We’re visiting our babes grandparents so I snuck away after breakfast and curled up in bed to watch. Tara I know we all feel a beautiful connection with you on this platform and seeing you and Troy in the film was just so lovely. I can’t put my finger on why I’m so drawn to you and your content but all I can say is thank you for sharing a piece of you with us. You have a beautiful way with words, your spoken eloquence is heart warming and you inspire me daily to be more self-reliant, slow down and savour.
Thank you so much, Robyn. This made me misty. I have been so filled with trepidation about this movie. I have had to keep reminding myself that it may have me in it, but it's bigger than me and there's things in there that, I hope, will find their way to the souls that need to hear them.
It's so touching to know that you feel this connection with me because I have such affection for you and so many people here. How is that? How can we be communicating through a screen and still develop authentic bonds? It speaks to our power to seek and know each other, I think. To form relationships of depth even through the hindrance of a screen. In many ways, I feel like the meaningful communication I share with many here feels more honest than some of the conversations I have in real life.
I am grateful. Thank you for sharing that with me, Robyn.
I love you and your vulnerability. Thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. I’ve lost touch with your stuff the last year or so because of some personal relationship heartache that made me disconnect from everything in my life that brought genuine value to me. I have honestly not realized I’ve been doing this until today. When you popped up on my Instagram this morning I was determined to watch this documentary. I signed up for abundance in bed in my half sleep state. You’ve awoken me. I left home at 17. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I got very close to taking myself from this world multiple times. During that time I craved my childhood, growing up between Philadelphia and a small farm town off the sassafras river in Maryland. I always felt content in Maryland. Being outside catching fish and frogs during the day and collecting wood for making fires at night. I’m 29 now. Pregnant with my first child. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve wanted to live like that everyday. Intertwined with life and the land. I want to raise my boy in that environment. My partner and I are also on a single budget now, like you and Troy were years ago. I feel like my goals are unfathomable. I feel useless 98% of the time since I’m barely contributing financially or in any significant way other than moral support. I don’t even know where I’m going with this at this point. Just feeling very vulnerable after watching the documentary. When you said “I think all we had to do was know what we value, and have the intention of what we wanted and allow god or whoever to figure the rest of it out” that really hit home. I’m screaming my intentions into the ether. I hope I can update you in a year or so with the beginning stories of my own homestead. 💙♥️💜💛
Alison, first the absolute joy having heard of this little miracle within you. How enormous! How grand and wild and lusciously beautiful! Enjoy every single moment of this time, just you and that little one so intimately together.
You and I share a similar back story in the childhood memories on a land that continued to call to us years later. I was kicked out of my house as a teenager and was wild and reckless with my life. There were times I too wanted to die. All those years, in all that time, it was the song of prairie birds and sleeping in a wheat field that I used to envision when I couldn't sleep at night or when I needed to calm myself. I didn't realise it at the time but I was actively creating what I wanted my life to be even then.
We had a wonderful discusision in the chat last week about things young moms are doing to generate some side gigs in their lives. I think I'm going to open that up in a discussion thread for everyone here. Maybe there will be some ideas in there for you. But, please good woman, lest you need reminding - you are nurturing life right now and you said you feel "useless"?! You are the most powerful and wondrous of us all! A mother growing life within her womb! What a marvel! Do not diminish that. Not one bit. I won't have it!
Now, if it will be a year until we meet again, so be it, but know that I will hold in my heart, until that time, the image of Alison and her little boy catching frogs along a creek bed. You do that, too. Know it. Feel it. Smell the smells and hear the sounds. And there, so it is. It's already happening. ❤️
Your 1000% right, I’m self deprecating. I struggle with seeing my worth, always have. Thank you for pulling me out of this most recent spiral. You don't know how much it means to me to have someone read what I have to say, let alone respond in such a genuine meaningful way.
It gives me a lot of hope knowing that you grew up in such a similar way but you were able to build such a beautiful life despite living through the struggles of being a runaway/castaway teen.
It won't be a year until I update you. I'll make sure I make it a point to be more present here in this group. I would love to read that discussion. As soon as I'm back to work I will be a paid subscriber. I don't pay for any subscriptions but I know this one is well worth it.
Thank you for holding space for me and my baby in your heart. I will take your advice and hold that image in my mind in these trying times. Your strength gives me strength. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💙
Tara, I just finished watching and want to say thank you to you and Troy from the deepest, most sincere place in my heart. I have been following you for around a year now and am in awe of the way you both have so painstakingly built a life of beauty and integrity. Please know there are many of us out there, watching you through your weekly essays and seeing how there is another way of life that is still possible for us too. And, thank you for helping those of us who have also lived a life petrified by death to see that a different relationship with death is possible too. Your documentary moved me to tears and my only complaint is that there wasn't more of it. I cannot wait to read your book!
Dear Amy, thank you for sharing this with us both. It's so meaningful to hear how these things land with others. I suspect that much of what we try to hide away as humans, like our fears and worries and insecurities are the very things that can bring us together, but instead we squirrel them away and nobody wants to talk about them. Then we feel isolated or like oddballs because surely "we're the only ones".
I want to be courageous so I try to do things that feel courageous to me even when I really don't want to. Not because I'm anything special, but because I just really love humans and what we're capable of, the beauty we create, when we are real and honest with each other. I'm bored by niceties and superficial gloss. We've had enough of that, don't you think? We need places to deeply connect with each other now. More than ever, I'd say. ❤️
I think I'm just moved by the way you live your life as a whole.
It reminds me of my grandma from the countryside, there was no one else like her, and I'm pretty sure there's no one else like you either.
Learning from you has made me feel closer to her.
What an absolute blessing your daughters and grand-daughter have to have you.
Every since I first started following you, I've been in awe of your dedication, of your deep reverence to the animals you care for and the land you live on, and of your story.
It was magical to step into your & your husband's universe.
It was inspirational beyond belief to witness you both.
I have a lot of admiration for what you both do here on this earth.
Every time I read you, it hits my heart.
You have a real talent as a writer, and your life is such an example for us all, even if we cannot live up to it.
I'm not sure what hasn't been said already, by all the wonderful subscribers you have.
I just had to add my two cents.
You and your husband are truly one of a kind and I'm so grateful I got to witness part of your daily lives.
You might have no idea how profound an impact you are having but you truly are. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for all that you do.
I had tears throughout the video, because I can feel the rawness and depth of your pain. And I wish there was something to say or do, but I know you are already doing exactly what is right for you.
Dear Florence, thank you so much for such an incredibly generous and kind comment. I loved reading your words. I love that something in me reminds you of your grandmother. I take that as the highest form of praise. Shouldn't we all want to be carry the love and dedication of a matriarch? I think we need our matriarchs more than ever, to resurrect our stories and our traditions. I'm so glad that us opening up our world brought something to yours. That was our whole motivation - to move beyond our own comfort with the faith that what we have been taught, what we are learning, is a human story, not just ours. Our daughter continues to teach us and who are we to not pass on the message? xo
The film is beautiful, an extremely well done piece that does a great job portraying this life of yours. I was astounded, not sure how to put this... I am astounded at how well I think I knew you before the film. I mean, this is quite a unique thing isn't it? We have never met, will likely never meet... yet you have shared so much and invited me (well, all of us but I'm gonna focus on myself) into so many conversations that I think, with some degree of certainty, that I know you. The film was a wonderful confirmation... In other words, and I know there are limits to this "knowing" and I want to be cautious about taking this too far, but what struck me so intensely was just how familiar all of what I saw and heard in the film was because you have done such an amazing job of inviting me into your life over the past couple years. And it has meant such a great deal to me, and so many others.
I love that the film starts with your words. I have always been drawn most to your writing, I have said before that the most apt comparison I can come up with is the impact that the words of Wendell Berry have had on me. I am moved by many things, but nothing moves me like the power of words well written, words that express deep truths that I too acknowledge or hold dear. It's remarkable, really... When that passage comes on the screen at the beginning of the film I remember in an instant those words, and I know there are dozens of other passages you have written that I would remember instantly as well. Some because they resonate with my own truth, and some, like those that start the film, because they are so powerfully connected to your experience and the journey you have shared with us.
I'll admit here that I have yet to listen to one of your T and T talks. So this was my first time really "meeting" Troy and that was a treat. You are both so generous and it's impossible not to have a very deep and abiding respect for the vulnerability and openness with which you greet life and the power of experience. I know that I am better for it, much better. In thinking about writing this feedback, which you asked for, I have been struck by the nature of all this and the role it has played in my life over the last few years. For some reason the film brings into focus just how amazing this all is... to me anyway.
We all had to find guide posts and trail markers to keep ourselves sane during the whateverdemic. We all had to find that rope, like Pa did on the prairie, to lead us back to the house from the barn in the blizzard. Slowdown was a rope for me, and at one time thats all you were, an account, on a platform. I can't retrace all the steps, but I know that piece by piece I came to understand who you were, what you had gone through, and eventually what you were trying to build here on the interwebs initially with insta and now substack. You guys have given so very very much, and I admire and appreciate your work and am grateful for its existence.
The film was more of that, yet another medium through which we are all invited to share in and take from your experience what we can. There is so much more I could say.. so much of your experience and immersion into farming resonates with my own. But, of course, thats why I'm here... much love to you and to Troy and your family and that beautiful place you call home, at least for now.
I will especially cherish the shot of you at your desk... a candle, a pen, some paper. That will be the enduring image for me as I continue to read and relish your work.
Now it's me here trying to find something worthy of your incredibly generous and beautifully written comment. It means so much to me to hear that there was a familiarity there, in that film, because of the words I've written or stories I've shared. I like that. It feels real to me. I try to be real. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I think I get it. Mostly, it's when hearing from people, like you here and now, that I feel most accomplished. That somehow, we can connect in an authentic way even in this time, in this age. It feels so hopeful to me.
I don't know you either, but somehow I do. Just pieces of Joe but enough to like him, to like the way his mind works, what he chooses to focus on in this life, the good work he puts forth into the world. Its amazing, really that we can gather around something, these lessons and hardships and nuttiness and beauty of this life and all find ourselves there, in that.
Thank you for taking the time to write your words to me. They're beautiful. I'm keeping them.
This beautiful glimpse into your lives and hearts is medicine for mine. I just finished watching, and I appreciate so much about it. Gentle warm tears slid down my cheeks the entire time. The pace and beautiful imagery alongside your grounded and comforting voice, Tara, was so warm and soothing, like the many moments of light that shone throughout this gorgeous film. I feel like you and Troy, by your example of rearranging your life around your values, by your love for one another & your girls, and your peace and connection (and commitment) to land and animals, by your willingness to feel it all, your bare open hearts, your wisdom and humility, all this is what I (and probably all of your listeners, readers and aspiring homesteaders) truly look toward with awe and gratitude. I felt your sincere affection for your mentor, Richard. I also love that you told about the moment with you & Troy being swarmed by the mysterious dragonflies and how you engaged with that wonder- that Mila given gift- I'm certain. Thank you so much for all of this. Also you and Troy are both a picture of health! Your teeth are so white and you both glow vitality. I'm going to defrost some bone broth right now for breakfast! Much love
Thank you for sharing this beautiful comment with us both, Emily. It really has brought so much peace, relief, and a deep feeling of gratitude to hear from you, and the many other people here, who took the time to share with us that this little film had meaning for you. I was deeply uncomfortable with the portrayal of us as having figured it all out or being some expert of some realm, but just sharing what has been given to us, the lessons and the deeper connection to life through the pain, well.. that felt like something worth sharing.
I love that you noticed the quality of the light. Maybe I'm just getting old but I seem to be more aware of the light and how it touches me. Wind, too. Sometimes I stand in the forest with as much skin bared as possible and I just notice how the wind is God's touch.
Well... we smiled, we cried, we bawled, we admired Troys slippers in the opening scene, we recalculated our finances to see if we could afford a farm (still a No unless we move to Sask or Alberta). But we left feeling awed... Thanks.
Aaahhh, Tara and Troy. Goodness, me oh my. My heart is filled with joy and wonder. — It was a photo of you two that first gut punched me as I scrolled through IG way back when. “Hold up! Now who are these two???” Your words sealed the deal. Your musings are for me like that dragon fly. “Come back,” I implore. “This. This I know. This is familiar. This is true. More please. Come back.” Mila’s photo of you was the next time I saw your face. My mother had recently died, and I empathized deeply with Mila as you described your daughter feeling love and admiration for her gorgeous, bloodied Mama looking on at her in such a way that couldn’t not be photographed. When you went quiet, I wondered where you had gone. Yet the whole world was shifting in tectonic ways. I invested time that summer nursing a cow injured when giving birth. Ultimately, we had to put her down and your story about the bison resonated even more deeply. Our cow and her clique (four protective heifers) taught me lessons I’ll never forget. Lessons I collect along with so many that YOU, Tara Couture, have taught me. — I have experienced a lot of death in my life. To bear witness to the loss of a child. To learn of Mila’s death. Just writing that last sentence … I am hesitant to hit “Post.” My father taught me that funerals are, in many respects, to “console the consolers.” That sort of initially pissed me off the first time he explained, but I’ve come to learn it is true.
Here you and Troy are, opening yourselves up to us.
You owe nothing. No one could blame you for becoming hermits; never posting another thing ever again. And yet here you are.
Bearing your hearts, your souls, your unrepeatableness (thank you, Cassandra).
Dear Rachel, your comment had us both in tears as we rolled north on the I-81 yesterday, travelling back to Canada after a week with our granddaughter, our daughter and our son-in-law. You, dear woman, are a beautiful writer. I hope you know that.
It's so amazing to me that you are out there and that you remembered me sharing that picture that Mila took of me. You gave me back that sweet, tender memory of her just by keeping it alive in your own heart. Thank you. It's been awhile since I remembered that but you just mentioning it found me standing in front of the house, and I can see, as clear as day, my beloved girl smiling at me. Yes, there she is now.
Please do not feel hesitation in writing that sentence around Mila's death. That you even know her name brings both joy and sadness but joy is there too and sadness is not the enemy of life.
I am printing out these comments. They will be my reminder to be brave and courageous even when I don't want to be. How beautiful, us humans, to connect with one another in ways so much deeper and more meaningful than the physical. Like here. What you have given me, us, with your time and heart in reciprocation for us sharing what we have been taught, are being taught. It's really something. Thank you.
I've waited to pop in and comment here until I had the right words, but I've decided that they don't exist. Just thank you, Troy, and everyone at abundance+ for this immeasurable gift. It's invaluable. The connection that you have to each other, your animals, nature, and our inevitable mortality pours out from the screen. And, I think we all needed to take a little piece of that with us. 💚💚💚
Thank you Tara for sharing such profound parts of your life with us. I don’t know how to articulate the impact your work has had on me, but everything in my life is more vivid and meaningful these days. I’m about to go for a stroll and I know that the sun is going to feel that much warmer. ❤️
There's not much I can say to add to what has already been said...I was blown away by the delicate handling by the producers, the filmography, the music, the whole message wrapped up in a beautiful, honest package. The topic of life & death is avoided by so many (myself included, unfortunately, but I'm trying to become more comfortable with it) and you & Troy have displayed a wonderful matter of fact-ness while discussing. I marveled and cried during the whole episode. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and showing us an additional sliver of your lives.
Thank you for such kind and tender words, Molly. I thought they did a lovely job, too. It was really quite something to see the things they found and filmed, all these little moments I didn't even see them filming. It's like a bit of a love letter, the bits we overlook, that someone thought was worth showing and sharing.
I appreciate that you sat down and took the time to share this with us. It's very meaningful to receive. Thank you.
I finally got to watch this today while cuddling my newborn babe. It profoundly moved me. It was beautifully done and brought tears to my eyes. My favorite part was the dragonfly part. Years back we found out that our baby was no longer living at 22 weeks. I was devastated. I remember walking around our own farm that day. I saw more butterflies than I had ever seen and then felt as though everything would be alright. Our culture is so fearful of death. It is evident everywhere you look. From vegan diets to running to vaccines for every ailment. A deep reverence for death is the remedy for all this fear and the key to a fuller life.
Yes, so fearful of death. And there you were, with a miraculous, newborn baby in your arms, sharing in our story. That is the whole mind-blowing marvel of this life! Love and birth and death and we are all rolling around one another, sharing and rejoicing and bawling. How beautiful when it all comes together and we are courageous enough to feel it so that we can feel the profundity of the beautiful stuff too.
Dear Tara, I come to you from Instagram. I'd been going back on whether I could afford upgrading to a paid subscription and your video finally made me take the plunge. My husband is a passive-active consumer of your content, everytime I talk about you or read him something you wrote he pays avid attention. I forget the first day I mentioned and showed him your husband but ever since, he's become loyal m, he literally asks "Tara hasn't posted her husband?" and it felt like teasing to him when he could only see profiles of Troy. When I told him you have a film out, he dropped his work and faced me aaking seriously, "do they show her husband's face?" 😅 We're finally going to watch tonight and he said to me, we have to watch with ice cream. I said why and he said because I'm gonna see Tara's husband,and I was like why would that make you cry and he says "seeing male perfection" 😅. I may laugh at and tease him about his fanboying over Troy but I would like to let you know that as someone who lost his father young and who grew up without a male model or guidance, your husband gives him hope that he can be better man, that it is possible to be the kind of man he has always imagined, for him Troy is a manifestation of his minds theoretical postulations. So thank you, for sharing him and your lives with us.
Dear Khadijah, I read your comment out loud to Troy as we were thundering down the highway, heading back to Canada after our visit with our baby granddaughter in the US. We were laughing away.
Thank you for such kind words. Troy is such a noble, loving man. He has so much to offer to younger men who, I think, are being left short in examples and role models with substance, morals, and a genuine desire to better themselves as loving leaders and guides. I have hoped for him an outlet and a while back he started a local men's group where they meet every few weeks to discuss things like what it is to be a man in today's world, morality, discipline, character, the role of a father and a husband and issues like that. I think we need more of these types of groups, especially for young boys and men who are told that their worth is in supporting women.
Have you had the chance to listen to any of the TnT talks where we talk about marriage? He might find a few useful crumbs in there. I hope the movie was meaningful for you both.
We watched and were deeply moved. It was so raw and honest. Quite a few times my husband would pause to stare into my eyes and kiss me. We were separated for 9mths because of Covid and it really took it's toll in so many ways. In the past year we've just gotten into the rythm of being together again and it's been really rough. Your honesty and bravery made us confront our own pain in a way that was so unexpected.
We are muslim, and I am african. Your film allowed us to see the process of grief in a way that we had never before considered. We learned something new, allow yourself to feel all the feelings, not to numb, that the only way is through it. The only times my husband ever cries
is when he talks about his father or dreams about him. It's been 18years and still...
I loved seeing your home, the beautiful natural woods, I remembered your article on fragrances in the home and I wondered seeing it in film now what burning bukhoor (a traditional incense my people use) would look like in it and how and if it would permeate into the wood and what that would smell like.
I love that Troy is doing that! Would they consider recording their conversations and sharing on the great ether? Let his wisdom travel across the atlantic as yours has. I used to listen to the relationship TnT's but then I stopped sharing and listening my husband because I was hurting so bad. The film, was an invitation to repair, and it was honored.
Thank you for being a guide and an inspiration Tara. Thank you for your honesty, for your humanity.
Your husband's love for his father is so tender and raw. What an honour that his father must know, such love and dedication from a son. It's something that every parent would love to receive and I believe he does still receive, even in, maybe especially in, the spiritual form.
It's interesting that you mentioned the bukhoor. We burn smudges that I make every summer from things around our farm. I also burn resins once or twice a week. Just yesterday I went through the home with frankincense and myrhh resins. It's a ritual that makes my home my home, infusing it with love and purifying what should go. I love that the wood and the sheepskins and the wool soak up these beautiful elements and that becomes part of our home, too.
They couldn't record their conversations as the quietness and smallness of the conversations is what allows them to be open and candid.
Thank you for such kind words and thoughtful reflections. It was very heartwarming to receive.
Tara, I know other people have said this as well, but I just want to encourage you that there's nothing extraneous, gratuitous or indulgent in this documentary. It is the opposite of that over-sharing (while at the same time surface level and vapid) sort of thing we've come to see in reality television and most modern documentaries. This feels, honestly, just like a beautiful space holding for grief, shared in a way that is so encouraging to the viewer----you've found the truth in it all.... That within these tragedies and within the heartache of death, there follows a true connection to life. I know for myself, I really started to live authentically after experiencing profound grief. It sounds crazy to people that haven't lived it but your story, the way you shared it, the way the film makers filmed and edited it, and the way you ALLOW for the grief to move through you... with this glimmer of hope at the end.... it's truly powerful in a way that is helpful to the viewer--- even if they don't understand it yet. They will draw on this in their own grief, some day.
When you spoke of the light coming through the clouds... It reminded me of this Cherokee phrase:
i:gagadí
This phrase is used in ritualism to connote daybreak---- but the more substantial translation means "The light that breaks at dawn and dispels the darkness".
When white men were trying to Christianize the Cherokee language, they couldn't quite understand how this phrase was applicable to ritual because it was used in a way that expressed deep spiritual connection and yet was essentially about daybreak. And so the English translation of i:gagadí became "Holy Spirit".
But I think you understand the former meaning. You express it well in your heartfelt reflection.
Thank you for your gorgeous comment. What a beautiful phrase. I will keep that with me forever.
It feels so reassuring to hear how the film came across to you and so many of the people who have commented here. I abhor the vapid and the glossy. I want to be real. And I want the people around me to be real. I will readily share my failings and my follies and I will be here to hear yours. Let's all stop with this fake BS and just be humans together already! Sadly, as I've been told, I'm a bit of an oddball. "Most people aren't comfortable there, Tara." Still, this was our film and we asked the producer to not make it like some Disney-fied "all is perfect now" type film. More than anything, I just wanted to share what I have learned from things far bigger than myself. I am nothing, just a conduit of gifts received that need spreading.
You're so right, profound grief washes away the frivolous and inconsequential. It's a new world and we are never the same. But there is still beauty, just more of it, real beauty - they type that doesn't fade.
My boyfriend and I just watched your episode of divergence and I am blown away by how beautiful it was. The producer did such an incredible job. As always it was everything I needed to hear, so thank you for sharing your wisdom (and Troy)! You two really are my goals. I grew up on a farm but not like this. The way you guys do it, is exactly what I envision for us. What you said about trusting the process really hit home and of course I was in tears by the end. My heart is with you and your family ❤️
We’re visiting our babes grandparents so I snuck away after breakfast and curled up in bed to watch. Tara I know we all feel a beautiful connection with you on this platform and seeing you and Troy in the film was just so lovely. I can’t put my finger on why I’m so drawn to you and your content but all I can say is thank you for sharing a piece of you with us. You have a beautiful way with words, your spoken eloquence is heart warming and you inspire me daily to be more self-reliant, slow down and savour.
Thank you so much, Robyn. This made me misty. I have been so filled with trepidation about this movie. I have had to keep reminding myself that it may have me in it, but it's bigger than me and there's things in there that, I hope, will find their way to the souls that need to hear them.
It's so touching to know that you feel this connection with me because I have such affection for you and so many people here. How is that? How can we be communicating through a screen and still develop authentic bonds? It speaks to our power to seek and know each other, I think. To form relationships of depth even through the hindrance of a screen. In many ways, I feel like the meaningful communication I share with many here feels more honest than some of the conversations I have in real life.
I am grateful. Thank you for sharing that with me, Robyn.
I love you and your vulnerability. Thank you for having the courage to share this with the world. I’ve lost touch with your stuff the last year or so because of some personal relationship heartache that made me disconnect from everything in my life that brought genuine value to me. I have honestly not realized I’ve been doing this until today. When you popped up on my Instagram this morning I was determined to watch this documentary. I signed up for abundance in bed in my half sleep state. You’ve awoken me. I left home at 17. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I got very close to taking myself from this world multiple times. During that time I craved my childhood, growing up between Philadelphia and a small farm town off the sassafras river in Maryland. I always felt content in Maryland. Being outside catching fish and frogs during the day and collecting wood for making fires at night. I’m 29 now. Pregnant with my first child. I’ve known for a long time that I’ve wanted to live like that everyday. Intertwined with life and the land. I want to raise my boy in that environment. My partner and I are also on a single budget now, like you and Troy were years ago. I feel like my goals are unfathomable. I feel useless 98% of the time since I’m barely contributing financially or in any significant way other than moral support. I don’t even know where I’m going with this at this point. Just feeling very vulnerable after watching the documentary. When you said “I think all we had to do was know what we value, and have the intention of what we wanted and allow god or whoever to figure the rest of it out” that really hit home. I’m screaming my intentions into the ether. I hope I can update you in a year or so with the beginning stories of my own homestead. 💙♥️💜💛
Alison, first the absolute joy having heard of this little miracle within you. How enormous! How grand and wild and lusciously beautiful! Enjoy every single moment of this time, just you and that little one so intimately together.
You and I share a similar back story in the childhood memories on a land that continued to call to us years later. I was kicked out of my house as a teenager and was wild and reckless with my life. There were times I too wanted to die. All those years, in all that time, it was the song of prairie birds and sleeping in a wheat field that I used to envision when I couldn't sleep at night or when I needed to calm myself. I didn't realise it at the time but I was actively creating what I wanted my life to be even then.
We had a wonderful discusision in the chat last week about things young moms are doing to generate some side gigs in their lives. I think I'm going to open that up in a discussion thread for everyone here. Maybe there will be some ideas in there for you. But, please good woman, lest you need reminding - you are nurturing life right now and you said you feel "useless"?! You are the most powerful and wondrous of us all! A mother growing life within her womb! What a marvel! Do not diminish that. Not one bit. I won't have it!
Now, if it will be a year until we meet again, so be it, but know that I will hold in my heart, until that time, the image of Alison and her little boy catching frogs along a creek bed. You do that, too. Know it. Feel it. Smell the smells and hear the sounds. And there, so it is. It's already happening. ❤️
Your 1000% right, I’m self deprecating. I struggle with seeing my worth, always have. Thank you for pulling me out of this most recent spiral. You don't know how much it means to me to have someone read what I have to say, let alone respond in such a genuine meaningful way.
It gives me a lot of hope knowing that you grew up in such a similar way but you were able to build such a beautiful life despite living through the struggles of being a runaway/castaway teen.
It won't be a year until I update you. I'll make sure I make it a point to be more present here in this group. I would love to read that discussion. As soon as I'm back to work I will be a paid subscriber. I don't pay for any subscriptions but I know this one is well worth it.
Thank you for holding space for me and my baby in your heart. I will take your advice and hold that image in my mind in these trying times. Your strength gives me strength. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💙
Tara, I just finished watching and want to say thank you to you and Troy from the deepest, most sincere place in my heart. I have been following you for around a year now and am in awe of the way you both have so painstakingly built a life of beauty and integrity. Please know there are many of us out there, watching you through your weekly essays and seeing how there is another way of life that is still possible for us too. And, thank you for helping those of us who have also lived a life petrified by death to see that a different relationship with death is possible too. Your documentary moved me to tears and my only complaint is that there wasn't more of it. I cannot wait to read your book!
Dear Amy, thank you for sharing this with us both. It's so meaningful to hear how these things land with others. I suspect that much of what we try to hide away as humans, like our fears and worries and insecurities are the very things that can bring us together, but instead we squirrel them away and nobody wants to talk about them. Then we feel isolated or like oddballs because surely "we're the only ones".
I want to be courageous so I try to do things that feel courageous to me even when I really don't want to. Not because I'm anything special, but because I just really love humans and what we're capable of, the beauty we create, when we are real and honest with each other. I'm bored by niceties and superficial gloss. We've had enough of that, don't you think? We need places to deeply connect with each other now. More than ever, I'd say. ❤️
Dear Tara,
I was really moved by the documentary.
I think I'm just moved by the way you live your life as a whole.
It reminds me of my grandma from the countryside, there was no one else like her, and I'm pretty sure there's no one else like you either.
Learning from you has made me feel closer to her.
What an absolute blessing your daughters and grand-daughter have to have you.
Every since I first started following you, I've been in awe of your dedication, of your deep reverence to the animals you care for and the land you live on, and of your story.
It was magical to step into your & your husband's universe.
It was inspirational beyond belief to witness you both.
I have a lot of admiration for what you both do here on this earth.
Every time I read you, it hits my heart.
You have a real talent as a writer, and your life is such an example for us all, even if we cannot live up to it.
I'm not sure what hasn't been said already, by all the wonderful subscribers you have.
I just had to add my two cents.
You and your husband are truly one of a kind and I'm so grateful I got to witness part of your daily lives.
You might have no idea how profound an impact you are having but you truly are. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for all that you do.
I had tears throughout the video, because I can feel the rawness and depth of your pain. And I wish there was something to say or do, but I know you are already doing exactly what is right for you.
Thank you for sharing yourself and your story.
Dear Florence, thank you so much for such an incredibly generous and kind comment. I loved reading your words. I love that something in me reminds you of your grandmother. I take that as the highest form of praise. Shouldn't we all want to be carry the love and dedication of a matriarch? I think we need our matriarchs more than ever, to resurrect our stories and our traditions. I'm so glad that us opening up our world brought something to yours. That was our whole motivation - to move beyond our own comfort with the faith that what we have been taught, what we are learning, is a human story, not just ours. Our daughter continues to teach us and who are we to not pass on the message? xo
The film is beautiful, an extremely well done piece that does a great job portraying this life of yours. I was astounded, not sure how to put this... I am astounded at how well I think I knew you before the film. I mean, this is quite a unique thing isn't it? We have never met, will likely never meet... yet you have shared so much and invited me (well, all of us but I'm gonna focus on myself) into so many conversations that I think, with some degree of certainty, that I know you. The film was a wonderful confirmation... In other words, and I know there are limits to this "knowing" and I want to be cautious about taking this too far, but what struck me so intensely was just how familiar all of what I saw and heard in the film was because you have done such an amazing job of inviting me into your life over the past couple years. And it has meant such a great deal to me, and so many others.
I love that the film starts with your words. I have always been drawn most to your writing, I have said before that the most apt comparison I can come up with is the impact that the words of Wendell Berry have had on me. I am moved by many things, but nothing moves me like the power of words well written, words that express deep truths that I too acknowledge or hold dear. It's remarkable, really... When that passage comes on the screen at the beginning of the film I remember in an instant those words, and I know there are dozens of other passages you have written that I would remember instantly as well. Some because they resonate with my own truth, and some, like those that start the film, because they are so powerfully connected to your experience and the journey you have shared with us.
I'll admit here that I have yet to listen to one of your T and T talks. So this was my first time really "meeting" Troy and that was a treat. You are both so generous and it's impossible not to have a very deep and abiding respect for the vulnerability and openness with which you greet life and the power of experience. I know that I am better for it, much better. In thinking about writing this feedback, which you asked for, I have been struck by the nature of all this and the role it has played in my life over the last few years. For some reason the film brings into focus just how amazing this all is... to me anyway.
We all had to find guide posts and trail markers to keep ourselves sane during the whateverdemic. We all had to find that rope, like Pa did on the prairie, to lead us back to the house from the barn in the blizzard. Slowdown was a rope for me, and at one time thats all you were, an account, on a platform. I can't retrace all the steps, but I know that piece by piece I came to understand who you were, what you had gone through, and eventually what you were trying to build here on the interwebs initially with insta and now substack. You guys have given so very very much, and I admire and appreciate your work and am grateful for its existence.
The film was more of that, yet another medium through which we are all invited to share in and take from your experience what we can. There is so much more I could say.. so much of your experience and immersion into farming resonates with my own. But, of course, thats why I'm here... much love to you and to Troy and your family and that beautiful place you call home, at least for now.
I will especially cherish the shot of you at your desk... a candle, a pen, some paper. That will be the enduring image for me as I continue to read and relish your work.
Dear Joe,
Now it's me here trying to find something worthy of your incredibly generous and beautifully written comment. It means so much to me to hear that there was a familiarity there, in that film, because of the words I've written or stories I've shared. I like that. It feels real to me. I try to be real. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I think I get it. Mostly, it's when hearing from people, like you here and now, that I feel most accomplished. That somehow, we can connect in an authentic way even in this time, in this age. It feels so hopeful to me.
I don't know you either, but somehow I do. Just pieces of Joe but enough to like him, to like the way his mind works, what he chooses to focus on in this life, the good work he puts forth into the world. Its amazing, really that we can gather around something, these lessons and hardships and nuttiness and beauty of this life and all find ourselves there, in that.
Thank you for taking the time to write your words to me. They're beautiful. I'm keeping them.
This beautiful glimpse into your lives and hearts is medicine for mine. I just finished watching, and I appreciate so much about it. Gentle warm tears slid down my cheeks the entire time. The pace and beautiful imagery alongside your grounded and comforting voice, Tara, was so warm and soothing, like the many moments of light that shone throughout this gorgeous film. I feel like you and Troy, by your example of rearranging your life around your values, by your love for one another & your girls, and your peace and connection (and commitment) to land and animals, by your willingness to feel it all, your bare open hearts, your wisdom and humility, all this is what I (and probably all of your listeners, readers and aspiring homesteaders) truly look toward with awe and gratitude. I felt your sincere affection for your mentor, Richard. I also love that you told about the moment with you & Troy being swarmed by the mysterious dragonflies and how you engaged with that wonder- that Mila given gift- I'm certain. Thank you so much for all of this. Also you and Troy are both a picture of health! Your teeth are so white and you both glow vitality. I'm going to defrost some bone broth right now for breakfast! Much love
Thank you for sharing this beautiful comment with us both, Emily. It really has brought so much peace, relief, and a deep feeling of gratitude to hear from you, and the many other people here, who took the time to share with us that this little film had meaning for you. I was deeply uncomfortable with the portrayal of us as having figured it all out or being some expert of some realm, but just sharing what has been given to us, the lessons and the deeper connection to life through the pain, well.. that felt like something worth sharing.
I love that you noticed the quality of the light. Maybe I'm just getting old but I seem to be more aware of the light and how it touches me. Wind, too. Sometimes I stand in the forest with as much skin bared as possible and I just notice how the wind is God's touch.
Thank you, Emily. ❤️
YAAAAA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!!!!!!
Ha! 😁❤️🌞
Well... we smiled, we cried, we bawled, we admired Troys slippers in the opening scene, we recalculated our finances to see if we could afford a farm (still a No unless we move to Sask or Alberta). But we left feeling awed... Thanks.
Aaahhh, Tara and Troy. Goodness, me oh my. My heart is filled with joy and wonder. — It was a photo of you two that first gut punched me as I scrolled through IG way back when. “Hold up! Now who are these two???” Your words sealed the deal. Your musings are for me like that dragon fly. “Come back,” I implore. “This. This I know. This is familiar. This is true. More please. Come back.” Mila’s photo of you was the next time I saw your face. My mother had recently died, and I empathized deeply with Mila as you described your daughter feeling love and admiration for her gorgeous, bloodied Mama looking on at her in such a way that couldn’t not be photographed. When you went quiet, I wondered where you had gone. Yet the whole world was shifting in tectonic ways. I invested time that summer nursing a cow injured when giving birth. Ultimately, we had to put her down and your story about the bison resonated even more deeply. Our cow and her clique (four protective heifers) taught me lessons I’ll never forget. Lessons I collect along with so many that YOU, Tara Couture, have taught me. — I have experienced a lot of death in my life. To bear witness to the loss of a child. To learn of Mila’s death. Just writing that last sentence … I am hesitant to hit “Post.” My father taught me that funerals are, in many respects, to “console the consolers.” That sort of initially pissed me off the first time he explained, but I’ve come to learn it is true.
Here you and Troy are, opening yourselves up to us.
You owe nothing. No one could blame you for becoming hermits; never posting another thing ever again. And yet here you are.
Bearing your hearts, your souls, your unrepeatableness (thank you, Cassandra).
Here you both are.
Together.
Consoling us.
You came back to us. Like the dragon fly.
Dear Rachel, your comment had us both in tears as we rolled north on the I-81 yesterday, travelling back to Canada after a week with our granddaughter, our daughter and our son-in-law. You, dear woman, are a beautiful writer. I hope you know that.
It's so amazing to me that you are out there and that you remembered me sharing that picture that Mila took of me. You gave me back that sweet, tender memory of her just by keeping it alive in your own heart. Thank you. It's been awhile since I remembered that but you just mentioning it found me standing in front of the house, and I can see, as clear as day, my beloved girl smiling at me. Yes, there she is now.
Please do not feel hesitation in writing that sentence around Mila's death. That you even know her name brings both joy and sadness but joy is there too and sadness is not the enemy of life.
I am printing out these comments. They will be my reminder to be brave and courageous even when I don't want to be. How beautiful, us humans, to connect with one another in ways so much deeper and more meaningful than the physical. Like here. What you have given me, us, with your time and heart in reciprocation for us sharing what we have been taught, are being taught. It's really something. Thank you.
xo
I've waited to pop in and comment here until I had the right words, but I've decided that they don't exist. Just thank you, Troy, and everyone at abundance+ for this immeasurable gift. It's invaluable. The connection that you have to each other, your animals, nature, and our inevitable mortality pours out from the screen. And, I think we all needed to take a little piece of that with us. 💚💚💚
Thank you so much, Jess. I feel grateful that they told our story with such care and it means so much to us that it was meaningful for you, too. xo
Thank you Tara for sharing such profound parts of your life with us. I don’t know how to articulate the impact your work has had on me, but everything in my life is more vivid and meaningful these days. I’m about to go for a stroll and I know that the sun is going to feel that much warmer. ❤️
What a beautiful thing to give to me. Thank you, Lili.
There's not much I can say to add to what has already been said...I was blown away by the delicate handling by the producers, the filmography, the music, the whole message wrapped up in a beautiful, honest package. The topic of life & death is avoided by so many (myself included, unfortunately, but I'm trying to become more comfortable with it) and you & Troy have displayed a wonderful matter of fact-ness while discussing. I marveled and cried during the whole episode. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and showing us an additional sliver of your lives.
Thank you for such kind and tender words, Molly. I thought they did a lovely job, too. It was really quite something to see the things they found and filmed, all these little moments I didn't even see them filming. It's like a bit of a love letter, the bits we overlook, that someone thought was worth showing and sharing.
I appreciate that you sat down and took the time to share this with us. It's very meaningful to receive. Thank you.
I finally got to watch this today while cuddling my newborn babe. It profoundly moved me. It was beautifully done and brought tears to my eyes. My favorite part was the dragonfly part. Years back we found out that our baby was no longer living at 22 weeks. I was devastated. I remember walking around our own farm that day. I saw more butterflies than I had ever seen and then felt as though everything would be alright. Our culture is so fearful of death. It is evident everywhere you look. From vegan diets to running to vaccines for every ailment. A deep reverence for death is the remedy for all this fear and the key to a fuller life.
Yes, so fearful of death. And there you were, with a miraculous, newborn baby in your arms, sharing in our story. That is the whole mind-blowing marvel of this life! Love and birth and death and we are all rolling around one another, sharing and rejoicing and bawling. How beautiful when it all comes together and we are courageous enough to feel it so that we can feel the profundity of the beautiful stuff too.
xo
Dear Tara, I come to you from Instagram. I'd been going back on whether I could afford upgrading to a paid subscription and your video finally made me take the plunge. My husband is a passive-active consumer of your content, everytime I talk about you or read him something you wrote he pays avid attention. I forget the first day I mentioned and showed him your husband but ever since, he's become loyal m, he literally asks "Tara hasn't posted her husband?" and it felt like teasing to him when he could only see profiles of Troy. When I told him you have a film out, he dropped his work and faced me aaking seriously, "do they show her husband's face?" 😅 We're finally going to watch tonight and he said to me, we have to watch with ice cream. I said why and he said because I'm gonna see Tara's husband,and I was like why would that make you cry and he says "seeing male perfection" 😅. I may laugh at and tease him about his fanboying over Troy but I would like to let you know that as someone who lost his father young and who grew up without a male model or guidance, your husband gives him hope that he can be better man, that it is possible to be the kind of man he has always imagined, for him Troy is a manifestation of his minds theoretical postulations. So thank you, for sharing him and your lives with us.
Dear Khadijah, I read your comment out loud to Troy as we were thundering down the highway, heading back to Canada after our visit with our baby granddaughter in the US. We were laughing away.
Thank you for such kind words. Troy is such a noble, loving man. He has so much to offer to younger men who, I think, are being left short in examples and role models with substance, morals, and a genuine desire to better themselves as loving leaders and guides. I have hoped for him an outlet and a while back he started a local men's group where they meet every few weeks to discuss things like what it is to be a man in today's world, morality, discipline, character, the role of a father and a husband and issues like that. I think we need more of these types of groups, especially for young boys and men who are told that their worth is in supporting women.
Have you had the chance to listen to any of the TnT talks where we talk about marriage? He might find a few useful crumbs in there. I hope the movie was meaningful for you both.
We watched and were deeply moved. It was so raw and honest. Quite a few times my husband would pause to stare into my eyes and kiss me. We were separated for 9mths because of Covid and it really took it's toll in so many ways. In the past year we've just gotten into the rythm of being together again and it's been really rough. Your honesty and bravery made us confront our own pain in a way that was so unexpected.
We are muslim, and I am african. Your film allowed us to see the process of grief in a way that we had never before considered. We learned something new, allow yourself to feel all the feelings, not to numb, that the only way is through it. The only times my husband ever cries
is when he talks about his father or dreams about him. It's been 18years and still...
I loved seeing your home, the beautiful natural woods, I remembered your article on fragrances in the home and I wondered seeing it in film now what burning bukhoor (a traditional incense my people use) would look like in it and how and if it would permeate into the wood and what that would smell like.
I love that Troy is doing that! Would they consider recording their conversations and sharing on the great ether? Let his wisdom travel across the atlantic as yours has. I used to listen to the relationship TnT's but then I stopped sharing and listening my husband because I was hurting so bad. The film, was an invitation to repair, and it was honored.
Thank you for being a guide and an inspiration Tara. Thank you for your honesty, for your humanity.
Your husband's love for his father is so tender and raw. What an honour that his father must know, such love and dedication from a son. It's something that every parent would love to receive and I believe he does still receive, even in, maybe especially in, the spiritual form.
It's interesting that you mentioned the bukhoor. We burn smudges that I make every summer from things around our farm. I also burn resins once or twice a week. Just yesterday I went through the home with frankincense and myrhh resins. It's a ritual that makes my home my home, infusing it with love and purifying what should go. I love that the wood and the sheepskins and the wool soak up these beautiful elements and that becomes part of our home, too.
They couldn't record their conversations as the quietness and smallness of the conversations is what allows them to be open and candid.
Thank you for such kind words and thoughtful reflections. It was very heartwarming to receive.
Tara, I know other people have said this as well, but I just want to encourage you that there's nothing extraneous, gratuitous or indulgent in this documentary. It is the opposite of that over-sharing (while at the same time surface level and vapid) sort of thing we've come to see in reality television and most modern documentaries. This feels, honestly, just like a beautiful space holding for grief, shared in a way that is so encouraging to the viewer----you've found the truth in it all.... That within these tragedies and within the heartache of death, there follows a true connection to life. I know for myself, I really started to live authentically after experiencing profound grief. It sounds crazy to people that haven't lived it but your story, the way you shared it, the way the film makers filmed and edited it, and the way you ALLOW for the grief to move through you... with this glimmer of hope at the end.... it's truly powerful in a way that is helpful to the viewer--- even if they don't understand it yet. They will draw on this in their own grief, some day.
When you spoke of the light coming through the clouds... It reminded me of this Cherokee phrase:
i:gagadí
This phrase is used in ritualism to connote daybreak---- but the more substantial translation means "The light that breaks at dawn and dispels the darkness".
When white men were trying to Christianize the Cherokee language, they couldn't quite understand how this phrase was applicable to ritual because it was used in a way that expressed deep spiritual connection and yet was essentially about daybreak. And so the English translation of i:gagadí became "Holy Spirit".
But I think you understand the former meaning. You express it well in your heartfelt reflection.
Thank you for this beautiful vulnerability.
Thank you for your gorgeous comment. What a beautiful phrase. I will keep that with me forever.
It feels so reassuring to hear how the film came across to you and so many of the people who have commented here. I abhor the vapid and the glossy. I want to be real. And I want the people around me to be real. I will readily share my failings and my follies and I will be here to hear yours. Let's all stop with this fake BS and just be humans together already! Sadly, as I've been told, I'm a bit of an oddball. "Most people aren't comfortable there, Tara." Still, this was our film and we asked the producer to not make it like some Disney-fied "all is perfect now" type film. More than anything, I just wanted to share what I have learned from things far bigger than myself. I am nothing, just a conduit of gifts received that need spreading.
You're so right, profound grief washes away the frivolous and inconsequential. It's a new world and we are never the same. But there is still beauty, just more of it, real beauty - they type that doesn't fade.
Thank you for such beautiful words.
Just getting out some gorgeous lamb ribs to sit down with this tonight. I'm so glad you're happy with it. Another duly earned gift for the world.
Thank you for accompaniment of such a worthy meals, dear woman. ❤️
My boyfriend and I just watched your episode of divergence and I am blown away by how beautiful it was. The producer did such an incredible job. As always it was everything I needed to hear, so thank you for sharing your wisdom (and Troy)! You two really are my goals. I grew up on a farm but not like this. The way you guys do it, is exactly what I envision for us. What you said about trusting the process really hit home and of course I was in tears by the end. My heart is with you and your family ❤️
Thank you so much, Nicole. It's so nice to receive your words and hear that what we shared was meaningful for you. ❤️