This is gold. It is so tremendously useful to me to see how you do these things - how you make decisions - how you put things in their right order. Please keep it coming. I think this was especially meaningful to me because I am humbled and in awe of how you and your husband are continuing in love through your immense sadness. I think that often when parents go through such a devastating loss, they pull apart. I am just deeply impressed with both of you. Thank you.
That's so kind, thank you Janene. I am so proud of our relationship. One just doesn't know until they are tested. I feel like we are being crushed by the weight of our grief, but there is such salvation in the softness and love of us. I am so profoundly grateful. I have met so many people who have told me that their partners developed addictions or withdrew so far as to barely be a ghost in the house.
It's been surprising, and painful, to see how many of our "friends" have just faded away. Some never contacted us again since the memorial. I've heard of such things, but thought our relationships were immune to such things. I don't know where I would be without my husband.
I was taught many years ago that God is the center of my life, then my husband and then my children. I have held fast to this many years. Even when it frustrated the children. But they saw an example of a strong, rich and loving marriage that will endure anything. And because of that, we can love them and others.
I laughed when I read your comment about the beef brisket. I was having similar thoughts this morning as I rolled out ravioli made with our gorgeous duck eggs and filled with rabbit we had raised ourselves. 💜
My mother did a wonderful job of teaching me that love was a choice, not an emotion. That knowledge has gotten my husband and I through some hard times.
Oh my, that ravioli sounds dreamy. Yes, it's so true, it is a choice. Sometimes it comes easy and sweet and sometimes it takes patience and dedication. Your mama gave you such a gift with that teaching.
It turned out pretty tasty. And yes, very grateful for that gift. I think, though, that sitting down and doing a "mission statement" like you shared will really help us focus. It is too easy (I'm especially guilty) to get distracted by all the cool things I could do...which aren't necessarily bad, but soak up time and energy leaving me too drained for the important stuff.
I remember the look on a woman’s face when I explained that in my relationship, we, my husband and I, came first. Not the kids.
And I remember, looking at her face full of shock and horror, asking her, “but if he and I crumble, what do they have?”
He and I don’t “relationship” like any relationship I’ve ever seen on TV or read about in books or witnessed in another couple I’ve met. But we’re solid and we’re fulfilled and we’re all about one another and next month is nineteen years so maybe, just maybe, relationships for “entertainment value” need to stop being the example set for the masses.
I figure with 19 years of being in a solid relationship that fulfils you both, you've earned the right to start sharing your success. We hear all the stories and see all the carnage of marriages that have failed. We need to be celebrating the successes and sharing those lessons with a youth that thinks love is the stuff of Hollywood movies.
My Mom used to say, “parents are the family center around which the children orbit”. Thank you for reminding me.
I always liked to observe how a family sits in a church pew. Are the parents in the middle and children on each side or all the children in the middle and parents separated at the ends? The preponderance of each way seemed to shift over the years.
Really interesting, Jeff. It makes me think of some families I know where the parents turn to their child all saccharine sweet and then almost hiss at each other. I like what your mother said, it's so very true.
This really resonates as we bought a farm this summer and it is overwhelming and our goals seem to be at odds. I know you had mentioned in the past that you were typically the impetus to living a more natural and sustainable life. I am that as well and the movement from my husband is slow with baby steps. He grew up with little so possession and appearances are important to him. I would love to hear some strategies for how to open his mind to the connection of all and live a simpler life. Thanks as always Tara!
I'm trying to convince my husband to do a little audio with me on this topic. I can write from mine, but it would be good to hear how he evolved over the years, too. He was happy to live on a farm but he didn't want TO farm. Not initially. I talked to him about this the other day. Planting seeds to get him to chat with me. I don't know about the appearances being important part - neither of us have ever given a hoot about that. 💕
Oh that would be wonderful to hear from his perspective as well. Yes my husband is very happy being here but Is not super keen on animals. Also living more naturally including building supplies etc is often a very long and wearying discussion!
Mine is also not a farmer. Barely tolerates the animals and certainly doesn’t help hands on with them (builds lovely fences though!). I’m considering downsizing because it’s too much for just me on top of everything else. He actually resents the garden and animals a bit for taking up my time that should be spent in the house lol. It’s funny though, because he was raised on organic produce his mom grew and he lived on an organic farm for years (not as a farmer). He loves the vibe of a farm, and eating the food,and before we met he bought our 12 acres. He’s a little confused I guess 😆
I so get you! He has resented the gardening in the past. I think he is a bit better now as he sees the joy and fullness it brings to my life but if gardening is in the way of something he deems more important there will still be a lot of tension. Sorry I don’t have advice just to commiserate.
Eloquent wisdom. Words of life. A wise man once said that it isn't about a relationship enduring as much as it is about a relationship being durable. I took that as .... it wears well, no matter what comes.
I love your relationship wisdom, and I’m so glad you’re pulling together in your sadness and loss. I have never lost a child, but I feel the trauma is in my history, epigenetically. My moms older sister died when she (my aunt) was 17 and to hear my mom talk of it… it destroyed her family and sent my Oma down a path of isolation and extreme, unhealthy self sacrifice. She and my Opa stayed together technically, but the trauma for the whole family was pretty extreme. So I have an idea of what can happen to the rest of a family that loses a child, if the parents don’t have that strong core to hold onto.
I think my man and I naturally put each other first, even though that’s a tough one when you’re a blended family. If you’ve been a single parent, putting anyone before your kids is a hard sell. But we made a few hard decisions earlier on put our relationship first and now we get more solid every day.
Yes, these things are carried in our every atom. We have a family history full of tragedies and I have always felt that there is a melancholy I carry around in my heart.
This is beautiful. I had not known you lost a child, but I respect your wisdom even more knowing it flows through hardship and suffering. Glad to see you pulling together no matter what <3
Your words and insights on so many topics are refreshing and sit well with me Tara. They reassure me that my rejection of the current social construct for relationships, health, woman's roles ect ect doesn't make me closed minded or uninspired or unmotivated or stupid. I have been picking my way through your instagram, studying your words, screenshoting things, then trying to find more. Would you recommend any reading or podcasts or write a substack yourself that goes into things like a woman's role (traditionally), the importance of it, the ways it has been so corrupted, any advice for newly engaged, how to bring out the best in your partner and yourself. This is lost knowledge, we have been robbed. I am 23, my partner and I live and work on a farm full time. I beat myself up when I can't do things, forget things, get distracted by the animals (engulfed by my love and care for them) or by thoughts of what I will make for dinner and the many other chores to do when I get in. Thankfully my partner is extremely patient and kind, opposite of my dad who used to tear us down at the smallest mistake. I am obviously triggered by many things to feel inferior and I want to change the narrative. You are a wonderful example of someone doing this and I admire you greatly ❤
This is gold. It is so tremendously useful to me to see how you do these things - how you make decisions - how you put things in their right order. Please keep it coming. I think this was especially meaningful to me because I am humbled and in awe of how you and your husband are continuing in love through your immense sadness. I think that often when parents go through such a devastating loss, they pull apart. I am just deeply impressed with both of you. Thank you.
That's so kind, thank you Janene. I am so proud of our relationship. One just doesn't know until they are tested. I feel like we are being crushed by the weight of our grief, but there is such salvation in the softness and love of us. I am so profoundly grateful. I have met so many people who have told me that their partners developed addictions or withdrew so far as to barely be a ghost in the house.
It's been surprising, and painful, to see how many of our "friends" have just faded away. Some never contacted us again since the memorial. I've heard of such things, but thought our relationships were immune to such things. I don't know where I would be without my husband.
❤️
I was taught many years ago that God is the center of my life, then my husband and then my children. I have held fast to this many years. Even when it frustrated the children. But they saw an example of a strong, rich and loving marriage that will endure anything. And because of that, we can love them and others.
That's beautiful, Barbara❤️
I laughed when I read your comment about the beef brisket. I was having similar thoughts this morning as I rolled out ravioli made with our gorgeous duck eggs and filled with rabbit we had raised ourselves. 💜
My mother did a wonderful job of teaching me that love was a choice, not an emotion. That knowledge has gotten my husband and I through some hard times.
Oh my, that ravioli sounds dreamy. Yes, it's so true, it is a choice. Sometimes it comes easy and sweet and sometimes it takes patience and dedication. Your mama gave you such a gift with that teaching.
It turned out pretty tasty. And yes, very grateful for that gift. I think, though, that sitting down and doing a "mission statement" like you shared will really help us focus. It is too easy (I'm especially guilty) to get distracted by all the cool things I could do...which aren't necessarily bad, but soak up time and energy leaving me too drained for the important stuff.
I remember the look on a woman’s face when I explained that in my relationship, we, my husband and I, came first. Not the kids.
And I remember, looking at her face full of shock and horror, asking her, “but if he and I crumble, what do they have?”
He and I don’t “relationship” like any relationship I’ve ever seen on TV or read about in books or witnessed in another couple I’ve met. But we’re solid and we’re fulfilled and we’re all about one another and next month is nineteen years so maybe, just maybe, relationships for “entertainment value” need to stop being the example set for the masses.
I figure with 19 years of being in a solid relationship that fulfils you both, you've earned the right to start sharing your success. We hear all the stories and see all the carnage of marriages that have failed. We need to be celebrating the successes and sharing those lessons with a youth that thinks love is the stuff of Hollywood movies.
Fair point. Thank you for the nudge. 💚
My Mom used to say, “parents are the family center around which the children orbit”. Thank you for reminding me.
I always liked to observe how a family sits in a church pew. Are the parents in the middle and children on each side or all the children in the middle and parents separated at the ends? The preponderance of each way seemed to shift over the years.
Thanks again for your spoken version too!
Really interesting, Jeff. It makes me think of some families I know where the parents turn to their child all saccharine sweet and then almost hiss at each other. I like what your mother said, it's so very true.
Thank you for this, the timing is perfect as I have been thinking about the cost of a decision vs the price we pay for it. Blessings
This really resonates as we bought a farm this summer and it is overwhelming and our goals seem to be at odds. I know you had mentioned in the past that you were typically the impetus to living a more natural and sustainable life. I am that as well and the movement from my husband is slow with baby steps. He grew up with little so possession and appearances are important to him. I would love to hear some strategies for how to open his mind to the connection of all and live a simpler life. Thanks as always Tara!
I'm trying to convince my husband to do a little audio with me on this topic. I can write from mine, but it would be good to hear how he evolved over the years, too. He was happy to live on a farm but he didn't want TO farm. Not initially. I talked to him about this the other day. Planting seeds to get him to chat with me. I don't know about the appearances being important part - neither of us have ever given a hoot about that. 💕
Oh that would be wonderful to hear from his perspective as well. Yes my husband is very happy being here but Is not super keen on animals. Also living more naturally including building supplies etc is often a very long and wearying discussion!
Mine is also not a farmer. Barely tolerates the animals and certainly doesn’t help hands on with them (builds lovely fences though!). I’m considering downsizing because it’s too much for just me on top of everything else. He actually resents the garden and animals a bit for taking up my time that should be spent in the house lol. It’s funny though, because he was raised on organic produce his mom grew and he lived on an organic farm for years (not as a farmer). He loves the vibe of a farm, and eating the food,and before we met he bought our 12 acres. He’s a little confused I guess 😆
I so get you! He has resented the gardening in the past. I think he is a bit better now as he sees the joy and fullness it brings to my life but if gardening is in the way of something he deems more important there will still be a lot of tension. Sorry I don’t have advice just to commiserate.
Eloquent wisdom. Words of life. A wise man once said that it isn't about a relationship enduring as much as it is about a relationship being durable. I took that as .... it wears well, no matter what comes.
I love that!
I love your relationship wisdom, and I’m so glad you’re pulling together in your sadness and loss. I have never lost a child, but I feel the trauma is in my history, epigenetically. My moms older sister died when she (my aunt) was 17 and to hear my mom talk of it… it destroyed her family and sent my Oma down a path of isolation and extreme, unhealthy self sacrifice. She and my Opa stayed together technically, but the trauma for the whole family was pretty extreme. So I have an idea of what can happen to the rest of a family that loses a child, if the parents don’t have that strong core to hold onto.
I think my man and I naturally put each other first, even though that’s a tough one when you’re a blended family. If you’ve been a single parent, putting anyone before your kids is a hard sell. But we made a few hard decisions earlier on put our relationship first and now we get more solid every day.
Looking forward to your next gem in my inbox 💕
Yes, these things are carried in our every atom. We have a family history full of tragedies and I have always felt that there is a melancholy I carry around in my heart.
❤️❤️
This is beautiful. I had not known you lost a child, but I respect your wisdom even more knowing it flows through hardship and suffering. Glad to see you pulling together no matter what <3
Thank you❤️
Your words and insights on so many topics are refreshing and sit well with me Tara. They reassure me that my rejection of the current social construct for relationships, health, woman's roles ect ect doesn't make me closed minded or uninspired or unmotivated or stupid. I have been picking my way through your instagram, studying your words, screenshoting things, then trying to find more. Would you recommend any reading or podcasts or write a substack yourself that goes into things like a woman's role (traditionally), the importance of it, the ways it has been so corrupted, any advice for newly engaged, how to bring out the best in your partner and yourself. This is lost knowledge, we have been robbed. I am 23, my partner and I live and work on a farm full time. I beat myself up when I can't do things, forget things, get distracted by the animals (engulfed by my love and care for them) or by thoughts of what I will make for dinner and the many other chores to do when I get in. Thankfully my partner is extremely patient and kind, opposite of my dad who used to tear us down at the smallest mistake. I am obviously triggered by many things to feel inferior and I want to change the narrative. You are a wonderful example of someone doing this and I admire you greatly ❤