Thank you - I took it as a sign and reminder to go to my husband and look him in the eyes and say I'm sorry for something unkind that I said in a moment of frustration yesterday. It works - it opens you up to each other rather than putting up walls between you. I want to be about the business of building people up (especially those closest to me) instead of tearing them down.
But wanting that is not enough - I have to be willing to say I'm sorry and own when I speak unkindly or behave in a way that doesn't line up to with my conviction and calling.
I wonder at the power of words often. I read awhile ago about how rare it was for our parents’ generation to apologize to their children, to us, if they ever did at all.
That article made me realize how common it was in our little family to apologize to one another. Parents to children and partner to partner and child to child and child to parent.
I wonder now, at the delivery of the social worker’s intent. I have worked with many people, exceedingly women, who say they are sorry too much. They take blame and responsibility for things that they needn’t, and apologize for those. Also true with the word “just.” “I was just...” or “I just need...”
There’s something in the corporate world that can require this language, usually from women. And it is something that diminishes them in the eyes of those who would elevate their careers or shine light on their good work. And yet those same people often implicitly require that diminishing.
I hear my daughter picking up on this over-apologizing. I’m not sure if it’s from neighborhood friends, cartoons, or where, but in her seventh year she increased her “sorries” from things she was responsible for, harm or hurt she had caused and reflected upon, to anything that someone else might not like, whether it was her realm of influence or not. So I’ve been talking with her this year about her powerful voice, which includes sincere “sorries,” so that words she speaks retain their power when she chooses to use them, and do not lose meaning to the level of surface or unfelt.
It's a good point. I think instead of teaching people to avoid apologising, we should be spending time talking about accountability, self-reflection, empathy, and humility. Instead, as it is in our binary culture, we over-correct drastically and cause another set of problems.
The social worker comment doesn't surprise me at all. When I first read that, I thought that sounds like gaslighting the other person and very narcissistic. If you know gaslighting and narcissistic traits you can spot it pretty easy in todays society and media.
Like Chicago says, "It's hard to say I'm sorry".... and then when it's followed by, "will you please forgive me?" And then you love, love, love each other and are so sorry that you hurt each other!
My understanding of sorry was that it could only be used in situations where your screw up was accidental and unintentional. (I bumped into you coming around a corner, I dropped something I was passing off to you, etc.) If you were premeditated or intentional in your hurtful actions, the only thing to be said was to directly ask for forgiveness. "Will you forgive me for _____?" It gives the listener the power balance in the wronged situation where you unbalanced it from your selfishness, rudeness, unkindness, etc.
Why is "power balance" involved in trying to mend a division? I can't ask for forgiveness if I have not first expressed my sorrow, offered my sorry, for whatever it is that has happened. Sorry is a proclamation of my wrong. To me, sorry is an offering, forgiveness is an ask. My sorry is not conditional on their forgiveness. In a healthy relationship, forgiveness is granted in return, without the request for it. That's how I see it, how it's worked for me in my loving relationships both with other people and spiritually. You may see it differently and that's wonderful, too.
Thank you - I took it as a sign and reminder to go to my husband and look him in the eyes and say I'm sorry for something unkind that I said in a moment of frustration yesterday. It works - it opens you up to each other rather than putting up walls between you. I want to be about the business of building people up (especially those closest to me) instead of tearing them down.
But wanting that is not enough - I have to be willing to say I'm sorry and own when I speak unkindly or behave in a way that doesn't line up to with my conviction and calling.
I'm so glad to hear that, Saralyn. A little balm of words to bring you and that fella' back together. So sweet.
I wonder at the power of words often. I read awhile ago about how rare it was for our parents’ generation to apologize to their children, to us, if they ever did at all.
That article made me realize how common it was in our little family to apologize to one another. Parents to children and partner to partner and child to child and child to parent.
I wonder now, at the delivery of the social worker’s intent. I have worked with many people, exceedingly women, who say they are sorry too much. They take blame and responsibility for things that they needn’t, and apologize for those. Also true with the word “just.” “I was just...” or “I just need...”
There’s something in the corporate world that can require this language, usually from women. And it is something that diminishes them in the eyes of those who would elevate their careers or shine light on their good work. And yet those same people often implicitly require that diminishing.
I hear my daughter picking up on this over-apologizing. I’m not sure if it’s from neighborhood friends, cartoons, or where, but in her seventh year she increased her “sorries” from things she was responsible for, harm or hurt she had caused and reflected upon, to anything that someone else might not like, whether it was her realm of influence or not. So I’ve been talking with her this year about her powerful voice, which includes sincere “sorries,” so that words she speaks retain their power when she chooses to use them, and do not lose meaning to the level of surface or unfelt.
It's a good point. I think instead of teaching people to avoid apologising, we should be spending time talking about accountability, self-reflection, empathy, and humility. Instead, as it is in our binary culture, we over-correct drastically and cause another set of problems.
Agreed.
The social worker comment doesn't surprise me at all. When I first read that, I thought that sounds like gaslighting the other person and very narcissistic. If you know gaslighting and narcissistic traits you can spot it pretty easy in todays society and media.
True. It's everywhere.
Like Chicago says, "It's hard to say I'm sorry".... and then when it's followed by, "will you please forgive me?" And then you love, love, love each other and are so sorry that you hurt each other!
This really resonated with me today. Beautifully written xx
thank you, Lauren.
My understanding of sorry was that it could only be used in situations where your screw up was accidental and unintentional. (I bumped into you coming around a corner, I dropped something I was passing off to you, etc.) If you were premeditated or intentional in your hurtful actions, the only thing to be said was to directly ask for forgiveness. "Will you forgive me for _____?" It gives the listener the power balance in the wronged situation where you unbalanced it from your selfishness, rudeness, unkindness, etc.
Why is "power balance" involved in trying to mend a division? I can't ask for forgiveness if I have not first expressed my sorrow, offered my sorry, for whatever it is that has happened. Sorry is a proclamation of my wrong. To me, sorry is an offering, forgiveness is an ask. My sorry is not conditional on their forgiveness. In a healthy relationship, forgiveness is granted in return, without the request for it. That's how I see it, how it's worked for me in my loving relationships both with other people and spiritually. You may see it differently and that's wonderful, too.
🙂😉