacto relationship!) I just wanted to share that I was nodding my head to all comments of detrimental.. and to all the below. I have a story for each comment, unpleasant and nice to reflect on :)
Thank you, Jess, I've really been enjoying reading all of these comments, too. Congratulations on your engagement!
Wow, what an amazing and refreshing take on this. The advice and stories here are beautiful, and many are things that my husband have done as well. We have been together for 20 years now (married for 13 this year), and I will be 40 at the end of the year (wow, where does time go??). We have done a lot of growing up together. Always evolving and adjusting, and holding space for eachother while we navigate this crazy wonderful life. I will just reiterate that clear and loving communication is so important. That making time to connect with eachother, especially when the kids are little, is critical. Thank you for this post!
Thank you, Angelina, I couldn't agree more. Congratulations to you and your husband on your enduring union. And, I agree, there are so many beautiful comments here. Much better than the "ten best things to make your marriage spicy" bs touted in the land of the soundbite. :)
My aunt told me many years ago:
Men are strong like oak trees - deeply rooted, strong and tall, not easily swayed. Men are protectors, hunter-gatherers, providers, knowledgeable and logical.
Women are strong like willow trees - providing amazing shade, growing well in well-watered places, more 'soft' than oak trees.
Women are nurturers, nourishers, caretakers, providing the softness and essence to home and life, kinda like broody hens.
I have loved that picture and often thought of it throughout our short marriage.
That's beautiful, Louella. I will keep that imagery with me. Thank you for sharing your aunt's wisdom with us.
Thank you for sharing Tara, lots to think about. What brought you two to the realization of wanting to spend your lives together? And what are your thoughts on knowing whether you can make it work with someone?
As corny as it is, Daph, it was the gates of heaven opening up and sounding the trumpets on our very first kiss :) I always thought he was too good for me. He thought I was too good for him. I suppose that says something. I think if you meet someone that is virtuous and you hold similar principles and values and are both committed to doing whatever it takes to make things work, you're starting off in a pretty good place. So many people don't even know what they want. I didn't. I didn't have any good married role models around me, but I knew what I absolutely did not want and sometimes that's a good a place as any to start.
I am curious what others definition of traditional roles sound like?
Masculine- the energy, the sun, the guide, the doer
Feminine- the space, the moon, the receiver, the holder, the nurturer/nourisher
But we all have a balance of both... I think in today's culture it can look all kinds of ways. Letting the man lead, and knowing your role is just as important and doesnt lessen you. In some families the woman works and man caretakes but maybe she lets him lead in other ways to honor his masculine role...
I studied Ayurveda and in India the women did the cooking and baby/home caretaking and medicine making. The men would be the "gurus" yogis and teachers or workers, seemingly in superior roles, the women were in the background humbly living Ayurvedic daily life and allowing their men to teach and work, by nourishing their families the women were of utmost importance the men knew they could not do without them. Could not teach and work without their woman's nourishment. I think its a humbling factor, not belittlement to women. But requires profound respect from man.
Beautifully said, Kacey. I like the way you said, "it's a humbling factor, not belittlement to women. But requires profound respect from man." Absolutely. Whoever would judge the nourishment and care of a woman as less a contribution than the strength and force of a man has not stopped to consider the limitations of a poorly loved man (which is what we are seeing in big ways right now).
Stopping to consider....”the limitations of a poorly loved man”....I need to think this out...but this statement gave me great pause; what are the limitations of a poorly loved man and actually what is the opposite....a well loved man?
i hope im not barging here, but i think some limitations of a poorly loved man can be things like: few, or no ambitions; loneliness, or retreating into themselves; anger, sometimes. when we as humans don't feel loved, it can take such a toll on our emotions and mentality; low confidence, or self-pity. these are all things i've witnessed, and it makes me so sad.
a well loved man, though. he is confidence itself, he emanates such a warmth and a gravitational pull that people can't (or won't?) fight. people just want to talk to him, children are drawn to him. he can do anything, or so it seems. he carries himself with the grace and authority of a leader, whether or not he has Leadership Skills. he just seeps with kindness and a genuineness.
sometimes, you can tell by a man's demeanor if he is well loved, and it is entirely heartbreaking when he isn't.
You have said this so beautifully, Pea. I have little to add, only a reinforcement of your words. I've never known a poorly loved man to complain that his woman isn't loving him the way he wants to be loved. Women, on the other hand, generally have little problem communicating such things. And just like you said, there's a withdrawal and steeling of their spirits. A well loved man, like a well loved woman, is a beautiful, solid expression of a human exuding peace and confidence to be fully realized however that may look for them.
I love that way of understanding.
In our household, he is the head. He values my input and will let me take the lead on things that he knows I am better at, but his word is the final say. He makes the majority of the money. I handle basically all the cooking and cleaning and he lets me make the house beautiful. We both work on the garden. At the core of it all, I love serving him and making his life better in any little ways I can, and he loves providing for me and making sure I feel safe. I think that last part, where our hearts are in what we're trying to do for the other, is the most traditional part.
Gorgeous, Rebecca. A life of service to those we love is the highest honour and, for me, where peace and joy live.
This explains it very well and exactly how we look at it too!
That is beautiful.
Marriage FIRST. Always. That’s what’s worked for us, 22 years in. #always