Tara there is a country song by Brad paisley that has a lyric "I thought i couldn't love you more, but I've said that before" and its about love deepening between two people. Stick with me here, if one takes that deeper than romantic love it's how I feel reading your work. Each essay seems to show me another layer to who you are that cracks my heart and mind open wigh possibilities. I'm not talking a pedestal but I am saying how grateful I am that you share these complex layers of you and your family with us. We are so inundated with "influencers" and you are the modern little house on the prairie for me, wholesome and authentic oozing in values.
I only really discovered values becoming a parent. I'm 6 years in and learning to shift from reckless to reverence. Both carry the same vibration but at opposite ends of the spectrum.
As I redefine myself I'm growing and learning the way values are the fou dation for everything. Thanks for spelling out values as it relates to food and how to explain them.
I've learned and grown just reading this. I see where my work is to continue healing and I see where celebration is due for how much effort I've put into maintain "weird" at all costs.
This is an article I need to put inside a cookbook so on my dark days I can hear a Sisters wise voice, it's worth it!
Tawny, it's beautiful, young mamas like you that make me feel so hopeful about our world. Thank you for your open heart and your sincere desire to grow and evolve for yourself, your child, your family, your community, and all of us that benefit just because you're here. I love the lyric of that song and now I must go look for it.
My 3 boys 9,11&12 are pretty good natured about the fact they are the only ones at their school that have never gone to MacDonalds.
Their grandfather did buy them “food” (can we even really call it that?) from the drive through once, but they picked it apart, had a taste and screwed up their noses. They didn’t like the “plastic cheese one bit”
I’ve explained to them about the highly processed flavored food and how it strips away the sensitivity of tastebuds and makes subtle flavors of real food disappear.
I make them read the Ingredients of the “packeted” food they will ask for sometimes, usually it gives them the heebee jeebees and they decide against it themselves.
Every meal we eat is together. Even breakfast, sitting together of a morning talking about our days ahead.
This is also how I grew up and it is time spent with my family that I treasure.
The food that nourishes our bodies also nourishes our connection to each other.
What a beautiful ritual, Caroline. You are blessed to have grown up with it and your children are now blessed to continue on with such a connecting and centring routine. It's amazing what children prefer to eat when they have been raised on real foods. I'm so happy they know plastic from cheese :)
This is great. Love the acknowledgment that each family is its own cultural microcosm. Love the long-term view us older mamas can provide for those in the midst of the hectic pace of young family life. Got thinking about how each of us has to decide for ourselves - preferably mindfully and in a harmonious mutually-respectful way with our parenting partners - just how much we want to separate from the unhealthy practices of mainstream North American culture, and how much we want to allow for our children's participation in the wider culture to some degree. This can be with regard to dietary choices as well as with regard to education, participation in sports, consumer choices, how wired-up we want our families to be, everything, really. I admire all Tara's choices, while my own family seems to be much more embedded and participatory in mainstream cultural practices, because that seems to work for our family's own particular culture better - for now. I can attest to the fact my young adult daughters appreciate real authentic food, understand healthy choices, and recognise the odd level of unhealthiness and disharmony with evolution in their peers' diets thanks to our long-term mindful decision-making about all kinds of consumption in their early childhoods. For sure they have consumed more garbage food than Tara's daughters, because we chose to let them participate in mainstream birthday parties with insulin-resistance-building cake and glyphosate pizza, and eat whatever crap their hockey teams were eating, that kind of thing. But they prefer real authentic nutritionally-dense home cooking and always have - and now, ages 10, 12, 15, 18, verbally thank us for our culinary practices. So this is a shoutout to all the young families figuring things out. Yes, our mainstream culture is unhealthy and we are all to some degree embedded within it. Tara is an inspiration because she is less-embedded than most of us. Still, as long as you are mindful and keep thinking and talking about just how embedded in the mainstream you want your family to be, and choose your battles in a way that suits your own family's microcosm of a culture, in the long term you will have a family culture you are at peace with. The incremental decisions matter, but a long-term sense of the culture you want to create is helpful as well.
I completely agree, Beatrice. Thank you for your comment. We are all somewhere along the continuum, but it's my hope we're actually on it. There's so much nonsense out there and it's so easy to just throw up our hands and think "Well, everyone else is doing it so...". It's good that we can all speak to how we make things work for us, ways we've found to still nourish our kids and have these conversations in our families. My way certainly wasn't the only way, but it's my hope that being a voice decidedly different than most of what's on offer in the "mainstream" now, gives some parents some hope or makes them feel like less of a black sheep.
Thank you for your perspective. I have twin 5 years and a 2 year old. We have been making the switch to real whole foods since this spring. No seed oils in the house, no sweetness but honey and maple syrup and some coconut sugar, and a focus on animal protein and fats. There have been partakers and fussy eaters with each meal and it has been stressful on me but also at times encouraging, like when one twin suddenly loves lamb and the other steak! The hardest part comes with visiting family and especially with my mother-in-law. I know she does not respect my choice on this issue and it is frustrating, but I have to accept that I cannot change her, there is no getting through to her. It is tough when someone cannot see their own disrespect. We have little in common but atlas she is my MIL and we live nearby. So hearing that your children still understand the difference in nourishing foods versus unhealthy foods gives me hope, even when they participate in mainstream eating at times.
Another thing that has come up recently is my twins are noticing the differences in their lunch from the others. It certainly is confusing to them when I say that our family focuses on healthy nutrient dense foods while others may not. I try to explain that there are families of all types with different priorities, values and culture and I try my best to not to put judgment on their choices.
And one thing that seems true is the hiding thing does not really work. Especially with cod liver oil, it has worked much better giving it to them by the syringe and they chase it with a healthy fatty fruity smoothie. Seems to work better when I call it medicine too at least at this age?!
So again thank you for your perspective! I am trying to not get too stressed about doing everything aboujstley right as this causing me great stress and I focus on doing the best I can with the society we have been born into, and with as you say my "own family's microcosm of a culture." xox Alex
Communal lunches are tricky! My 9 yo prefers homemade sourdough and raw milk cheese but is a shy and sensitive kid and expresses that she feels self-conscious about how different her lunches are from others' at school. I remind her that if we were immigrants from another culture our food would be different too - imagine how self-conscious the first Japanese child to bring a bento box to a North American school felt! We have our culture and it is different from many other families' food cultures and that is OK. This helps - sometimes. And sometimes I let her buy the absolute garbage on offer at the school cafeteria to demystify it and let her feel like she is participating in school life on her own terms (even though she is participating in reaction to social pressure!) Tara would not be so soft and that is what I love about her as she helps me find strength when I need to. But sometimes I like to be and let my kids be curious food tourists in the weird mainstream.
As for Mother In Laws.... Mine would always scoff at me buying anything organic. She was trained as a home economist back in the day, and raised on the cultural Kool-aid that cheaper is better in terms of foodstuffs and grocery shopping. She did her best to get into power games around food and playing favourites and giving my kids loads of sugar to win them over to Granny, blah blah blah. Like weird sorority sister popularity contests, but with sugary treats. If I may make a recommendation, it would be to not engage with the power games and keep your emotions a few steps removed from the power dynamics if the MIL relationship is important to you for other reasons. MILs are working through their own special weird cultural formations, remember. Your children will soon stop finding any novelty in garbage food and one day will surprise your MIL by saying something like: "No thank you, I've had enough sugar today." Or "Can I have some fruit instead?" You want to avoid giving your MIL the feeling that feeding your kids garbage is somehow a "win" for her in the weird power game that exists only in her own head, amirite?! Explain to your children what is unhealthy about grandma's approach to nourishment in terms they can understand. Avoid bringing her power game into your interactions with them. Give your children lots of joyfully healthy options at home. They will soon come to realise they feel better after your food than grandma's. Stay calmly on message with MIL but smile indulgently at her need to force convention on your children. Play the long game leading to lifelong healthy habits and the raising of empowered humans free of neuroses and power struggles expressed through attitudes to food. One day my MIL astonished me by criticising what her own daughter was feeding her family as compared to what my children eat. I did not engage with this new twist on the family power game, lol, but I sure felt vindicated! One day, I promise, you will too.
Again, thank you for sharing your story. Some interesting insights about power games that I had not fully considered. She of course was raised with fearing saturated fat especially from animals. She also was educated as dentist and then worked in the "health care" industry for many years after loosing some of her eyesight. So she considers herself very educated and informed on all health matters. Does not help with her recent health issues she has been told by her doctors to focus on lean meats and vegetables, of course!
I no longer explain my findings and understanding of healthy eating. That said she does try at least a little when it comes to the sugar, like no longer giving them store bought ice cream after every meal. I chalk it up to severe cognitive dissonance, but also ego, she could not fathom that she possibly raised her children wrong. Meanwhile, her eldest at 37 has diabetes, and the youngest at 31 lupus. Right now they are both very sick from a common cold we exchanged that my children are also are a little sick from, meanwhile my husband and I fighting it off very well! I've been tending to my terrain!
Keep it up! Be confident in your choices, you can already see their benefits!
So many similar challenges with the older generation. We are all privately struggling with the same dynamics. Very odd. The low-fat thing is so odd. My dad had his first heart attack at age 39. Was told to switch to margarine and avoid red meat. The margarine was of course hydrogenated. All so absurd. He were are. Onwards and forwards!
Tara, this should be required reading for every parent! Some day you should put all your essays together and publish a book. I would buy it for my daughter as a guide to not only parenting, but to a life well lived. Xx
Thank you so much, Petra. I am starting to work on a book. I like the idea of putting my essays together. Look at that, not even done book one and I'm onto the second! :)
Thank you for this. I have this problem because I am separated with my Children’s father and he doesn’t care to feed our children (5 &3 years old) the way I do. He and I didn’t ever live together, but he is well aware of what and why we eat the way we do. I am constantly asking him not to feed them biscuits and crackers and bread and pizzas all from the supermarket so not even organic versions which would be slightly more tolerable. There is some actual food in there too, some fruit and veg but it’s mostly what I’ve said above. He sees them once a week, and they tell me each time what they eat. They often come home in a stress state, and the following morning is usually the worst for this, so it’s clear to see what the ‘food’ is doing to their little bodies. Obviously I can’t do anything about it whilst they are there, I used to pack them lunch to take but it should really be his responsibility to feed them healthily. He says he will feed them better next time; but he doesn’t. It’s really difficult and causes me a lot of stress.
That is an awful situation, Louise. I would pack the food even if I knew I shouldn't have to. Alternatively, is it inappropriate to write out five simple recipes for him so he doesn't get stuck in that weird space of having nothing just so your kids aren't subsisting on crackers and coming home hung over from poop food?
I loved this one as I do with all of your writings. I love your insight on raising girls. I have three little ones, a girl (5) and two boys (3 and 1). Making sure my family is loved and nourished well in all aspects of their life is my top priority.
I was wondering since you have much experience with raising girls, how did you approach celebrating their femininity? Possibly a future article? : )
Do you have any books or resources you used or did you just go with your gut? I want to talk with my daughter about the beauty of being a woman and celebrating her femininity instead of trying to sterilize herself with a pill. It is so wonderful to hear of your blessing of a grandbaby on the way! What a joyful time.
What a thoughtful question. You know, I think it was just talking to them and leading by example more than anything. My girls have seen me in all of my roles and I am happy to be a woman that embraces her femininity in all of its manifestations. I can wrestle a bull calf and I can be the softness a little girl needs to rest on. I am a goddess to my husband who holds me up in all of my female glory and I can sip beer with the boys and tell a good old salty army story with the best of them. I never equated my worth to a size or an accomplishment or an outside accolade and I never judged my daughters on those things either. We always tried to raise our girls to be women of character and confidence, to buck the trends of society and carve their own way. That's a tough one to witness at times, but they amaze me. Good idea - maybe I should write about that. Thanks for the idea, Jardon. :)
Such wonderful insight and I thank you for it. We are a military family and with Covid I haven't had many other spouses to connect with at our current base.
We are moving stations in the next 3 weeks so I am hoping for more connection. Cheers to you and your beautiful family.
This was beautiful and inspiring and made me admit to myself that I have much work to do. I'm 7 years into this parenting thing and admittedly am ashamed now of how many mistakes I've made when it comes to feeding my son. If only I knew what I know now before my son was born. He was given a high dose of antibiotics in the hospital the day he was born, and was often sick as a young child; He wouldn't eat anything except bland dry foods. I breastfed him until he was 3, but I don't know how much that helped. It feels an impossible feat to redirect things now, but you are completely right, being a parent was never meant to be easy or a feel-good endeavor. I'm doing this parenting thing alone, but your words are filled with the wisdom I crave and give me strength. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, Gigi. Don't be ashamed. My Lord above the things we have all flubbed and done backwards! The amazing thing is you have a little human there, full of potential and a body that miraculously heals and grows and evolves. Take it bit by bit now. Let the past go. It's gone anyways. p.s. It totally matters that you breastfed until he was three! What a generous gift you gave his little body. xo
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You are so kind. I just contacted a local farm today (after reading your article) to join their raw milk share program and hopefully take my son to visit their farm. I live too much in the past, but I'm working on not doing that.
Very well said and also convicting. So much food for thought and encouragement for self-evaluation in how I approach meal times and food with my young children. I have made some changes already but do find it overwhelming at times. I did not grow up eating organ meats or raw milk so preparing these foods is new to me. Do you have a go to cookbook for a place for me to start?
Tara referenced Weston Price here...pick up a copy of Nourishing Traditions....its a great place to start with whole food ingredients prepared properly. Changes are overwhelming, but 10 years of slow progress in this direction, I can tell you its possible. Don't try it all at once, I'm still so far from where I want to go, but slow changes last.
Hi Emily, I am right there with you, very overwhelmed at times, especially with the new ways of preparing foods. Hard to present your food confidently when you are not sure yourself. I hope with time as I become more confident and sure in this way of eating that will rub off on them. I am also trying my best to not stress too much about it as this likely feeds into their hesitation and fussiness. Good luck with your endeavours and know that you are not alone! xox Alex
As I was reading I felt such a connection to your words and I realized it was that you so beautifully put to "paper" my feelings on this subject. Parenting is so difficult and not having had as much information or knowledge to hand, when my boys were young, we didn't always have the best choices to hand. We did eat together and all of that but when I look back I realize how much I didn't know then. As I learned, I taught, showed through example etc. Even now that they are grown I share with them what I learn about health, food and options for better choices and I apologize to them for not having known sooner but remind them that as their mom I did and will continue to do what I can for their health and fortitude. Thank you for sharing.
That's wonderful, Michelle. It's always the case that we can look back at what we didn't know. I can easily do that too. But like you say, it's what you do today and continue to evolve into that is the very stuff of life. Your children are lucky to have you.
So well said Tara, so inspiring. I am navigating these waters with my 3 year old, and unfortunately have to do some back tracking, but i'm committed. Your words carry so much strength and conviction, I am going to take that energy into my parenting moving forward. I wish someone had told me before the toddler stage to "meant what you say" and many other bits on guiding little ones...
You know, Kacey, I just happened to meet a very wise and loving and powerful woman when my first daughter was just about a year old. Her guidance taught me things about parenting I never knew, never would have known had I not met her. I am grateful to this day for having had her in my life to show me what effective discipline even looked like. I always thought it was synonymous with domineering cruelty. Around that same time, I was working at a small newspaper and I had the good fortune of interviewing Barbara Coloroso who had just written the book, "Kids are Worth It". Another incredible shaping of my young mama-hood. I still give that book to every new parent I know. I recently got a used copy for our daughter. You might like it, too. :)
Thank you for writing these honest, courageous truths and reminding me (a young mother) of the sacredness and importance of my role. I genuinely love reading all your articles, and they help me maintain commitment to being a better person.
Yes yes yesssss!!! So good! Thank you for sharing all of this!!
I so agree, and done if these things we do SO WELL, but some of these things are areas we struggle with in our home.
My oldest son has A LOT of food sensitivities - even though we’ve done everything ‘right’ to the best of our abilities, in regards to what’s put in/on his body (trust when I say we’ve made plenty of other mistakes 🤪). Dairy is something he cannot have - and it drives me crazy!! I know that he’s missing out on such good, important stuff. And now it seems that he’s struggling with eggs and meat (local, well-fed and we’ll-raised) - I can tell through his bowel movements, under eye circles, and behavior. What would you do if you had a situation like that in your family?
Even before this - we’ve struggled with treats and organ meats. I really do love the treats (sweets) though I had to cut out most things for breastfeeding my son mentioned above. I recognize that even if he could eat ‘normal’ we wouldn’t go back to eating ‘normal’ in many ways, if that makes sense. But my husband is not on board with that. He still eats pretty poorly and doesn’t like anything ‘weird’ which makes it difficult for me to get my kids on board with that stuff. No one in my home will eat organ meats (except me lol).
I also would loooove to learn how to make one of these cupcakes you’ve mentioned several times ❤️
Some kids are so much more sensitive and need extra layers of fastidious attention to diet for a period of time so that they can heal. We had some moments like that with our kids that we were able to move beyond. That sounds like an awesome topic to get into on the next Q&A.
Tara there is a country song by Brad paisley that has a lyric "I thought i couldn't love you more, but I've said that before" and its about love deepening between two people. Stick with me here, if one takes that deeper than romantic love it's how I feel reading your work. Each essay seems to show me another layer to who you are that cracks my heart and mind open wigh possibilities. I'm not talking a pedestal but I am saying how grateful I am that you share these complex layers of you and your family with us. We are so inundated with "influencers" and you are the modern little house on the prairie for me, wholesome and authentic oozing in values.
I only really discovered values becoming a parent. I'm 6 years in and learning to shift from reckless to reverence. Both carry the same vibration but at opposite ends of the spectrum.
As I redefine myself I'm growing and learning the way values are the fou dation for everything. Thanks for spelling out values as it relates to food and how to explain them.
I've learned and grown just reading this. I see where my work is to continue healing and I see where celebration is due for how much effort I've put into maintain "weird" at all costs.
This is an article I need to put inside a cookbook so on my dark days I can hear a Sisters wise voice, it's worth it!
Thank you ❤️
Tawny, it's beautiful, young mamas like you that make me feel so hopeful about our world. Thank you for your open heart and your sincere desire to grow and evolve for yourself, your child, your family, your community, and all of us that benefit just because you're here. I love the lyric of that song and now I must go look for it.
My 3 boys 9,11&12 are pretty good natured about the fact they are the only ones at their school that have never gone to MacDonalds.
Their grandfather did buy them “food” (can we even really call it that?) from the drive through once, but they picked it apart, had a taste and screwed up their noses. They didn’t like the “plastic cheese one bit”
I’ve explained to them about the highly processed flavored food and how it strips away the sensitivity of tastebuds and makes subtle flavors of real food disappear.
I make them read the Ingredients of the “packeted” food they will ask for sometimes, usually it gives them the heebee jeebees and they decide against it themselves.
Every meal we eat is together. Even breakfast, sitting together of a morning talking about our days ahead.
This is also how I grew up and it is time spent with my family that I treasure.
The food that nourishes our bodies also nourishes our connection to each other.
What a beautiful ritual, Caroline. You are blessed to have grown up with it and your children are now blessed to continue on with such a connecting and centring routine. It's amazing what children prefer to eat when they have been raised on real foods. I'm so happy they know plastic from cheese :)
Tara, you are absolutely right. To all the readers, Tara is absolutely right.
There is no getting around this.
Be true to yourself, be true to your children.
Thank you, Claude.
This is great. Love the acknowledgment that each family is its own cultural microcosm. Love the long-term view us older mamas can provide for those in the midst of the hectic pace of young family life. Got thinking about how each of us has to decide for ourselves - preferably mindfully and in a harmonious mutually-respectful way with our parenting partners - just how much we want to separate from the unhealthy practices of mainstream North American culture, and how much we want to allow for our children's participation in the wider culture to some degree. This can be with regard to dietary choices as well as with regard to education, participation in sports, consumer choices, how wired-up we want our families to be, everything, really. I admire all Tara's choices, while my own family seems to be much more embedded and participatory in mainstream cultural practices, because that seems to work for our family's own particular culture better - for now. I can attest to the fact my young adult daughters appreciate real authentic food, understand healthy choices, and recognise the odd level of unhealthiness and disharmony with evolution in their peers' diets thanks to our long-term mindful decision-making about all kinds of consumption in their early childhoods. For sure they have consumed more garbage food than Tara's daughters, because we chose to let them participate in mainstream birthday parties with insulin-resistance-building cake and glyphosate pizza, and eat whatever crap their hockey teams were eating, that kind of thing. But they prefer real authentic nutritionally-dense home cooking and always have - and now, ages 10, 12, 15, 18, verbally thank us for our culinary practices. So this is a shoutout to all the young families figuring things out. Yes, our mainstream culture is unhealthy and we are all to some degree embedded within it. Tara is an inspiration because she is less-embedded than most of us. Still, as long as you are mindful and keep thinking and talking about just how embedded in the mainstream you want your family to be, and choose your battles in a way that suits your own family's microcosm of a culture, in the long term you will have a family culture you are at peace with. The incremental decisions matter, but a long-term sense of the culture you want to create is helpful as well.
I completely agree, Beatrice. Thank you for your comment. We are all somewhere along the continuum, but it's my hope we're actually on it. There's so much nonsense out there and it's so easy to just throw up our hands and think "Well, everyone else is doing it so...". It's good that we can all speak to how we make things work for us, ways we've found to still nourish our kids and have these conversations in our families. My way certainly wasn't the only way, but it's my hope that being a voice decidedly different than most of what's on offer in the "mainstream" now, gives some parents some hope or makes them feel like less of a black sheep.
Sending love. Admire what you do so much. Your consistency and commitment to what is right are an inspiration.
Thank you for your perspective. I have twin 5 years and a 2 year old. We have been making the switch to real whole foods since this spring. No seed oils in the house, no sweetness but honey and maple syrup and some coconut sugar, and a focus on animal protein and fats. There have been partakers and fussy eaters with each meal and it has been stressful on me but also at times encouraging, like when one twin suddenly loves lamb and the other steak! The hardest part comes with visiting family and especially with my mother-in-law. I know she does not respect my choice on this issue and it is frustrating, but I have to accept that I cannot change her, there is no getting through to her. It is tough when someone cannot see their own disrespect. We have little in common but atlas she is my MIL and we live nearby. So hearing that your children still understand the difference in nourishing foods versus unhealthy foods gives me hope, even when they participate in mainstream eating at times.
Another thing that has come up recently is my twins are noticing the differences in their lunch from the others. It certainly is confusing to them when I say that our family focuses on healthy nutrient dense foods while others may not. I try to explain that there are families of all types with different priorities, values and culture and I try my best to not to put judgment on their choices.
And one thing that seems true is the hiding thing does not really work. Especially with cod liver oil, it has worked much better giving it to them by the syringe and they chase it with a healthy fatty fruity smoothie. Seems to work better when I call it medicine too at least at this age?!
So again thank you for your perspective! I am trying to not get too stressed about doing everything aboujstley right as this causing me great stress and I focus on doing the best I can with the society we have been born into, and with as you say my "own family's microcosm of a culture." xox Alex
Communal lunches are tricky! My 9 yo prefers homemade sourdough and raw milk cheese but is a shy and sensitive kid and expresses that she feels self-conscious about how different her lunches are from others' at school. I remind her that if we were immigrants from another culture our food would be different too - imagine how self-conscious the first Japanese child to bring a bento box to a North American school felt! We have our culture and it is different from many other families' food cultures and that is OK. This helps - sometimes. And sometimes I let her buy the absolute garbage on offer at the school cafeteria to demystify it and let her feel like she is participating in school life on her own terms (even though she is participating in reaction to social pressure!) Tara would not be so soft and that is what I love about her as she helps me find strength when I need to. But sometimes I like to be and let my kids be curious food tourists in the weird mainstream.
As for Mother In Laws.... Mine would always scoff at me buying anything organic. She was trained as a home economist back in the day, and raised on the cultural Kool-aid that cheaper is better in terms of foodstuffs and grocery shopping. She did her best to get into power games around food and playing favourites and giving my kids loads of sugar to win them over to Granny, blah blah blah. Like weird sorority sister popularity contests, but with sugary treats. If I may make a recommendation, it would be to not engage with the power games and keep your emotions a few steps removed from the power dynamics if the MIL relationship is important to you for other reasons. MILs are working through their own special weird cultural formations, remember. Your children will soon stop finding any novelty in garbage food and one day will surprise your MIL by saying something like: "No thank you, I've had enough sugar today." Or "Can I have some fruit instead?" You want to avoid giving your MIL the feeling that feeding your kids garbage is somehow a "win" for her in the weird power game that exists only in her own head, amirite?! Explain to your children what is unhealthy about grandma's approach to nourishment in terms they can understand. Avoid bringing her power game into your interactions with them. Give your children lots of joyfully healthy options at home. They will soon come to realise they feel better after your food than grandma's. Stay calmly on message with MIL but smile indulgently at her need to force convention on your children. Play the long game leading to lifelong healthy habits and the raising of empowered humans free of neuroses and power struggles expressed through attitudes to food. One day my MIL astonished me by criticising what her own daughter was feeding her family as compared to what my children eat. I did not engage with this new twist on the family power game, lol, but I sure felt vindicated! One day, I promise, you will too.
Again, thank you for sharing your story. Some interesting insights about power games that I had not fully considered. She of course was raised with fearing saturated fat especially from animals. She also was educated as dentist and then worked in the "health care" industry for many years after loosing some of her eyesight. So she considers herself very educated and informed on all health matters. Does not help with her recent health issues she has been told by her doctors to focus on lean meats and vegetables, of course!
I no longer explain my findings and understanding of healthy eating. That said she does try at least a little when it comes to the sugar, like no longer giving them store bought ice cream after every meal. I chalk it up to severe cognitive dissonance, but also ego, she could not fathom that she possibly raised her children wrong. Meanwhile, her eldest at 37 has diabetes, and the youngest at 31 lupus. Right now they are both very sick from a common cold we exchanged that my children are also are a little sick from, meanwhile my husband and I fighting it off very well! I've been tending to my terrain!
Keep it up! Be confident in your choices, you can already see their benefits!
So many similar challenges with the older generation. We are all privately struggling with the same dynamics. Very odd. The low-fat thing is so odd. My dad had his first heart attack at age 39. Was told to switch to margarine and avoid red meat. The margarine was of course hydrogenated. All so absurd. He were are. Onwards and forwards!
Tara, this should be required reading for every parent! Some day you should put all your essays together and publish a book. I would buy it for my daughter as a guide to not only parenting, but to a life well lived. Xx
Thank you so much, Petra. I am starting to work on a book. I like the idea of putting my essays together. Look at that, not even done book one and I'm onto the second! :)
Thank you for this. I have this problem because I am separated with my Children’s father and he doesn’t care to feed our children (5 &3 years old) the way I do. He and I didn’t ever live together, but he is well aware of what and why we eat the way we do. I am constantly asking him not to feed them biscuits and crackers and bread and pizzas all from the supermarket so not even organic versions which would be slightly more tolerable. There is some actual food in there too, some fruit and veg but it’s mostly what I’ve said above. He sees them once a week, and they tell me each time what they eat. They often come home in a stress state, and the following morning is usually the worst for this, so it’s clear to see what the ‘food’ is doing to their little bodies. Obviously I can’t do anything about it whilst they are there, I used to pack them lunch to take but it should really be his responsibility to feed them healthily. He says he will feed them better next time; but he doesn’t. It’s really difficult and causes me a lot of stress.
That is an awful situation, Louise. I would pack the food even if I knew I shouldn't have to. Alternatively, is it inappropriate to write out five simple recipes for him so he doesn't get stuck in that weird space of having nothing just so your kids aren't subsisting on crackers and coming home hung over from poop food?
I loved this one as I do with all of your writings. I love your insight on raising girls. I have three little ones, a girl (5) and two boys (3 and 1). Making sure my family is loved and nourished well in all aspects of their life is my top priority.
I was wondering since you have much experience with raising girls, how did you approach celebrating their femininity? Possibly a future article? : )
Do you have any books or resources you used or did you just go with your gut? I want to talk with my daughter about the beauty of being a woman and celebrating her femininity instead of trying to sterilize herself with a pill. It is so wonderful to hear of your blessing of a grandbaby on the way! What a joyful time.
What a thoughtful question. You know, I think it was just talking to them and leading by example more than anything. My girls have seen me in all of my roles and I am happy to be a woman that embraces her femininity in all of its manifestations. I can wrestle a bull calf and I can be the softness a little girl needs to rest on. I am a goddess to my husband who holds me up in all of my female glory and I can sip beer with the boys and tell a good old salty army story with the best of them. I never equated my worth to a size or an accomplishment or an outside accolade and I never judged my daughters on those things either. We always tried to raise our girls to be women of character and confidence, to buck the trends of society and carve their own way. That's a tough one to witness at times, but they amaze me. Good idea - maybe I should write about that. Thanks for the idea, Jardon. :)
Such wonderful insight and I thank you for it. We are a military family and with Covid I haven't had many other spouses to connect with at our current base.
We are moving stations in the next 3 weeks so I am hoping for more connection. Cheers to you and your beautiful family.
This was beautiful and inspiring and made me admit to myself that I have much work to do. I'm 7 years into this parenting thing and admittedly am ashamed now of how many mistakes I've made when it comes to feeding my son. If only I knew what I know now before my son was born. He was given a high dose of antibiotics in the hospital the day he was born, and was often sick as a young child; He wouldn't eat anything except bland dry foods. I breastfed him until he was 3, but I don't know how much that helped. It feels an impossible feat to redirect things now, but you are completely right, being a parent was never meant to be easy or a feel-good endeavor. I'm doing this parenting thing alone, but your words are filled with the wisdom I crave and give me strength. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, Gigi. Don't be ashamed. My Lord above the things we have all flubbed and done backwards! The amazing thing is you have a little human there, full of potential and a body that miraculously heals and grows and evolves. Take it bit by bit now. Let the past go. It's gone anyways. p.s. It totally matters that you breastfed until he was three! What a generous gift you gave his little body. xo
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You are so kind. I just contacted a local farm today (after reading your article) to join their raw milk share program and hopefully take my son to visit their farm. I live too much in the past, but I'm working on not doing that.
That is a pretty darn wonderful.
Very well said and also convicting. So much food for thought and encouragement for self-evaluation in how I approach meal times and food with my young children. I have made some changes already but do find it overwhelming at times. I did not grow up eating organ meats or raw milk so preparing these foods is new to me. Do you have a go to cookbook for a place for me to start?
Tara referenced Weston Price here...pick up a copy of Nourishing Traditions....its a great place to start with whole food ingredients prepared properly. Changes are overwhelming, but 10 years of slow progress in this direction, I can tell you its possible. Don't try it all at once, I'm still so far from where I want to go, but slow changes last.
Hi Emily, I am right there with you, very overwhelmed at times, especially with the new ways of preparing foods. Hard to present your food confidently when you are not sure yourself. I hope with time as I become more confident and sure in this way of eating that will rub off on them. I am also trying my best to not stress too much about it as this likely feeds into their hesitation and fussiness. Good luck with your endeavours and know that you are not alone! xox Alex
As I was reading I felt such a connection to your words and I realized it was that you so beautifully put to "paper" my feelings on this subject. Parenting is so difficult and not having had as much information or knowledge to hand, when my boys were young, we didn't always have the best choices to hand. We did eat together and all of that but when I look back I realize how much I didn't know then. As I learned, I taught, showed through example etc. Even now that they are grown I share with them what I learn about health, food and options for better choices and I apologize to them for not having known sooner but remind them that as their mom I did and will continue to do what I can for their health and fortitude. Thank you for sharing.
That's wonderful, Michelle. It's always the case that we can look back at what we didn't know. I can easily do that too. But like you say, it's what you do today and continue to evolve into that is the very stuff of life. Your children are lucky to have you.
So well said Tara, so inspiring. I am navigating these waters with my 3 year old, and unfortunately have to do some back tracking, but i'm committed. Your words carry so much strength and conviction, I am going to take that energy into my parenting moving forward. I wish someone had told me before the toddler stage to "meant what you say" and many other bits on guiding little ones...
You know, Kacey, I just happened to meet a very wise and loving and powerful woman when my first daughter was just about a year old. Her guidance taught me things about parenting I never knew, never would have known had I not met her. I am grateful to this day for having had her in my life to show me what effective discipline even looked like. I always thought it was synonymous with domineering cruelty. Around that same time, I was working at a small newspaper and I had the good fortune of interviewing Barbara Coloroso who had just written the book, "Kids are Worth It". Another incredible shaping of my young mama-hood. I still give that book to every new parent I know. I recently got a used copy for our daughter. You might like it, too. :)
Thank you for writing these honest, courageous truths and reminding me (a young mother) of the sacredness and importance of my role. I genuinely love reading all your articles, and they help me maintain commitment to being a better person.
What a wonderful thing to receive. Thank you, Alyssa.
This is brilliant. Thank you SO MUCH.
Thank you, LL. :)
Excellent article. Thank you for sharing
Thank you, Judy.
Thanks as usual. We have so far to go and so many things to accomplish before we can learn once again how and why to survive.
Thank you :)
Yes yes yesssss!!! So good! Thank you for sharing all of this!!
I so agree, and done if these things we do SO WELL, but some of these things are areas we struggle with in our home.
My oldest son has A LOT of food sensitivities - even though we’ve done everything ‘right’ to the best of our abilities, in regards to what’s put in/on his body (trust when I say we’ve made plenty of other mistakes 🤪). Dairy is something he cannot have - and it drives me crazy!! I know that he’s missing out on such good, important stuff. And now it seems that he’s struggling with eggs and meat (local, well-fed and we’ll-raised) - I can tell through his bowel movements, under eye circles, and behavior. What would you do if you had a situation like that in your family?
Even before this - we’ve struggled with treats and organ meats. I really do love the treats (sweets) though I had to cut out most things for breastfeeding my son mentioned above. I recognize that even if he could eat ‘normal’ we wouldn’t go back to eating ‘normal’ in many ways, if that makes sense. But my husband is not on board with that. He still eats pretty poorly and doesn’t like anything ‘weird’ which makes it difficult for me to get my kids on board with that stuff. No one in my home will eat organ meats (except me lol).
I also would loooove to learn how to make one of these cupcakes you’ve mentioned several times ❤️
Some kids are so much more sensitive and need extra layers of fastidious attention to diet for a period of time so that they can heal. We had some moments like that with our kids that we were able to move beyond. That sounds like an awesome topic to get into on the next Q&A.