marriage glue

what's worked for us

“Portrait of a Couple”, Frans Hals, 1622

One of the great gifts of being with someone for a long time is that you come to understand that not every ebb in your relationship is a calamity.  It’s not a sign of breakdown or collapse. It’s just an ebb, and soon the return of the flow. It wasn’t like that in the early days of our marriage. Then, those times flux felt like our relationship was in imminent danger of demise. Even today, we have days when the jive is less smooth and the connection more interrupted. It’s just that we take those days for what they are, understanding they are more indicative of a sour mood or a stressful circumstance than the viability of ‘us’.

We’re shown ridiculous ideas of relationships through the culture of our media and entertainment. Love stories over-romanticize or show relationships that are more about power dynamics than intimate connection. Often, in our modern entertainment, men are portrayed as imbeciles or props for the women who come in, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads, to fix things. Conversations with girlfriends around a table of cocktails inevitably turns into sharing complaints about the men in their lives. This is shown as normal and maybe even healthy. Best to let it out. We can all relate. The worrisome thing is that I’ve seen young women emulate these behaviours.

It turns out there was very little in our cultural offerings that were helpful to us in figuring out how to be married. Never mind what it took to stay committed when things got tough. We just had to figure out what the things were that brought us closer and what the things were that felt hurtful or caused us to divide. There’s a good deal of courage in deciding to be faithful to your marriage above all else. And there’s a good deal of courage involved in rejecting accepted norms and coming up with things that work for you. When I say “deciding to be faithful”, I mean faithful in the sense of monogamy, yes, but it’s beyond that. I mean faithful to the sanctity of your marriage. I mean, loyal in heart and mind to this entity that is ‘marriage’. It’s an idea bigger than self - two people choosing to share their lives to create something more robust and vital then either of the two could create separately.

I suppose this means there is some sort of structure there, some set of rules or agreed upon ways of being in that marriage. I tried to think of what those are. I don’t ever remember sitting down with a pen and writing out our marriage rules. This way of being in our marriage is something that evolved organically over the years. We had to have strife and conflict in order for us to see what we didn’t want. We had to have conversations about hard things and deal with our stuff openly even when what we really wanted was to just walk away and avoid the conflict altogether. It’s been a lot of committed work and perseverance.

“Die Beerensammler”, Fritz Ebel Beerensammler, 1894

What I see now, that I couldn’t quite see so clearly then, is that in each of those scraggy valleys, we were gathering seeds to plant. We didn’t see the fruit of our efforts right away. What plant blooms in an instant? Instead, over time, we saw that the beautiful hilltops were growing more and more wildflowers that brought more abundance, more warmth from the sun and joy from the wildlife. Different birdsong filled our ears. Trees heavy with fruits and nuts grew thick, offering us shade and leisure. We could see down, into those valleys that once felt so hopeless and dark, and notice from our vantage point that it was only a blip and what felt like forever was simply us climbing forward. Onward and upward! We had to use our muscles to propel us and we had to feed our hope. Even in those darker times it was especially important to hold our marriage as sacred, more important than our own comfort or desires.

So, yeah, I guess there have been some rules that have emerged out of our marriage. They’re more “ways of being” or agreements than rules. We don’t talk about them, they just come naturally now. I suspect there will be more added as we continue to evolve and grow together. Nobody told us these things when we were young and confused. We had to figure them out. I thought some of these might be useful for those of you in those early years of your marriages. Alright, I’ll share what we’ve got so far. 

• We never, ever call each other names. No matter how mad we get. Never. Respect is integral. No matter how mad or frustrated we might get, we never shout or demean the other person. Some words can never be taken back. They are wounds you may have to spend a lifetime trying to repair. We take care with our words and our positions, listening to each other’s perspective. If I am rash or hurtful I apologize no matter how right I think I am. Being hurtful is never justified. 

• We try to be silly at least a couple of times a day. It’s not like we plan it. And, granted, I’m a sillier person than my husband, but it helps to not be so darn serious all the time. Be a goofball. Be a pervert with each other. Men always like a wife grabbing his buns all the time. Let your wife/husband know how irresistible they are.

• That leads into intimacy. It’s not good enough to ‘not want sex’. If you don’t want sex and it’s going on for more than a few weeks, you have an issue you need to address. It’s not fair to your man/woman to be so in love and want to be intimate and be rejected. Sexual intimacy is paramount in a relationship. You are each other’s sole possibility at expressing such passion. If that’s not there, do something about it, don’t just accept it and expect that your partner has to live a celibate life alongside you.

• Be loyal above all else. Yes, this means the same loyal as I mentioned before under “faithful” - that’s just a given. But it also means in word and deed. Don’t complain about your husband or wife to other people. To young women and men, I would say definitely don’t go to your parents with marital issues. That’s a terrible mistake. Your marital problems are just you hanging out in that valley I mentioned. They are an opportunity to strengthen the weave of your marriage. If you speak of your spouse to other people, do so with love and affection. Leave the problems between the two of you to remedy.

• When we got married, we were forged as a couple. That means, no matter what, we remain a united front. When it came to raising the kids, there were times I would have done things differently from my husband. I’m sure he could say the same. Regardless, we had each other’s backs. If he said no, my answer was no, too. We kept the disagreements and negotiations behind closed doors.

  This also applied to other people in our lives. We went through some very painful and trying times with extended family. After years of attempts to find ways that we could continue on with those relationships, we realized that they were too damaging to our family and we had to end them. Everyone in your lives should respect your marriage and your family. Don’t ignore those hard-to-get-along-withs in your life thinking it’s better to just keep the peace. You’re not keeping the peace, you’re acquiescing. Your family is your central focus. 

• We encourage and applaud each other. My husband comes up with the strangest things to be interested in. He gets into all manner of things. I love that about him. He would say the same about me. I might be ravenous about ravens for months on end, reading everything I can get my hands on about them and even try to befriend one that lives by us and then, the next day, I wake up and decide I’m going to start wood turning. He supports all of my interests, either by buying me a lathe or just sitting and having conversations with me about what I’m learning. It goes both ways. Our individual passions bring breadth and meaning to our lives which can only bring breadth and meaning to our relationships.

  We also openly compliment each other on the things we’ve taken on and are accomplishing in our lives. The world isn’t lining up to give each of us a pat on the back every time we bring out the garbage or make a nice meal, but we can do that for each other. A little boost is within our power to bestow. I have seen my husband do the hardest of things in the toughest of environments and I’ve seen him do the sweetest of things in the softest of environments. I remind myself to share what those things mean to me and our family. These aren’t grand gestures of thanks, these are daily little eye-to-eye connections with some words of affection and a kiss.

• We always wake up and go to sleep together. This can be tough when you have little kids, especially in the first year or so. But it’s a worthy practice that has paid us dividends. We have always gone to bed and woken up together. When our kids were small, it was a nice time for us to read and have a little chat before snoozing. Now, it’s just unthinkable not to. 

• We have always shared money. When I was a stay at home mom with three little kids, living on a small military salary, we did our budget together every two weeks. Sometimes those meetings were stressful. Neither of us came from backgrounds where we had great money management skills and our paycheques barely paid for our living expenses. We developed a system of putting cash in envelopes that we used for “groceries”, “gas”, “clothes” etc.. At the time, it felt like something I didn’t even want to be a part of because it forced us to face how tight things were.

  Those days brought us to these days where we still do our money together. Years ago we bought Dave Ramsey’s book on money and stuck with it. This year we’re going to pay off our mortgage. Pretty good given that our first mortgage was taken out about thirteen years ago. Those early days of pinching pennies really did come to serve us. We are both on the same page with our money. We’ve discussed it at length. We use money to enrich the quality and security of our lives, not for things. In this way, we’ve been able to chip away aggressively on our mortgage knowing that there is more time together when that is finally paid off. 

  Because money is such a common source of stress in a marriage, I’m going to add here that it was about year five into our marriage that we realized that using credit cards was incredibly destructive and in opposition to what we were trying to achieve. We got rid of them entirely, save one that we had for booking hotels etc… Today, we have them for online purchases but the deal is that the money has to be there to pay them off immediately. We never carry a balance.

• Shared goals. I’ve written before about having a mission statement in a marriage. I’ve also shared that our word, steadfast, succinctly and aptly defines our marriage to each of us. No matter what, we remain steadfast. Sometimes that means one of us has to carry the load more than the other. That’s okay. We remain. In order for us to continue on from where we were to where we are to where we are going, we need to share a common purpose. 

  I think a lot of couples just assume that when they jive with someone, the purpose is there. We’re going to be together. But there has to be some sort of path, some north star to which we set your sails. The older you get, the more you come to realize this. When our kids were small, our purpose was to parent. It’s easy to get lost in that. But it’s essential that the marriage is coveted and revered, even in those days. Especially in those days. It takes nothing, really nothing, to just share a sweetness and a moment with your spouse. 

  I’m starting to know more couples that are divorcing in mid-life. The kids have moved on and they’re in the house together, looking at each other bewildered. Who are you? Our kids grow up. They move on. They have their own families and their own lives. Of course we are forever connected, buy our relationships change and we are left with ourselves.

We never stopped pursuing our interests and passions, even when the kids were hiding in my apron strings. The limited dollars we had then always felt so restrictive but I’m genuinely grateful for that time in my life when I learned to value money and, more importantly the quality of life we can build despite a small salary. I still use the library and used book stores. I still shop in vintage and antique stores. I still buy whatever we don’t grow in bulk directly from the people that make it.

My husband could work full time and we could be in a much better financial situation than we are - at least on paper. But that’s not what drives us. That was never our purpose. It’s the quality of life that we are building, spending time with each other and our family and friends. Today, we have more time to pursue those things. Our dreams of one day spending hours canoeing together or sitting on our porch watching fireflies, or spending the energy and time of our lives growing our own food on our own little farm tucked away in the woods are all unfolding. And the best part is that we’re doing it with each other, our very favourite persons in all the land. 

“Gallant Scene”, Francesco Bergamini, 1900

What about you? Are you in a relationship? Have you been married a long time? Are there ways of being that you and your spouse have naturally developed that have brought you to a place of deep love and admiration for one another? I’d love to hear what’s worked for you.